


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Coded

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [12]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Study, Humor, Movie only, No I Did Not Play The Game This Time Because Why Would I, Parody, Plot analysis, Screenplay/Script Format, Unfortunate Implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-03-17 18:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13665111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: Because why not. Contains the unquestioned creation of utterly disposable slave labor, the sudden ability to give computer programs the ultimate power of hope and light, and Data-Riku being the only thing making this even vaguely tolerable.





	1. I'm Gonna Ruin Your Life. Get Ready.

**Author's Note:**

> **Okay So This Whole Thing Is Already Written In Its Entirety But I'm Still Spacing It Out Over The Next Ten Weeks So I Have More Time To Finish 3D And Work On UX, And Also This Chapter's Just The Intro For Which I Apologize:** Super Best Friends Play, _The Dark Knight, Harry Potter,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Doctor Who, Attack on Titan,_ Atop the Fourth Wall, _The Legend of Zelda, Fullmetal Alchemist Chibi Party, The Lord of the Rings, The Princess Bride,_ and everything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And here…we…go!~

**Sora:** Hey, I’ll find you when I wake up!

**Naminé:** No you won’t.

**Sora:** And then we’ll be real friends!

**Naminé:** Not gonna happen.

**Sora:** It’s a promise!

**Naminé:** No it’s not. *pinky swears anyway*

**Sora:** *sitting on the tree with Kairi* Okay, this sunset is legitimately _gorgeous._

**Terra’s armor:** *grows a cape for no reason just like it was supposed to have done this whole time according to the original trailer at the end of KHII, then jams Ends of the Earth back into the ground and kneels in front of it as the wind howls around him and the explosion from the destruction of the χ-blade demolishes the cliff, taking both Terranort and the armor with it, with the armor doing nothing to put up a fight aside from flashing back to Ven and Aqua’s faces one last time*

**Sora:** Riku, you’re stretching out your hand in an uncannily similar way to the Riku from my vision. Also you appear to be being consumed by darkness.

**Riku:** Yes, this is apparently a thing. *vines of darkness start wrapping around him*

**Sora:** Okay, I’m gonna just drag you outta that shit, hope you don’t mind — shit, the darkness is coming. *is also being consumed by darkness*

**Ventus:** I can’t hear you, I’m in a coma.

**Door to darkness:**  *opens, blasting Kairi straight into Sora, literally*

**Aqua:** …Thought Terra gave _Riku_ the power of the Keyblade, BUT OKAY! Wait, how _did_ Sora get the Keyblade, did Ven come after we did? Seems likely, we were always just missing each other if our plotlines didn’t directly intersect…

**Darkside:**  And with that, your planet is destroyed. Have fun with that. *falls up into the death ball of death*

**Sora:** Apparently we’re all fighting together now? *proceeds to murder everything*

**Donald and Goofy:** Sure. Why not. *proceed to suck at murdering everything and then put their hands on top of each other* Apparently this is how we shake hands!

**Sora:** Seems dumb but whatever.

**Alice:** Ah shit, you’re probably totally right…

**Sora:** My saving-people-thing’s kicking in. We should go help her, you guys.

**Donald:** It’s super secret! No one can know but manly men who know what they’re doing!

**Goofy:** Oh, it sure is a shame you said that, as I was tryin’ ta warn ya that they were right behind ya.

**Donald:** …Thanks, ‘preciate that. Dickweed.

**Goofy:** No problem! A’hyuk!

**Genie:**  So this guy made his first wish already, and I am implying that it was supremely difficult for some reason. But he has two left, so hopefully he doesn’t waste them like that again. So, Master, what’ll you have for Wish! Number! *drumroll* Oooh, a real drumroll, nice! TWO! *shows spotlight on Aladdin*

**Peter Pan:** How did none of you notice I was in here with you? ‘Cause maybe I can help you find a way out! *jumps up and lands in front of them*

**Ariel:**  Those creatures chased us here in the first place.  _Proooobably_  should’ve mentioned that as they’re murderous assholes…

**Hercules:** _Damn_ this dog has some foul breath. And apparently I’ve been guarding Cloud this entire time as well.

**Sora and Goofy:** AH SHIT WE FORGOT CLOUD!

**Donald:** Oh no, we forgot Cloud.

**Pinocchio:** …I sincerely believed that I wasn’t going to make it. When you believe something strongly enough, it becomes the truth, at least to you if no one else. So why did my nose fucking grow just now.

**Jiminy:** Language, young man!

**Pinocchio:** English, old bug.

**Alice:**  Oh for fuck’s sake.

**Pooh:** I think everyone fucked off while I was asleep.

**Goofy:** We gonna get new outfits or what?

**Donald:** Sure, why not. *goes into gummi ship garage where Chip and Dale are getting everything ready, calls up to them* Let’s get this over with! HOLY SHIT A TALKING DOORKNOB.

**Sora:** You seriously have no room to talk.

**Keyhole:** *appears in the blindingly shiny clock face*

**Sora:** Well that’s pretty cool. *seals the Keyhole*

**Genie:**  I’m lucky to see the light of day every century or two…Which REALLY sucks when some douchebag or other summons me  _at night_ and makes all three wishes at once.

**Cloud:** Cameo. *sashays past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** *tries desperately not to swoon* I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

**Ariel:**  C’mon, I’ll lead the way like I should’ve been doing all along! *leads the way like she should’ve been doing all along*

**Tinker Bell:** *floats in front of Sora*

**Sora:** …She gonna be another Summon I’ll never use?

**Peter Pan:** Exactly!

**Phil:** Two words: You guys ain’t heroes!

**Goofy:** …Are you unable to count to four?

**Geppetto:** My name is Geppetto. I’m Pinocchio’s father-person.

**Sora:** Yes, we know who you are.

**Cheshire Cat:**  You’re just saying that because my head’s floating in mid-air.

**Hades:**  He’s just so practically perfect in every way. ESPECIALLY AT PISSING ME OFF. *hair fire turns red, and even though this is supposed to indicate that he’s going hot with rage red fire is ironically colder than blue fire in most cases*

**Tinker Bell:** *is trapped in a glass thingy*

**Sora:** Le gasp!

**Ursula:** *bites her hand till it bleeds and grows to a fourteen or fifteen meter class* IT’S GOOD TO BE THE QUEEN! *swipes at Sora with her tentacles*

**Sora:** Oh, I should’ve saved first.

**Ursula:** Apparently I’m That One Boss for some people. *is now wearing a crown because of reasons*

**Jafar:**  *ascends from lava in his red genie form* THE POWER! THE ABSOLUTE  _POWAH!_  *swirls stars and lights in his hands and shit* THE UNIVERSE IS MINE TO COMMAND!  _TO CONTROL!_

**Riku:** You’ll wake up soon, Kairi. I promise.

**Kairi’s hand:** *just moved slightly*

**Sora:** Kairi! *raises his own hand* I can see up your skirt!

**Ansem’s heart:** Let your entire being become darkness itself.

**Riku:** Then why am I _glowing_ with green _light_ right now?

**Ansem’s heart:** I — Hmm…

**Maleficent:** The darkness holds no power over me! Rather, I will use its power to rule all the worlds! That have been exploded okay what is my plan, seriously.

**Keyblade of People’s Hearts:** *dissolves into the six other princesses’ hearts which float back to their original owners while gorgeous music plays in the background*

**Maleficent:** Hey! Um…Why is there a purple, black, and red vortex emitting from my chest?

**Sora:** *clutches suddenly glowing chest* … _Ow?!_ *pulls out Metal Chocobo just in time* There’s no way you’re taking Kairi’s heart! I MUST PROTECT THE SMALL, HELPLESS FEMALE IN ORDER TO ASSERT MY MASCULINITY, BECAUSE _I AM A MAYUN!_

**Donald:** *tearing up* DON’T DO IT!

**Sora:** *turns the Keyblade around and stabs himself in the heart*

**Kairi:** *opens her eyes*

**Sora:** *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

**Kairi:** …Does this mean that I’m the main character now?

**Riku:** You gotta get out of here! The Heartless are coming, and without the Keyblade, Donald and Goofy can still take them out somehow admittedly but you don’t have a weapon! You’re vulnerable!

**Kairi:** …Sora?

**Sora:** Look at me! I’m a tiny little…evil…thingy!

**Kairi:** Oh, just like in real life!

**Sora:** Ohh…Why d’you gotta go there…

**Kairi:** *grabs Sora’s hand* It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *hands him the thalassa shell keychain she’d been making at the beginning of the game* It’s my lucky charm that I’ve only had for less than a day before our planet exploded, so be sure to bring it back to me, and be sure to not confuse it for a giant tacky yellow star thing that belongs to someone else!

**Ansem:** *summons a mini-Darkside covered partially in bandages or something out of his ass to float around behind him and protect him and cast magic and shit*

**Classic Final Fantasy-looking monster:** *is growling from behind Ansem* A guy who worked on several Final Fantasy games made this game, you know.

**Donald and Goofy:** *get sucked into a portal and disappear*

**Sora:** I suddenly remembered that I know how to fly. *flies upward, Keyblade in hand* Let’s do this.

**Ansem:** *explodes into _light. Friggin’ LIGHT_ *

**Donald and Goofy:** Okay, we won’t. *shoves on their door*

**Sora:** *shoves on his door*

**Riku:** Sora? Take care of her. Make _her_ your priority, not me, okay?

**Sora:** Save you and take you home so all three of us can be together again, got it.

**Riku:** Wait that’s not what I—

**Door:** *closes in his face*

**Sora:** *raises Keyblade up; it shines with starlight I guess, there were star-like shapes of light surrounding it for a second there*

**Mickey:** *mimics Sora on the other side*

**Door:** *glows with bright golden light and blue sparkle power*

**iheartmwpp:** …Montage, can you turn down the digital numbers imagery all over the screen, I can’t tell what’s happening.

**Sora:** GUYS LOOK I FOUND A THING.

**Donald:** This sure is a thing you found. Sora, what the hell are you doing.

**Sora:** *ignores Donald and pushes open the door, looking around before walking through* _Wow_ this is blindingly white after being in the dark for so long…

**Naminé:** *is drawing a picture of Sora, Kairi, herself, and Riku all holding hands* Hope none of them mind that I’m not drawing their shoes big enough...

**Roxas:** …So you’re Sora. Your hair’s lighter than I would’ve thought, and it looks like you’ve grown a bit this past year despite no obvious source of nutrition.

**Sora:** I can’t hear you, I’m unconscious.

**Xion:** … _OW?!_ *falls unconscious*

**Axel:** *catches her before she hits the ground as her Keyblade disappears* Kablams.

**Roxas:** THE HELL, MAN?!

**> Selphie:** Seriously, Kairi, what’s up with you today?

**Kairi:** Not much. *throws a bottle as hard as she can into the ocean*

**Selphie:** You know, you really shouldn’t litter like that. Or look so proud of yourself for doing so.

**Sora:** *jumps out of the sleep egg pod thing* OH HAI GAIS.

**Donald and Goofy:** ‘Sup, nerd!

**Donald:** Whoa! What happened to your voice, Sora?

**Sora:** It’s called puberty, Donald, maybe it’ll happen to you someday.

**Goofy:** Hey yeah, your journal was erased, wasn’t it, Jiminy? Did it ever fill back up?

**Jiminy:** Nope! Nor does it have anything from that time either! All it says on the first page is “Thank Naminé.” And I’m not even going to bother checking the rest of it for any extra clues until after this game’s over!

**Flora:** WE’VE MAGICALLY AGREED ON A NON-SHITTY DESIGN! *zaps his outfit with the other two*

**Sora:** *now has black shit over his massive yellow shoes to make them look not as huge, plus a mostly black and blue get-up with red pockets and a black short-sleeved jacket over everything*

**Merryweather:** Much better than that hobo suit you used to wear, that’s for fucking sure.

**Noiti Sopxe:** That is all the information I can give to you.

**Sora:** Awesome, can we _go_ now?!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Indeed, piss off.

**Sora:** ‘BOUT FUCKING TIME!

**Donald:** Hang on, we still gotta salute this guy.

**Goofy:** It’ll only take a quick second.

**Sora:** Yes, fine, we’re done, let’s _go!_ *gets rid of the ice and orders Abu forward and to jump until Abu is able to put the jewel in the slot*

**Monkey statue blocking the way:** *disappears*

**Sora:** …That happened.

**Beast:** OKAY, BOSS FIGHT TIME, LET’S GO.

**Hades:** That-That’s impossible, you can’t be alive, you’d have to be a—

**Hercules:** Dude we’ve _fucking been through this._ Which I should’ve remembered we’ve been fucking through this, frankly, since if I did then none of this huge waste of time would have happened. You’d think I’d remember how to be a true hero, all of those events are not normally something one forgets.

**Ariel:** So you’re okay with the interspecies romance then?

**Eric:** Well I’m not entirely sure I can produce an heir with you but that doesn’t mean we can’t date. Huggles?

**Ariel:** Huggles! *hugs Eric*

**Simba:** …WELL OKAY THEN! *goes down a level and takes the walk to the edge of Pride Rock* Where’s the symbolic rain washing away the old reign as I enter my own? Also MUSIC IS NEEDED TO MAKE THINGS WORK WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THIS. *walks to the edge of Pride Rock and roars anyway*

**Jasmine:** Yo, I never had the chance to thank you for rescuing me from that alien planet that I somehow got back to. Which I’m choosing to forget in favor of you guys helping to defeat Jafar which Aladdin could’ve done on his own without the boss fight anyway.

**Tron:** As I beam you up, you should know that I used your names as the new password ‘cause I couldn’t think of anything better in such a short amount of time.

**Sora:** Should you have said that out loud where the MCP might be able to hear you?

**Tron:** Probably not.

**Mickey:** *runs up, shakes Sora’s hand, waves at them all, and runs off again*

**Donald:** That’s it, I’m going back in time to change you into someone less abusive or at least find a new girlfriend who isn’t!

**Daisy:** You’ll do no such thing! *grabs Donald’s tail feathers to prevent him from leaving*

**Mushu:** …Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up!

**Ping:** It’s Ping!

**Donald:** *eyebrow raise* Ping.

**Mushu:** Of course, Ping did steal my— *gets stomped on by Ping*

**Ping:** Yes. My name is Ping, son of Fa Zhou.

**Sora:** I didn’t know Fa Zhou had a son!

**Ping:** H-He doesn’t talk about me much. *tries to spit and fails*

**Belle:** YAY DANCE TIME! *curtsies as Beast bows and leads her into the ballroom*

**Sora:** Why isn’t there music playing. Mrs. Potts should be singing right now. Why isn’t she singing right now.

**Everyone:** WE’RE ALL WAVING AS IF WE STILL THINK YOU CARE!

**Simba:** *gets into an attack stance*

**Sora:** Dude, I know I’m a lion now and my voice is way deeper, but it’s me, Sora! The guy who never summoned you and therefore you probably don’t even know who I am! And Donald and Goofy are with me too! You probably don’t know them either!

**Donald:** *forces Sora to bow* So this is the human we’re around a lot.

**Minnie:** So _you’re_ Sora. The King talked about stalking you all the time in his letters, and the rest of it is hearsay from some other guy.

**Sora:** OKAY WE’RE LEAVING NOW. So sick of this shit…

**Tron:** HUGGLES FIRST! *huggles Sora*

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Sebastian:** …Now to work on de huge problem of what de fuck now. And also to pull a Mushu and not check my surroundings before blabbering on about how Ariel’s fallen in love with a human.

**Triton:** Say what now?

**Sebastian:** …Well dis just went fucking perfectly, now didn’t it.

**Sora:** …Time randomly stopping…probably not a good sign. *tries to touch Pooh but gets blasted out of the book and watches it close*

**Past Pete:** Now I know you guys beat me up for no reason, but I still feel like I should apologize since that was my steamboat and therefore my responsibility.

**Belle:** Ah shit, I can’t deal with this now…Aaaaand the rose is right the fuck next to me, of course it is, why wouldn’t it be. *picks it up* HEY LOSERS! I FOUND A THING!

**Auron:** YEAH I’M BACK IN THE PARTY.

**Minnie:** So yeah, this giant glowing green marble that might be taller than you, Sora, is our cherished MacGuffin. But these ugly thorns…They’re ugly and pointy and gross so obviously someone evil must have conjured them, because only pretty flowers are used by good people.

**Sora:** …You could do with a Herbology class, methinks.

**Minnie:** Shut up, only villainous people use magic that involves plants. Just look at the likes of Treebeard or Neville Longbottom! The _fiends!_

**Shang:** I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!

**Mulan:** Because you’re a fucking idiot. *draws her sword and stands in front of him*

**Sora:** We got these guys, you get your emperor.

**Shang:** …

**Donald:** …Fucking _go?!_

**Shang:** R-Right! *runs off*

**Sora:** …What _was_ the eighties?!

**Jafar:** *transforms from his vizier form into his genie form* ALL RIGHT, BOSS FIGHT, LET’S GO! *drops one of the shining, sparkling, metallic, and a little bit phallic towers onto Aladdin and Sora*

**Aladdin:** *dodge out of the way with Sora* Sure hope the Sultan and/or Raja weren’t in that…

**Ursula:** INCONCEIVABLE!

**Sora:** You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**Scar:** Now this looks familiar. Hmm, where have I seen this before, let me think, hmm…Oh yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died.

**Simba:** *is slipping*

**Scar:** *digs his claws into Simba’s paws* And here’s my little secret. *leans in and whispers* _I killed Mufasa!_

**Simba:** This sudden flashback of Dad’s death has suddenly given me the strength to jump up and knock you on your back, you murderer! *finally learns how to pin a dude*

**Hercules:** *is still fighting Auron* Wait, what happened to those invisible walls, why am I about to fall off the arena. *catches Auron’s sword in his hands before it slices him in half*

**Storm Rider:** *flies above them and swoops down at them*

**Roxas:** *backflips over Sora* Any time you’re not actively backflipping, you should be asking yourself, “Why aren’t I backflipping.”

**Sora:** You mean like this? *jumps over him*

**Mickey:** *clenches fist* KINGDOM KEY D! BE THE INSTRUMENT OF MY FUCKING REVENGE! *rips off cloak and summons Kingdom Key D in one smooth motion before running into battle*

**Sora:** Okay, let’s do this! *is instantly surrounded by Heartless and summons Oathkeeper*

**Donald and Goofy:** *watch as Sora stands before a sea of Heartless, before slowly turning back to face them*

**Sora:** *smiles softly* For Frodo. *charges forward*

**Cloud and Squall:** *are standing back to back while surrounded*

**Squall:** How many slash fics do you think will be written about us after this?

**Cloud:** Please, no one will ship us with women ever again.

**Squall:** …They already kind of didn’t.

**Cloud:** We had _some_ female action in fics. Now it’s _never going to happen again._

**Sora:** Okay, let’s head into the next area! *heads into the next area* …How come all the Heartless have stopped and they’re just staring at us?

**Goofy:** Could that guy be the reason?

**Sora:** That cloaked guy that didn’t Apparate in until _after_ you pointed in his direction?

**Goofy:** That be the guy!

**Xemnas:** *takes off his hood for no reason*

**Donald:** The not-Ansem guy?

**Goofy:** Shit, his Nobody’s even prettier than his Heartless.

**Sora:** We get the big reveal of the leader of Organization XIII before two other goons? That’s kind of weird, one of them isn’t even that important.

**Mickey:** Okay, the right memory finally triggered for me.

**Sora:** …I can still kill these things, right?

**Maleficent:** *Floos in front of him and summons a wall of green flames* I’ll distract them, you find a way to take out their leader so they’ll stop being so fucking annoying.

**Sora:** Since when did you become a good guy?!

**Maleficent:** *is getting jumped by Dusks* I’m not, I just want you to do my dirty work for me to minimalize my role in this game even further for some reason.

**Axel:** Told you it’d be a heroic sacrifice. Also the manga implies that I had a sick battle with Saïx to try and save Kairi myself and he ended up mortally wounding me, which is why all I had left was one big attack just now. I kinda like that excuse, personally…

**Kairi:** *walks up and takes Naminé’s hand * …Are our hands _supposed_ to glow like that?

**Naminé:** I don’t know, the scene’s over.

**Xigbar:** Gross. *fires a red bolt of light at the floor*

**Sora:** …You missed?

**Xigbar:** I know. *fires a bunch more that clear the floor of all Heartless* So? How are things?

**Kairi:** You got infinitely taller, didn’t you? *takes off Riku’s hood revealing the form of Xehanort’s Heartless*

**Mickey:** What does the gun do?

**Ansem the Wise:** …It’s gonna turn the organs harvested by the moon into computer data.

**Mickey:** …Okay _what?_

**Kairi:** And now I must glomp you. *glomps Sora*

**Sora:** *hugs her back* My hands are wider than your waist.

**Maleficent:** *Apparates in with Pete* IF I CAN’T HAVE CONTROL OVER THE HEARTLESS, NO ONE WILL!

**Pete:** I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

**Maleficent:** THERE’S NO TIME!

**Hearts:** *start descending from the castle while the Dusks rejoice and try to grab them*

**Sora:** *grabs Riku’s hand with both of his own and sinks to his knees as he cries with happiness* HOLY FUCK IF FANGIRLS WEREN’T SHIPPING US BEFORE THEY SURE AS HELL WILL BE NOW! Also you gonna take the blindfold off or you gonna be Matt Murdock for the rest of the game?

**Riku:** …Forgot I had it on. *removes it dramatically and slowly opens his bright aquamarine eyes*

**Xemnas:** YOU SHITLORDS BLEW UP MY MOON! NOW I GOTTA START THIS SHIT AGAIN! FUCK, THIS TOOK OVER A YEAR TO MAKE AND NOW I GOTTA DO THIS WITHOUT BACKUP?!

**Sora:** *runs up to the door and activates the cutscene which teleports him down to the bottom of the ramp again where he has to use not only Ultima but Riku and Mickey have to use Way to the Dawn and Kingdom Key D respectively as well, sending three beams of light into the sky that don’t even come close to hitting Kingdom Hearts head on but still succeed in opening the door somehow* Y’all ready for this?

**Riku:** But don’t the waves sound just like back home?

**Sora:** …Well they’re ocean waves, so yeah…

**Water:** *is pretty*

**Normal sunset in normal sky:** *is also pretty*

**Shooting stars:** *are pretty until they’re revealed to be Sora and Riku hurtling toward the water, then one’s kind of cute and the other’s sexyfine*

**Sora and Riku:** *crash into the water and quickly resurface* HOW DID WE SURVIVE THAT SHIT. *both look around without really seeing anything until the cutscene tells them to*

**Mickey:** Riku! Catch me! *allows Riku to spin him around and hoist him into the air*

**Riku:** Okay yeah, you were more helpful to me than these shitbirds were to Sora from the sound of it so you deserve a joyful reunion with me.

**Donald:** Oh come off it, we know Sora loves us! *nuzzles Sora’s face*

**Sora:** Hello, welcome to my personal space, how can I help you?

**Goofy:** Don’t care, hugging you, you can’t stop me.

**Kairi:** I’ve been here this whole time. Don’t know where Pluto went, though, as usual.

**Sora:** That figures.

**Kairi:** *turns into Naminé for a quick second*

**Title Screen:** Aren’t you glad you don’t have to actually play this one anymore?

~That took more effort to compile together than you’d think, but less than you’d hope.~


	2. Once Again, I Have No Idea What We're Fighting For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Seriously Go Watch “Best Friends Play Final Fantasy X: Wakka's Final Solution Compilation” Maybe It'll Distract You From The Inescapable Fact That Life Is An Everlasting Hell:** Super Best Friends Play, _Family Guy,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Dragon Ball Z_ and Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Arnold impressions, _Team America World Police,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, “Blinded by the Light,” _The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And we start out with one of my least favorite characters in Disney history. Oh yeah, I’m gonna enjoy this…~

**Jiminy:** This is the sixth game, though since one was a prequel, one was carried out by other people, and one was deleted from our memories, I guess that means we’ve only taken two journeys so far. One was to stop darkness from spreading, and the other was to…put lost hearts back where they belong? I guess?

**Disney Castle:** ‘Sup.

**Jiminy:** This is not the music that usually accompanies this planet. And I am okay with that. Also both of those games were really hard; even if you were on the easiest setting, Platinuming either of them was a bitch and a half. But I was really glad I got proof that some of the crazy shit that went down actually went down. People will obviously consider the words of a fucking _insect_ valid, there’s no doubt about that! Two journeys, ten billion save files…Somehow I was able to contain everything into just two journals, _including_ the sidequests from our last one. I still don’t know how. And of course everything in one of the journals got erased somehow, except for just two words: “Thank Naminé.” Iunno, maybe it was fated for the journal to say that and nothing else. *flips through pages* Wonder who Naminé even is — What the deuce?

**Final page of the journal:** Their hurting will be mended when you return to end it.

**Jiminy:** …Okay, has Goofy been dicking around again, what the balls is going on. *runs with the journal all the way to the other side of the castle, getting there roughly two weeks later*

**Mickey:** *is listening intently to what Jiminy’s saying in the library* A mysterious message?

**Jiminy:** Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you. And I sure as hell didn’t write it, nor did I leave it anywhere for anyone else to write in it, and for that matter good luck to anyone bigger than me writing in a book this tiny. There’s no point in the entire time I’ve been doing this job that this could’ve happened, I never let go of these things!

**Mickey:** What about that one time you guys were asleep for nearly a full year?

**Jiminy:** No, that’d be silly.

**Mickey:** Fair enough. That first line…Sounds like someone’s in trouble. My saving-people-thing senses are tingling. We gotta find out what’s going on.

**Jiminy:** Sure, but how’re we gonna figure that out? Except for two words on another page randomly in the middle that I also have no memory of writing, there’s nothing else in this entire journal.

**Mickey:** Just because the pages are now blank doesn’t necessarily mean the journal’s empty.

**Jiminy:** Unless it’s a Horcrux, that’s kind of exactly what it means.

**Donald and Goofy:** You called?

**Jiminy:** *bursts out in hysterical laughter* I forgot how stupid you two looked in those outfits!

**Donald:** Shut up! These’re totally dignified!

**Mickey:** I should be able to fire you ‘cause I don’t like your hat.

**Chip and Dale:** We’re actually being useful!

**Donald:** Do you really believe that?

**Goofy:** I sure as fuck don't.

**Chip:** We did the thing, Your Majesty!

**Dale:** What he said!

**Chip:** *pushes big yellow button that’s suddenly in the middle of Mickey’s desk for some reason*

**Giant weird-ass computer:** *appears out of nowhere*

**Mickey:** …Did you two intern at Capsule Corp or something?

**Dale:** I fucking wish. Pull the lever, Chip!

**Chip:** *pulls lever*

**Dale:** *falls down a trapdoor into an alligator pit* WRONG LEVAAAAAAAAAaaaa…

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** *are laughing hysterically*

**Dale:** *comes back up, an alligator nomming his tail* Why do we even _have_ that lever. *slaps the alligator away, and it leaves, whimpering like a kicked puppy*

**Chip:** *pulls the correct lever* _There_ we go.

**Laser in the top of the computer:** *fires down on the journal*

**Monitor:** *shows a shitload of complicated screens before showing a representation of the journal with its pages flipping open and pixels popping out, showcasing several different worlds including Destiny Islands, Traverse Town, Olympus Coliseum, Agrabah, Wonderland, and Hollow Bastion*

**Red light on computer:** *starts flashing and blinking*

**Bunch of black boxes with red circular and squiggly designs on them:** *start to overtake the screen until the images of the worlds can’t be seen anymore*

**Dale:** …The hell?

**Chip:** The journal’s goin’ nuts.

**Dale:** OBVIOUS JOKE REFERENCING THE FACT THAT WE ARE CHIPMUNKS WHO LIKE NUTS.

**Chip:** I hate you sometimes. So…I have no idea how the fuck this is even happening, but there’s something wrong with the representation of the worlds inside the journal. Somehow. It’s almost like there are two different accounts in there, and when the first one was erased, the second one was written over that in entirely new formatting, and then _that_ was deleted and replaced with the messages we’re seeing now. It’s making it very hard to analyze the one sentence that we were actually tasked with interpreting. And no, don’t ask us how we’re turning the book that Jiminy wrote on pen and paper into a computer program just by shooting a green laser at it, we honestly have no idea what the fuck we’re doing or what’s happening, this was just supposed to be a shitty mobile game with one nugget of new information at the end of it and that’s fucking _it._

**Mickey:** Huh. Now what.

**Donald:** *reaches up and taps journal with staff* I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good.

**Journal:** *does nothing*

**Donald:** Welp, I’m out of ideas.

**Goofy:** …Can we figure out what’s wrong and try to fix it?

**Chip:** *tapping on keys* Seriously, why is _Goofy_ the smart one. But yeah, I guess when Jiminy wrote in the journal, some of the people in it were personified and developed actual personalities. No idea how the fuck that happened. Maybe if we manipulate one of them, we can get them to fix the journal from the inside or something.

**Mickey:** Going with Goofy’s idea, huh? I’m not too sure about this.

**Donald:** We’re off to a rollickin’ good start!

**Jiminy:** But who could we get to do the thing? Who’s naïve enough to do what we tell them to do with barely a second thought, and also who do we know who’s actually effective at doing this kind of bullshit? And is anyone like that one of the people I’ve been writing about?

**Mickey:** IF ONLY THE ANSWER WERE OBVIOUS oh wait it totally is let’s just get Sora to be our slave again bam problem solved okay we’re done let’s do lunch.

**Chip and Dale:** WE ENJOY LUNCH LET’S DO LUNCH.

~I’m beginning to thing that none of these guys are the brightest knives in the crayon box.~

**Data-Sora:** *is floating in a black abyss with the occasional bright blue line of computer text that says nothing running across it as well as the occasional flashing light, and then descends onto some kind of flat surface and slowly opens his eyes* …Why am I on a circular stain glass floor depicting Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?

~You gotta suspend all disbelief with this game. Like, you can’t even have a concept of what disbelief is. It’s actually kinda rough.~

**Chip:** So Dale and I created a digital clone of Sora. Somehow. I know Ansem the Wise created an entire digital Twilight Town complete with people and items you could remove and then use in reality, but that's easier to believe since his surname was “the Wise” and he sounded like motherfucking _Saruman,_ you'd believe anyone with that voice could do whatever the fuck he wanted. We're a couple of fucking chipmunks who are transparently not as smart, how are we doing any of this.

**Image of Data-Sora on the monitor:** I am looking at something.

**Donald:** EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!

**Dale:** *brings up additional windows with lines and lines of code as well as a little blue circle with a Keyblade floating in it* We gave a digital program the power to use the Keyblade. Keyblades hold such insignificant power that we can just do things like that now without a second thought. Sure, why not. Now he can destroy those red and black viruses for us, because that’s exactly how every computer virus can be destroyed. I guess. Iunno.

**Data-Sora:** What is this thing I’m now holding?

**Donald:** So he’s Sora but he’s not Sora? Haven’t we done that plotline to death already?

**Goofy:** You’d think, but I’m apparently still new to the concept as if it’s never happened before.

**Donald:** IT’S BEEN DONE LIKE THREE TIMES MINIMUM. THAT WE KNOW OF.

**Goofy:** I know, this series is just so confusing.

**Mickey:** Technically he _is_ that same Sora since he’s taken from the experiences you two shared together in the first game. Which is why he’ll have no memory of any of what happened before his islands exploded which is kind of when the journal actually starts.

**Chip:** But we programmed him to be the same old Sora anyway, so he’ll still wind up saving all the worlds because that’s practically what the real Sora’s been programmed to do.

**Red flashing light:** *starts beeping like crazy again*

**Data-Sora:** *is blocked out by red windows of virus code, I guess, maybe*

**Mickey:** What’s happening now?

**Dale:** You think we have even the slightest clue how any of this actually works?!

**Mickey:** Oh good.

**Chip:** Me and Dale’re gonna check the power source, conveniently located in a different room than this one. We’ll be back. *leaves with Dale*

**Data-Sora:** Still just kinda standing here.

**Jiminy:** Those two have no idea what they’re doing. Why aren’t we more worried.

**Goofy:** Your Majesty, why’re we even here? What’s the point of this game?

**Mickey:** There’s a cryptic message at the end of Jiminy’s journal that he didn’t write and that somehow didn’t appear when he saw the “Thank Naminé” message at the beginning of KHII. And apparently the only way to figure out who wrote it, besides _going outside and asking people or at least Noiti Sopxe or someone with intimate knowledge on everything,_ is to sit at a computer for three hours and analyze every lack of entry inside a book that we’ve somehow made into a digital landscape.

**Goofy:** Okay, that makes sense.

**Mickey:** …Really?

**Goofy:** Not at all.

**Donald:** What was the message?

**Mickey:** Let me tell you—

**Jiminy:** Tell them later, I just noticed a thing.

**Mickey:** *looks at Jiminy* What is it?

**Goofy:** Huh.

**Mickey:** *looks at Goofy* What is it?!

**Donald:** You’d know if you just looked at the fucking monitor.

**Mickey:** …Oh.

**Donald:** Looks like another dude.

**Goofy:** Despite knowing that other people would show up in this digital wo…landscape, since it’s based on who we’ve met in the past, I’m shocked that someone else would be with Data-Sora right now!

**Data-Sora:** *is now staring at someone in an Organization cloak*

**Jiminy:** I don’t remember someone like that in the first game aside from the Unknown that was obviously Xemnas!

**Data-Sora:** Who’re you? I only have two guesses and I’m not sure which is right, could you help me out?

**Cloaked figure:** *turns around and walks away, creating that pretty staircase from the first game*

**Data-Sora:** …Rude.

**Mickey’s voice:** Can you hear me? Listen to the random voice in your head that tells you to do things and go after that guy! DO IT! DO IT NAO!

**Data-Sora:** …Got nothing better to do! *runs up the stairs to a stain glass floor with three women in separate hearts on a magenta background* …Okay, he was just here and there’s like nowhere else to go, what the balls.

**Shadow Heartless:** HAY GURL!

**Data-Sora:** Uhhh…

**Mickey’s voice:** Those guys’re the Heartless! You can take ‘em out with your magical powers of magical magicness!

**Data-Sora:** Okay, now I know I’m going crazy — Why is my hand glowing?

**Keyblade:** ‘Cause you’re unintentionally summoning me.

**Data-Sora:** Uh…huh…

**Mickey’s voice:** You now have the power to fight. Use it to not be eviscerated by those things. Always remember to keep your light burning strong!

**Data-Sora:** …You talk a pile of shit. *kills all three Shadows because this is a movie and the players don’t have to do shit*

**Pink Door to Plot Advancement:** *appears*

**Data-Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Mickey's voice:** Oh I forgot, you’re gonna have to do a thing.

**Data-Sora:** Oh, I hate doing things!

**Mickey’s voice:** Use the Keyblade to open the door.

**Data-Sora:** I can’t see the lock, and also this looks a little big—

**Mickey’s voice:** Just point the Keyblade at the door, I told you it was magic.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay. _Alohomora._ *watches and barely blinks once as the Keyblade shines with light and shoots that light at the door, causing it to open and blind Sora before he steps through it* And now I’m back on my island…And I guess Riku and Kairi shoved giant red and black boxes everywhere. Is this all filled with food for our trip? How big’s this raft supposed to be, anyway?!

**Selphie and Wakka:** *are visible in the distance*

**Selphie:** I like to knit tiny dogs out of clay.

**Wakka:** …What?

**Mickey’s voice:** Sora, can you still hear me?

**Data-Sora:** Who are you and why am I not concerned that I’m going crazy.

**Mickey’s voice:** ARE YOU OKAY?

**Data-Sora:** OF COURSE I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY! I’M HEARING VOICES IN MY HEAD AND I JUST GOT ATTACKED BY EVIL CREATURES OF DARKNESS, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD BE OKAY?!

**Mickey’s voice:** There’s no need to take that tone with me, Sora.

**Data-Sora:** How do you know my name? Have you been stalking me?

**Mickey’s voice:** I’m Mickey! And I know you don’t know me, but I definitely know you! I consider you a really close friend of mine!

**Data-Sora:** Oh, so I _am_ dealing with a stalker. Fan-tucking-fastic.

**Mickey’s voice:** I’m from a different planet that’s also in a different dimension. It’s a bit more involved that that, but it’s a long story and we’ve only got three hours or so. There’s this mystery that my friends and I are trying to solve, and we’re looking for some leads.

**Data-Sora:** Why is it called leads?

**Mickey:** Well ‘cause, you know, it’s like, you lead them on, and then kill them.

**Data-Sora:** Wow. No.

**Mickey:** No, wait, that’s not right? Okay. But if we manage to solve it we can save at least a half dozen people if not more from whatever pain they’re in right now. We can’t get to your dimension just yet, and we were hopin’ that you’d be willing and able to help us out. C’mon, what’s the worst that can happen?

**Data-Sora:** _You’re_ the worst that can happen!

**Mickey:** Stop being so butthurt and help us.

**Data-Sora:** Well I do have a saving-people-thing. I shall follow your commands for no reason, Mr. Disembodied Voice That Tells Me To Destroy Things! Just tell me what I have to do!

**Mickey’s voice:** Like I said, there might be a clue in your world. You’re the only one who can find it for us!

**Data-Sora:** Why?

**Mickey’s voice:** Because, like it or not, you’re the one with the power to do something.

**Data-Sora:** …So I should take a look around the island?

**Mickey’s voice:** If you could, I’d appreciate it.

**Data-Sora:** Okay. *takes a look around by moving his head and not his body at all* Done.

**Mickey’s voice:** …Bit more thoroughly than that. Seriously, though, if there’s anything you need, I…won’t be able to do much more than give advice, as I’m a disembodied voice, but still, let me know, you know?

**Data-Sora:** How about you take complete control of my body and enter a certain combination of buttons in order to determine my physical actions?

**Mickey’s voice:** I would if we weren’t just going from the movie because fuck this installment.

**Data-Sora:** True enough.

**Mickey’s voice:** So first, you need to find something on your island that isn’t what you would consider normal. And no you can’t use Tidus or Wakka as examples.

**Data-Sora:** Damn. How ‘bout the voice in my head that’s telling me to do things?

**Mickey’s voice:** No, like look for giant black and red block things. And that’s it.

**Data-Sora:** That’s lame.

**Mickey’s voice:** Your _face_ is lame!

**Data-Sora:** Well isn’t it convenient that I’ve been standing right next to several of those and staring at them this whole time, then. What’re they doing here? *knocks on one of them with his fists*

**Mickey’s voice:** We don’t fucking know, we just want you to get rid of them and if you figure out where they came from then bonus for us.

**Data-Sora:** I really think I need to get a better sense of what these even are if I want to figure out how to get rid of them.

**Mickey’s voice:** Dude, I gave you a Keyblade. Use the Keyblade.

**Data-Sora:** YO SELPIE, GOT A MINUTE? NO I HAVEN’T BEEN LISTENING TO THE VOICES AGAIN DON’T JUDGE ME.

**Mickey’s voice:** …Fine, do what you want. Just remember that I’m here for you to give you vague advice if you need me. I will always be watching you. Always. _Always._

**Selphie:** We sure are staring at this block thing in this still image.

**Data-Sora:** This is my thinking pose.

**Selphie:** …I know you refuse on principle to actually purchase the game yourself, but if you wanted to, Iunno, look up a walkthrough…?

**iheartmwpp:** I’ve subjected myself to a lotta shit in order to write these parodies. Please don’t make me torture myself any more than I have to.

**Selphie:** Come on, it can’t be _that_ bad—

**iheartmwpp:** *points at walkthrough* Hey I don’t mean to be mean here, but does this game look visually like a pile of shit?

**Selphie:** Days, though.

**iheartmwpp:** DAYS WAS MORE FUCKING TOLERABLE THAN THIS SHLOCK.

**Selphie:** Fine, I guess.

**iheartmwpp:** Really makes you doubt Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama's story-telling ability, kun...

**Selphie:** So what do you want him to do?!

**iheartmwpp:** I WANT HIM TO MAKE A GOOD GAME AND MAKE ME LOOK STUPID FOR DOUBTING HIM!

**Selphie:** But then you'll be proven wrong, and that'll make you feel bad inside! Don't you know from your continued use of the internet that that's the worst thing that could possibly happen to you?

**iheartmwpp:** NO! I love people that prove me wrong ‘cause they’re BETTER THAN ME! I wanna be wrong ‘cause other people are _better!_

**Selphie:** ...You're confusing me with your dick vomit.

**Mickey’s voice:** *speaking over the frozen screenshots* It was a delightful day on the beach. Sora and his friends were well on their way to figuring out why more mysterious blocks were popping up all over the island. It looked like nothing could stop their fearless—

**Data-Sora:** A NARRATOR! *throws Keyblade in Mickey’s general direction*

**Mickey’s voice:** AGH! SON OF A SHIT!

**Data-Sora:** Fucking narrators! I’ll kill all of you!

**Selphie:** Sora, what the hell!

**Data-Sora:** Can’t you hear them? They’re everywhere! _Narrating us!_

**Mickey’s voice:** Selphie didn’t know what to make of Sora’s insane ramblings—

**Data-Sora:** THERE HE IS AGAIN! *throws Keyblade up in the air again*

**Mickey’s voice:** JESUS CHRIST, MY FUCKING THROAT IS BLEEDING!

**Data-Sora:** GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

**Selphie:** …You should go talk to Grand Wizard Wakka, I think he might know a thing.

**Data-Sora:** ...I kind of don't want to, though.

**Selphie:** Let's just dust off those weird racist overtones that our friend has.

**Data-Sora:** Define “friend” in this context…

**Wakka:** I bet those sand-blasted grease monkeys are behind all this, eh, bruddah? Stealing our jobs...

**Data-Sora:** How the fuck do I get him off this track...Wakka, you realize that all that dank-ass cush you enjoy comes from the Al Bhed people, right?

**Wakka:** Oh no! Say it ain't so, bruddah! Man...Sora, I'm so glad that you have no Al Bhed blood running through your cooch.

**Data-Sora:** Well considering I don't know who my parents even are, who's to say, really.

**Wakka:** You know, the Al Bhed people, like scientifically, bruddah, I'm just sayin', the cranium, it has a different shape. It means they have a more primal instinct, bruddah, I'm just sayin'. You know, they have an unnatural advantage at bleetzbol because they're more like the animals, you know. See, they don't have the notches for creativity and intelligence; they have the, the more _primal, instinctual_ notches, you know, it's the Al Bhed way, I mean...You know, good for them, right? Just, just sayin'...

**Data-Sora:** ...Our gym teacher got _fired_ after he said that, and _rightfully so,_ you complete fucking asshole.

**Wakka:** You know the machina are powered by their grease. This whole ocean is tainted, bruddah. We can't spend too long in the water. They just hate our way of life, bruddah! Why do they come into our country, bruddah, it's crazy! It's like, we should make a giant wall that the Al Bhed can't go over! I'm sayin' if we just know how to keep them all in the same place, then we know where they are!

**Data-Sora:** I'm going to throw up. I am actually going to throw up.

**Wakka:** Man I don't like these inferior people helping us all work towards a greater good. You know why they call them Al Bheds, right? 'Cause they, I hear they spend all day in bed, they don't go to work, I'm just sayin'. Around Al Bheds, beware where you tread. I mean do they really deserve a whole month? But we should make it the shortest month. At least it's only got twenty-eight days, bruddah.

**Data-Sora:** I have no time for your racism.

**Wakka:** Bruddah, there was no way there were six million Al Bheds in that explosion. I'm just sayin', that number seems kind of high. I'm not even sure if the Home really got blown up! I don't know if that happened, really!

**Data-Sora:** YOU WERE _THERE,_ WAKKA!

**Wakka:** I don't know what I saw!

**Data-Sora:** I don't like your face. It is a bad face, and it is filled with mistakes.

**Wakka:** Hey, brudda. All Lives Matter, that's all I'm trying to say. Look, I get it, but I think we should just be open-minded, and consider that hey, you know, All Lives Matter!

**Data-Sora:** I hate it when a butthole condescends to me. And if you really believed that, it'd be great if you didn't walk around with those Al Bhed ears hanging off your neck.

**Wakka:** Well, bruddah, you know, some things are just tradition. All I'm saying is that maybe we should take our bleetzbols and go into those Al Bhed ghettos and just clean them out, bruddah. I have kids that I want to have someday, I want a happy future for them.

**Data-Sora:** Jesus Christ, we need to change the subject before I actually murder you, even if no jury would ever convict me. So seriously, dude, you carry the single most powerful weapon known to man, why don’t you try destroying the things with that at least?

**Wakka:** Come on, what can a simple volleyball do that something like a sword can’t?

**Data-Sora:** …Do you not remember how your game works?

**Tidus:** I apparently don’t either, since I’m just carrying some dumb pole around now that I still use like a sword.

**Data-Sora:** Eh, your sword wasn’t any good unless it was filled with water anyway.

**Tidus:** Now I gotta go out back and hit my dick with a hammer. Like we usually do out here. It's the way of things at the island.

**Data-Sora:** It's true.

**Tidus:** My dick hurts because of the nail I'm pounding through it.

**Data-Sora:** Awesome.

**Mickey’s voice:** At the risk of narrating again, I’m just here to tell you that your friends told you that the guy in the black hood was last seen near that Secret Place that houses the heart of your planet or some shit.

**Data-Sora:** Huh. Been a while since I came here. Aaaaand the guy I’m looking for isn’t here. Damn it. Maybe he went through this door that me and Riku never really properly investigated when we first found this place.

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Data-Sora:** Now what.

**Screen:** There’s a road for the taking if you end our world’s aching.

**Data-Sora:** That text…Mickey, was that you? You fucking with me? Why aren’t you answering?

**Keyblade:** I’m spontaneously appearing in your hand again.

**Data-Sora:** That’s convenient. Fuggit, Imma point it at this door, see what happens.

**Mickey:** *watching the screen* I am suddenly unfamiliar with how a Keyblade works and am flabbergasted that it can produce light.

**Donald:** Well it _is_ taking over the entire screen and illuminating the whole room at the same time. Why do I feel so weird all of a sudden.

**Mickey:** Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing.

**Goofy:** *starts singing “Blinded by the Light”*

**Jiminy:** Please stop. Also whoever keeps adding to my journal please stop as well, or at least write something less vague so we actually know what’s going on and _don’t have to fucking watch this shit anymore._

**Journal:** There’s still a road for the taking if you end this world’s aching.

**Mickey:** “There’s a road for the—”

**Donald:** We can read, asshole. Just tell us what it’s supposed to mean.

**Mickey:** Iunno, I suck at poetry.

**Jiminy:** They should at least specify which world they mean.

**Goofy:** Why is no one ever looking at the damn monitor.

**Mickey:** Cliffhanger fade to blackness!

**Data-Sora:** …Did that actually do anything? I mean, I’m still alive, but…

**Cloaked Figure:** This world has been connected.

**Data-Sora:** That sounds familiar.

**Cloaked Figure:** Now stand tied.

**Data-Sora:** …Less familiar.

**Cloaked Figure:** There is _still_ a road for the taking if you end our world’s aching.

**Data-Sora:** …Forty-two?

**Cloaked Figure:** Not even close.

**Data-Sora:** Well then I’ve got nothing, I suck at riddles.

**Cloaked Figure:** To make this place whole, the Keyhole’s the place.

**Data-Sora:** You got a funny way of speaking, guy. Also I thought the world’s Keyhole was here, and frankly I thought I just sealed it.

**Cloaked Figure:** No, that would make sense. *creates a black and purple portal of darkness and backs into it*

**Data-Sora:** Damn it.

**Keyhole:** I actually _am_ still on the door somehow.

**Data-Sora:** Oh for fuck’s sake.

**Mickey:** Sora, sorry I didn’t check in earlier. What’s going on?

**Data-Sora:** There’s a weird glowy Keyhole in the door that I thought I sealed already but apparently just brought it out into the light. Somehow I’m convinced that the guy in black _left behind a hole in the door after he left._

**Mickey:** Huh. Did he say anything that could drive the plot forward?

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, do something with the Keyhole and presumably make everything better again.

**Mickey:** …Well use the Keyblade again, I guess.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay. *uses Keyblade on Keyhole* …Well shit.

**Mickey:** Yo, did you know that your town is shit and it’s wrecked?

**Data-Sora:** Seems that way. Just hate that it's for the fucking thirtieth time or whatever.

**Mickey:** We never get tired of using that landscape, do we.

**Data-Sora:** I actually was by, like, the first fucking game.

**Mickey:** Just try to bear with it, maybe the thing that’s causing those black and red boxes is somewhere there. Destroy that, destroy the rest of them. Maybe. Iunno.

**Data-Sora:** If I do that, will the island be miraculously fixed for no reason?

**Mickey:** Sure, let’s go with that. It’s a good thing you’re in a movie so you’ll automatically win; imagine having to level up enough to actually _fight_ whatever’s causing this!

**Data-Sora:** Now you’re just being silly. _Damn_ I love cheating like this.

**Mickey:** Remember when people told you not to cheat? You know who did that? Losers.

**Data-Sora:** Actually it was cheaters who told you not to cheat. So that they could cheat and win. Also what the fuck is that.

**Green computer code:** *rises up out of the ground and takes the form of Darkside*

**Data-Sora:** Oh joy. Fighting the same bosses in the same worlds once more. This has _never_ happened to me before and definitely won’t get really old really fast. Again. *tries to run away to escape the madness but nearly falls off the island in the process* Damn it.

**Darkside:** *punches the ground*

**Data-Sora:** *bashes its wrist with the Keyblade, as well as the Shadows that burst from the ground whenever Darkside does that* Fuck it. *runs up Darkside’s arm and hits it on the head _once,_ which kills it instantly. I call bullshit*

**Darkside:** *glitches out a little, before floating upwards into the swirling vortex of hell*

**Data-Sora:** *is hanging on for dear life* Hey, stock footage from the first game. Lovely. Least they upgraded the voice acting to acknowledge that Haley Joel Osment hit puberty. Also they put in a proper scream as I fall into the ‘splodey ball of darkness, never thought that sounded right before. Also THIS MUSIC IS AMAZING WHEEEEEEE I’m dead.

~I actually keep reaching for the controller as if I’m expected to play, I’m so used to killing Darkside at the beginning of KHI.~


	3. My Plan Is "I'm Gonna Do That Thing I Guess Maybe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Union Cross Didn't Get Any Real New Content At All This Month, And The Pay To Win Nonsense Is Getting Ridiculous; I'm Seriously Thinking About Quitting Pretty Soon And Just Watching Translated Cutscenes From The Japanese Version On YouTube For Parody Purposes (And Also To Know The Story I Guess):** _Digimon, Pokémon,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Gurren Lagann,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _The Hobbit,_ Linkara/Superman At Earth’s End, Marik plays Vampire Rain, _Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Why do none of them pay constant attention to the fucking computer.~

**Jiminy:** *notices a red light on the screen*

**Mickey:** He dead?

**Jiminy:** Gimme a second, I can only hit one key at a time here—Whoa!

**Donald:** What now?

**Jiminy:** A new entry in the journal! I wonder if we’ll keep getting a new one every time we beat a level. *jumps on a button*

**Journal:** *opens up onscreen* There are more hurts than the one you have just undone.

**Goofy:** …I kinda wish they’d use the word “pain” instead of “hurt”. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds better. Less juvenile, maybe? I know this is kind of a juvenile game, but we still deal with pretty deep stuff in this series; dealing with memory loss, the philosophy of existence, what makes us who we are, repenting for the harm we’ve caused in the past, dealing with depression in an increasingly hopeless situation…this game has a lot of good messages going for it, and sometimes I wish we’d treat it as such.

**Donald:** Something’s happening! Seriously, why do we not just assign people to watch the screen at all times when we’re distracted by things like this.

**Journal:** *spits out a new window which shows the exploding island again, along with Riku walking along on it for no reason*

**Xehanort’s heart:** ‘Sup.

**Riku:** *stops and turns around* …The hell’re you supposed to be.

**Xehanort’s heart:** Touch my not-hand and find out.

**Riku:** …Did you just open that portal behind me?

**Xehanort’s heart:** YYYUUUP!

**Riku:** Sick, let’s do this shit.

**New window:** *fades into static and warps back into the image of the journal page*

**Jiminy:** Well that’s fucked up. This was supposed to be able to _fix_ shit! We should be seeing what was actually written in the journal instead of this new stuff, even though figuring out where the new stuff is coming from is exactly the reason why we’re analyzing this thing and this is the fourth or fifth time we’ve seen something new. But Riku never came into contact with any form of Xehanort before! Or at least, considering KHI was practically completely from Sora’s point of view, this is stuff I didn’t know about.

**Donald:** You mean it’s showing us stuff you don’t know about?!

**Jiminy:** …This is why I usually stay in the hood.

**Goofy:** Wonder what’s going on inside the journal now. And I wonder why _none of us are paying any attention unless there’s a loud noise._

**Computer:** *makes a loud noise*

**Jiminy:** I am now paying attention! This particular loud noise means we’ve located the Data-Sora inside the digital wo…landscape!

**Donald:** Just say Digital World already, we’ve all seen Digimon, we’ve all made the connection between our Sora and that one.

**Goofy:** Crossover where our Sora is Biyomon’s Digi-destined partner.

**Donald:** I would read the _shit_ outta that!

~I’d write it myself if I had any talent whatsoever.~

**Data-Sora:** *is sitting, unconscious, behind a bunch of boxes…How did he get there so fast when his planet _just_ exploded?*

**Pluto:** *uses LICK! It’s not very effective…*

**Data-Sora:** …All right…My testicles are now filled to the brim with poison, but I gotta make it up this mountain…Zzzzz…

**Pluto:** *uses STOMP! It’s super-effective!*

**Data-Sora:** OW MY RIBS! THAT’S HIGHLY INJUROUS! And you appear to be a dog.

**Pluto:** *is a dog*

**Data-Sora:** Hang on, lemme get up — HEY!

**Pluto:** *runs off*

**Data-Sora:** Damn it… *starts to run after him but is distracted by suddenly being in Traverse Town* …What the fuck just happened.

**Mickey’s voice:** ARE YOU OKAY?

**Data-Sora:** Mickey? What the fuck just happened?

**Mickey’s voice:** You teleported, I guess. Where are you now? Describe it to me, ‘cause I certainly can’t see it on the monitor where we can observe everything, oh no, why would we ever bother keeping one eye glued to it at all times, that’s just silly, you silly.

**Data-Sora:** It’s some kind of town where it’s perpetually dark all the time — The fact that my island exploded just hit me.

**Mickey’s voice:** Yep, and it took the boxes with it! Mission accomplished! Great job, kid!

**Data-Sora:** …But it exploded.

**Mickey’s voice:** Yep!

**Data-Sora:** And all my friends are dead.

**Mickey’s voice:** Probably!

**Data-Sora:** Along with my parents who we never see.

**Mickey’s voice:** It wouldn’t be a Disney thing without that happening!

**Data-Sora:** AND I’M STILL AS CHIPPER AS EVER! WHEEEEEEEE~!

**Mickey’s voice:** Atta boy, Sora!

**Data-Sora:** So back to the town. It full of boxes as well?

**Mickey’s voice:** Iunno, go find out for me.

**Data-Sora:** Maybe I’ll make new friends here, and then I’ll be able to watch _them_ die, too! THIS IS GONNA BE SUCH A GREAT ADVENTURE!

**Cid:** Wait, I’m only relegated to a frozen screenshot?! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!

**Data-Sora:** …Why are you forcing me to find small children?

**Cid:** Because we gotta add _something_ to this level to make it playable besides just bashing shit. Not that you’ll end up doing either because this is a movie.

**Data-Sora:** Fine. Anything else besides what color they’re wearing?

**Cid:** I _should_ probably warn you that they’re massive talking ducks, but I don’t feel like it.

**Data-Sora:** It’s okay, I’m sure that won’t surprise me at all.

**Donald:** Man, how do we even know what’s going on, the monitor’s only showing TV static now. But what’s apparently going on does bring back precious memories. Of us _not_ tracking down my dumbass nephews because that never actually happened.

**Goofy:** I remember when that didn’t happen, too!

**Donald:** We actually meet up with Sora not too long after this event that never took place.

**Goofy:** Along with your nephews, Squall, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid, Merlin, and the Fairy Godmother. And boy am I glad we don’t have to put up with any of their bullshit this time around.

**Mickey:** I can’t believe the subject of exactly how you three met has never come up until this point.

**Goofy:** Question! When we somehow gave life to pages in a book—

**Mickey:** No it’s not a Horcrux.

**Goofy:** I’m sure it isn’t. But is Pluto a data clone too, or…?

**Mickey:** Bugger if I know, why?

**Goofy:** ‘Cause I wanna know if there are any data clones of us as well. We could start showing up onscreen and then everything’ll be extra confusing.

**Mickey:** That would indeed be annoying. Jiminy, please tell me that won’t happen.

**Jiminy:** Dude, I don’t know any more than you do. As you know—

**Mickey:** Oh good, proof that this was poorly written.

**Jiminy:** Look, the boxes are fucking with the data and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing.

**Mickey:** As established, yes.

**Donald:** It’s fine, we’ll just keep manipulating this Sora clone to figure shit out for us, it’ll be _fine._

**Goofy:** What a time to be able to manufacture slave labor at will!

**Mickey:** You’re right! Who cares about the ethics involved with this _life_ we’ve just created to serve us that we’ll be getting rid of the moment we’re done with him!

**Data-Sora:** I guess you’re actually paying attention to me again, huh — WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT THING.

**Huey:** Hey, my name is—

**Data-Sora:** KILL IT WITH FIRE!

**Mickey’s voice:** *starts voicing over the still screenshots again* After you patched up Huey’s third degree burns, you swiped the shard of light he was conveniently holding, somehow, while you sent him off to Cid and went to track down his broth—

**Data-Sora:** ANOTHER NARRATOR! *chucks Keyblade*

**Mickey’s voice:** GAH! WHY?!

**Dewey and Louie:** Hey, we worked hard for those random pieces of light that have somehow solidified!

**Data-Sora:** That’s nice, Imma steal ‘em. *yoink* Damn it, still missing one piece…

**Louie:** I love that show! Only took me a literal decade to catch up but now I'm watching/reading week to week at long last. BOY is the anime's pacing terrible!

**Data-Sora:** ...Just thought of something, how can three clearly underage childrens be allowed to _manage a shop on their own without supervision?_

**Louie:** Bribery.

**Data-Sora:** Ah. Oh, you again.

**Cloaked figure:** Hey.

**Data-Sora:** Hey. Louie, piss off.

**Louie:** How come we don’t get any lines in this game.

**Data-Sora:** Dude, you’re lucky you got any in BBS.

**Louie:** True. *fucks off*

**Data-Sora:** So yeah, black cloak guy, what exactly is your deal? Why’d you blow up my planet?

**Cloaked figure:** The last light of Durin’s day will shine upon the Keyhole.

**Data-Sora:** …Gwah?

**Cloaked figure:** Shut up and take this solidified fragment of light.

**Data-Sora:** Seriously, what’s with the glowy Tetris blocks. Weird…Wait, where’d he go? Ah, fuck ‘im. *takes out other light fragments*

**L-shaped light fragments:** *instead of forming a perfectly straight rectangle, somehow combine to form a slightly angular and partially rounded Keyhole*

**Twin clones of Hitler:** Of COURSE! Don’t you know anything about _science?!_

**Data-Sora:** Somehow I knew that would happen. Why does this guy keep gifting me Keyholes. _How_ does this guy keep gifting me Keyholes.

**Mickey’s voice:** Can you hear me now?

**Data-Sora:** Uh-huh.

**Mickey’s voice:** Good.

**Data-Sora:** So apparently I have to go _inside_ the Keyhole, fight a boss, and _then_ I’ll be able to actually lock it. And then the planet will explode I guess. At least the boxes’ll be gone.

**Mickey’s voice:** I am somehow unclear as to your intentions. There’s a lot of people repeating what was just said in this game.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, and it’s not getting annoying at all!

**Mickey’s voice:** M’kay. Sora, do the thing.

**Data-Sora:** Will do! *points Keyblade at Keyhole and apparently defeats Guard Armor offscreen, which is fine, we’ve fought that thing like ten billion times by now* THAT WAS SO HYPE I HOPE GIRLS WERE WATCHING. Wait, why are the boxes still here?

**Marik:** Heh heh, foxy boxes.

**Data-Sora:** Was wondering when that reference was gonna show up. But seriously, what am I supposed to do now?

**Mickey’s voice:** You said you had to seal the Keyhole after defeating the boss, right? Well, you defeated the boss. Maybe try actually sealing the Keyhole.

**Data-Sora:** So I have to make it look like I locked it _twice?!_ That is so much bullshit. *locks the Keyhole anyway*

**Foxy boxes:** *disappear*

**Data-Sora:** I’m really confused as to what I just did.

**Mickey’s voice:** Look on the bright side! The planet didn’t even explode this time!

**Data-Sora:** Good for it! Except I still don’t know what the deal is with the cloaked guy. I know he’s helping me, but I have a feeling that he might’ve been behind everything to begin with. Why is the camera panning away from me?

**Mickey:** I don’t know, hang on, the monitor’s going fuzzy again.

**Jiminy:** This red flashing light’s indicating another new entry! That is exactly the same word-for-word as the previous entry okay did the journal even open to a different page this time, what the shit.

**Mickey:** So a new entry is supposedly added in each time we complete a world or something except when it’s really just the same message over and over?

**Donald:** Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense.

**Mickey:** You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit.

**Journal:** I _am_ gonna give you a new video, though! *new window pops up*

**Flashback Donald and Goofy:** *put their hands on top of each other* Apparently this is how we shake hands!

**Flashback Sora:** Seems dumb but whatever.

**Flashback Pluto:**  *sniffing around behind a wall near them* Hey, a dark portal that clearly looks evil and dangerous! IMMA RUN INTO IT. *runs into it*

**Monitor:** *shows television static again*

**Donald:** That’s funny, I don’t remember that happening.

**Jiminy:** Well it _was_ in the first parody, but that’s just ‘cause iheart knew this was coming and felt like adding it for no real reason.

**Donald:** Where even _is_ Pluto right now.

**Mickey:** I — hmm…

**Goofy:** THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS GAME IS US TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE JOURNAL’S TRYING TO TELL US AND I AM RIGHT NOW CURIOUS AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE JOURNAL’S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.

**Four Shadow Heartless:** *appear in the corner* Yeah, that’s pretty dumb of you.

**Donald:** Wak! I thought the library was a safe room! There was a save point here in KHII and everything!

**Mickey:** *flips over the desk and poses with his Keyblade like a badass*

**Jiminy:** Seriously, how is this a thing.

**Mickey:** *destroys all the Heartless with ease* We should probably check that the rest of the castle isn’t completely overrun. *runs to the door but is unable to open it* It won’t open! Damn it, if only I had some kind of key that could open any lock! *starts pounding at the door in frustration* I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

**Donald and Goofy:** *don’t remind him that he _has a fucking Keyblade_ and instead try to help him push*

**Jiminy:** *does what he does best: nothing of value*

**Mickey:** Yep, we’re boned.

**Donald:** Okay, let’s just give up and let the Heartless overtake the castle and thus the entire planet I guess.

**Mickey:** Hang on, I’m distracted by more blinky lights.

**Jiminy:** What’s happening now? *jumps onto the desk*

**Mickey:** “Undo the hurt to unbar the way.” Seriously, why couldn’t the journal have said that in the first place when we thought it actually updated instead of just repeating itself? _This_ is new!

**Goofy:** Didn’t we sort of start the process already?

**Mickey:** Yep, but it looks like we’ll have to finish the entire game/movie in order to get out of here.

**Jiminy:** Oh good. Now this is hell. Also the computer clone thing reached the next area. *hits a button on the keyboard*

**Data-Sora:** Jesus Christ, do we _seriously_ have to go through Wonderland as if it’s new for a _THIRD FUCKING TIME?!_

**Donald:** That’s great, how ‘bout we worry about reality right now? A book project can wait, can’t it? There’s real danger outside!

**Mickey:** There is literally no way to get outside right now. None of us have any way of opening anything! Sticking with the lame, boring, and repetitive bullshit is our only option!

**Donald:** You make me sad.

~Getting real tired of your shit, Mickey.~


	4. Scientists Theorize That This Is Bullshit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Hamilton Polka Made Me Smile Wider Than I Have In Weeks:** Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter, Farscape, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Naruto, Doctor Who, Twelve Chairs,_ Marik Plays Vampire Rain, Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, A Very Potter Musical, _Daredevil,_ Kickassia, “Albuquerque”, _Assassin's Creed: Unity, Digimon, Black Adder, Yu-Gi-Oh!,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I’m so glad I’m entirely ignoring gameplay this time…~

**Data-Sora:** I actually don’t remember this area. And it seems to have more boxes than the last place I was at. Were there silver ones in the new movie version yet? ‘Cause they’re here now.

**Mickey’s voice:** Yo, me again! Can you hear me?

**Data-Sora:** Boy am I glad you’ve never really talked to me while other people are watching! Also I seem to have just Apparated to another planet again. How does that keep happening?

**Mickey’s voice:** Don’t worry about it, it’s not as though you’re an artificial intelligence trapped in a computer program that Chip and Dale don’t even know how they created where, once you’re done debugging one batch of data, you’re automatically sent to the next one!

**Data-Sora:** …That was oddly specific—

**Mickey’s voice:** No it wasn’t! Just keep making Keyholes, defeating the enemies inside them, and then locking them in order to get to new areas and maybe eventually have an end in sight, m’kay?

**Data-Sora:** M’kay…

**Mickey’s voice:** We did get a new clue on this end, though: “Undo the hurt to unbar the way.” So just mend the wounds of one world to open up routes to a new one possibly maybe I have no fucking clue.

**Data-Sora:** I too am fond of rehashing shit we just talked about.

**Mickey’s voice:** This _was_ originally a mobile game meant for apparently very small children.

**Data-Sora:** But so was the rest of the series, the made for children part I mean, and the previous movie was _Days_ for fuck’s sake!

**Mickey’s voice:** I know, that whole thing was handled infinitely better than this one.

**Data-Sora:** But yeah, I should probably help out this world that looks like complete dog shit right now.

**Mickey’s voice:** Indeed, you should totally do that. And more rehashing now. Just do the things with the Keyhole and the bosses and who gives a shit.

**Data-Sora:** And then I just get blasted into space and hope I land in a place that doesn’t kill me? Sure, I don’t mind that! I kinda just wish Riku and Kairi were here with me, it was our dream to explore other worlds together and no one wanted that more than Riku. Oh well, at least I’m supposedly helping people maybe.

**Mickey’s voice:** Oh, you have a saving-people-thing too, huh?

**Alice:** Cry of distress!

**Data-Sora:** And speaking of…

**Alice:** How did you not see me surrounded by Shadow Heartless until just now?

**Data-Sora:** Sorry, got stuck talking to myself again, it happens sometimes. *runs forward and summons Keyblade* Run away!

**Alice:** *runs away*

**Data-Sora:** *jumps over the Shadows without landing a single blow, and yet they all disappear* How Batman was that?!

**Alice:** That was pretty cool, guy.

**Data-Sora:** Thanks. You okay, lady?

**Alice:** Uh-huh, thanks. Um, this is gonna sound like an awkward question, but…have we met before?

**Data-Sora:** Yes. Several times. This is getting so damn old.

**Alice:** Bugger, I can’t remember that. I can’t even remember my own name!

**Data-Sora:** Oh, I’m sorry.

**Cheshire Cat’s head:** *appears* Her mind’s a bit fuzzy, just like me! Whether that’s a reference to my always fading in and out or to my fur is up to you!

**Data-Sora:** …I appreciate the effort, Jim Cummings, but you sound exactly like Pooh with that attempt. It’s fine that you voice like ten thousand characters and it’s easy to know it’s you, that’s fine, but not when particular voices for a character sound _exactly the fucking same_ as another.

**Cheshire Cat’s head:** Oh bother.

**Data-Sora:** Hold on, back up. Despite her saying that she couldn’t remember anything, my mind didn’t put together that she had amnesia till just now! Is this Chain of Memories all over again, because I’m already sick of this entire area if we’re just retreading old ground even further like this!

**Cheshire Cat:** *materializes fully* Only everyone on the planet’s got amnesia. Except for me because I’m a super special snowflake like that I guess. Something to do with the boxes I’m currently chillaxing on maybe.

**Data-Sora:** So these particular glitches give everyone amnesia for some reason? Are we rationalizing it as the bugs deleting their save files?

**Cheshire Cat:** Yeah, it’s unpatchable.

**Data-Sora:** Bull.

**Cheshire Cat:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

**Data-Sora:** No, Imma check out the Keyhole and see what happens.

**Alice:** I may or may not have seen a Keyhole somewhere around here.

**Data-Sora:** Where?! TELL ME.

**Alice:** I don't remember! Don't you not remember?

**Data-Sora:** Well you’re incredibly unuseful.

**Cheshire Cat:** *disappears except for its floating head again* What could she dismember when her memory’s remembered? Wait…Strike that, reverse it.

**Alice:** I do wish I could dismember…

**Cheshire Cat:** The new thing you have to fetch-quest for in this level is called an Inkling. Yes it is lame, no I don’t care. *points with his newly formed tail*

**Data-Sora:** That is a shiny blue four-pointed shuriken-looking thing.

**Cheshire Cat:** Go get it and figure out what it even does. Something to do with memory, I don’t care, I agree that that gimmick was done to death five games ago. *peaces out*

**Data-Sora:** …Rude. *turns to Alice* Imma touch the glowy blue thing and hope I don’t die, you stay here and try not to get overrun by Heartless. *runs up to the box with the Inkling on top of it* Despite that cat directly pointing this out to me and calling it an Inkling, I am confused as to whether or not this was the thing he was talking about. And now I know the girl’s name is Alice without even having to touch it. Sure, why not.

**Alice:** Seriously, what’s my name, you’d think I’d know at least that much.

**Data-Sora:** *is now holding a fucking Rasengan in his hand* I think it might be Alice. I apparently absorbed the information through osmosis. Then again, I don’t know how a blue shuriken became a Rasengan all of a sudden while I was offscreen…

**Alice:** Was it a Rasenshuriken before?

**Data-Sora:** We are such fucking weebs. *shoves the Rasengan directly into her chest*

**Alice:** How did that not kill me…Oh, my name _is_ Alice. That’s cool.

**Data-Sora:** You know, the reason that people have to be very careful about questioning children your age is that you’re very susceptible to persuasion tactics. I could say one thing and suddenly it’s true and you have a whole memory and story to back it up, because it’s only around age eight that most kids finally start to grasp the concept of fantasy versus reality. So I could be telling you just about anything right now and you’d believe it, _since you’re only seven._

**Alice:** No, my name’s really Alice, though.

**Data-Sora:** Sure, that’s great, whatever, now where’d you see the Keyhole.

**Alice:** IT WAS GLOWY AND SHINY.

**Data-Sora:** That’s not telling me _where_ it is, which is the question I specifically asked you. You daft dimbo.

**Alice:** Well tough ‘cause I still got amnesia.

**Cheshire Cat:** Really dumb rhyme that makes everyone want to just shut this damn movie off before it’s even an hour in just find more Rasenshurikens to shove into her chest and she’ll eventually remember.

**Data-Sora:** Repetition of what you just said?

**Cheshire Cat:** Correctomundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay, where do I find them?

**Cheshire Cat:** What, you expect me to tell you everything? Just go around and search the level, asshat! *disappears*

**Data-Sora:** Okay, Alice, you stay here and hope the monsters don’t get ya, Imma find more blue energy to shove in your torso.

**Alice:** Is that guy a monster?

**Data-Sora:** What guy — YOU!

**Cloaked figure:** Fuggit, I’m telling you to end the _pain_ from now on, I don’t know what it is but it sounds much stronger than the word hurt. But yeah, do the thing so the pain’ll stop. Our world still aches, and your next road still awaits.

**Data-Sora:** You really like rhyming, dontcha?

**Cloaked figure:** Been listening to a shitton of _Hamilton_ recently, it really sticks with you. _Especially_ the new Weird Al cover.

**Data-Sora:** _Fuck_ that was good. Now that you're here, mind explaining things in a coherent fashion so that I might be better able to assist you? Or at least explain anything? Please? Instead of nothing?

**Cloaked figure:** Please, that’d mean that I wanted you to be quick and efficient and better motivated to help me, who wants that?! *fades away*

**Jiminy:** *watching the monitor* Inklings, huh?

**Mickey:** Mind filling us in, ‘cause I’ve never heard of this shit before.

**Jiminy:** Do you know what they called Naminé in any of the various reports we’ve found?

**Mickey:** A Nobody?

**Jiminy:** More specifically.

**Mickey:** A witch who has the power to modify memories?

**Jiminy:** Yeah, that one. *takes out the journal of the events of KHII*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, is that the journal of the events of KHII?

**Jiminy:** We’re analyzing the first journal now, and Naminé was mentioned by name within it.

**Goofy:** …That doesn’t really answer my questio—

**Jiminy:** Yes it is, Goofy, and this one seems fine for the moment, though I suppose we could always check it out later—

**Donald:** NO WE’RE NOT DOING ANY MORE OF THIS THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECE—

**Mickey:** Don’t tell me what’s nessa, I’ll tell you what’s nessa! But yeah, just because Naminé’s name was written in the journal and there’s an entire year for which none of you have any of your memories, you’re convinced she’s involved somehow? INCONCEIVABLE!

**Jiminy:** You’re right, it doesn’t make any sense, but I’m holding onto the theory for now because it’s the only one that has any merit whatsoever for the moment.

**Mickey:** Okay, back to reluctantly sitting through the movie, then.

**Data-Sora:** I did more things offscreen!

**Alice:** What kind of things?

**Data-Sora:** Well…

**Flashback Ace of Spades:** *pleads in desperation* Do you know where I can find some paint?

**Flashback Data-Sora:** Nope. *leaves*

**Flashback Ace of Spades:** …Dick.

**Data-Sora:** You know, helping people out. ‘N stuff.

**Alice:** Did you find another memory?

**Data-Sora:** Sure did! *holds up a Rasengan*

**Alice:** You shoved it into my torso offscreen! I now remember the basic plot of my movie! I was listening to my sister read something that I wasn’t paying attention to, when I saw a rabbit in a waistcoat. He was going on and on about being late for something which I found curiouser and curiouser, so I decided to stalk him and ended up falling down a hole, somehow without dying, and ending up here! Though I definitely don’t remember any foxy boxes or chakra-based attacks, but what do I know, I’ve got amnesia.

**Marik:** Heh heh, foxy boxes.

**Alice:** I asked the Cheshire Cat how to get home, because one should always trust any random talking animal they come across, and he suggested that I visit the villain of the movie. I reminded him that I was already talking to him and he told me to visit the Queen of Hearts instead. And I saw the Keyhole at her castle, I just remembered.

**Data-Sora:** So your amnesia’s completely cured, now?

**Alice:** Maybe, Iunno, but thank you ever so much for doing what you could for me. How ‘bout I take you to where the castle is as thanks?

**Data-Sora:** I’m down with that! *starts to follow her*

**Cloaked figure:** I’m just gonna show up, talk to myself about true memories, and leave again. MY PWAN IS GWEAT.

**Data-Sora:** WE ARE HERE NOW EVIDENTLY.

**Queen of Hearts:** That’s nice for you, now get off my lawn.

**Alice:** Pardon the breaking and entering, Your Majesty, we just need to physically assault and possibly murder someone for vague and unexplainable reasons and then we’ll be on our way.

**Queen of Hearts:** I understandably don’t want you to do that.

**Alice:** Oh, we’ll be quick, you won’t even notice.

**Queen of Hearts:** Hmm, let me think about — no. I charge you with breaking and entering and attempted murder. You are to stand trial at once.

**Data-Sora:** I want a lawyer! Quick, someone call Nelson and Murdock!

**Alice:** They haven't been a thing for a while now, keep up. *runs forward* We don’t need lawyers anyway, we can prove our own innocence!

**Queen of Hearts:** A likely story! YOU’RE THE ONES WHO TOOK MY MEMORY!

**Data-Sora:** FUCKING CHAIN OF MEMORIES PLOT ALL OVER AGAIN. I blame the boxes.

**Queen of Hearts:** So you’re storing my memories in boxes, are you?!

**Alice:** How…How did you even…

**Queen of Hearts:** All in favor of giving them the death penalty this instant? Aye! All opposed?

**Data-Sora and Alice:** Nay!

**Queen of Hearts:** _Too bad I’m in chaaaarge!_ Guards! Lethal injection darts! Now!

**Alice:** Well this isn’t good.

**Data-Sora:** We’ve got an army of beings with sharp pointy spears who could stab us at any time, and it looks like I’m leaving you here while I run for it myself. I think I’ll just keep asking about the Keyhole, I’m sure the impatient bloodthirsty beings who live in fear of displeasing their monarch’ll wait.

**Alice:** It’s that really bright glowy thing inside the bird cage that’s right next to the Queen to the point that I have no idea how we’re just now noticing it.

**Data-Sora:** Right! Time to completely abandon you, then!

**Alice:** Wait, _what?!_

**Data-Sora:** Imma defeat the boss and seal the Keyhole, you, Iunno, run or something. Be a massive coward. That's a good way to live your life.

**Alice:** B-But—

**Data-Sora:** *actual dialogue* Don’t worry, I’ll be fine!

**Alice:** That is _not_ what I’m ultimately worried about, you prick! *runs away*

**Cards:** For some reason we’re only concerned with you, now! *dogpile Sora*

**Data-Sora:** Missed, shitbags!

**Queen of Hearts:** I WANT HIS BLOOD!

**Birdcage:** *is suddenly lowered. Iunno, maybe Data-Sora defeated the cards offscreen or something*

**Data-Sora:** *points his Keyblade at it and we are mercifully spared yet another horrible Trickmaster fight*

**Mickey:** Well that was easy. We’re just breezing through levels at this rate. Maybe this movie’s gonna be shorter than we all thought!

**Jiminy:** And as expected, the line about there being more hurts than the one we’ve just undone is presented to us as if it’s brand new information. This is getting duller than it already was.

**Donald:** Yeah, isn’t this the third time or something?

**Goofy:** Door’s still locked, and I _really_ need a piss.

**Donald:** Have you ever peed in someone's coffee?

**Goofy:** Not recently.

**Mickey:** Try to hold it, dude. Jiminy, how many worlds did you guys visit in KHI?

**Jiminy:** Traverse Town, Wonderland, Olympus, Deep Jungle, Agrabah, Monstro, Atlantica, Halloween Town, Neverland, Hollow Bastion, the Winnie the Pooh book, the End of the World…twelve. Not counting Sora’s home planet. Of which we’ve done two so far.

**Mickey:** Jesus Harrington Christ…

**Jiminy:** You think Sora’s at a place yet where we can progress with the story?

**Cloaked figure:** I am now on the monitor.

**Jiminy:** The cloaked figure is now on the monitor!

**Data-Sora:** *runs up to him* Please don’t Disapparate again and just fucking talk to me already. At least let me know whether or not you’re the one behind all this shit.

**Cloaked figure:** I’m quoting Xehanort’s heart from back when you first met him. Have fun with that.

**Data-Sora:** No, gimme something different.

**Cloaked figure:** M’kay. Memory and reality now stand tied.

**Data-Sora:** …Gwah?

**Cloaked figure:** Fine, I’ll spell it out for you. *creates a portal of darkness behind him*

**Data-Sora:** Uh…

**Mickey:** … _Follow him?!_

**Data-Sora:** Fine… *follows him*

**Jiminy:** Even though Sora’s following him right now, it’ll be impossible to figure out who this guy is!

**Donald:** Something about the jacket and the fact that, aside from Riku and His Majesty, only evil assholes wear that jacket, makes me think he could be an evil asshole.

**Mickey:** Jiminy, you’re an idiot. Donald, wait for Sora.

**Door:** Knock knock knock knock.

**Mickey:** Is someone knocking at my door?

**Goofy:** Nah, it's some guy hammering. A girl. That's not you.

**Mickey:** I ha... _What?_

**Donald:** Well know who could that be? I say, “Who is it?”

**Door:** No answer.

**Donald:** _Who is it?_

**Door:** There’s no answer.

**Donald: WHO IS IT!**

**Door:** They’re not saying anything.

**Goofy:** Chip and Dale, maybe? We haven’t seen them in like a half hour or something!

**Data-Sora:** *bashes through the door with his Keyblade*

**Mickey:** …I’m confused.

**Data-Sora:** I know that voice… _You’re_ Mickey?! *makes his Keyblade vanish* Wait, I was following that other guy, how’d I end up here? *closes the door behind him for some reason*

**Jiminy:** Monitor’s acting up again.

**Mickey:** …Why’s it showing an image of _us_ looking at the computer?

**Goofy:** Sure is strange.

**Data-Sora:** I have no idea what’s going on, can I look confused with you guys?

**Mickey:** I HEARD A NOISE!

**Donald:** I haven’t heard this music in over a game!

**Goofy:** I’m so terrified I’m climbing up the chair!

**Mickey:** Please don’t.

**Cloaked figure:** *digitizes into the room with his arms crossed like a badass, then digitizes his hood off without moving like a badass, revealing Riku’s face*

**Data-Sora, Donald, Goofy, Mickey, and Jiminy:** Oh, hey Riku.

**Data-Riku:** …You’re not surprised?

**Data-Sora:** There were literally only two people you could possibly have been.

**Data-Riku:** Ah, 's true.

**Mickey:** Not to mention that we knew you had to show up eventually since you’re the only reason not everyone’s automatically predisposed to hate this game.

**Data-Sora:** And I don’t wanna hate things! I wanna love things!

**Donald:** No you don’t! I know for a _fact_ that’s not true!

**Data-Sora:** It’s not true at all!

**Data-Riku:** Heh. But I’m actually not Riku, not really. Like that guy over there, I’m just a computer clone that looks like a real dude.

**Data-Sora:** Wait, so I’m a digital copy thingy you created to do your bidding and then immediately dispose of once you were done with me? And you didn’t tell me?!

**Mickey:** …Eh heh…

**Data-Sora:** We _will_ talk about this later. Once I’m told of it again and only then actually notice.

**Data-Sora:** Wait, for real, you're only being told about this now?

**Data-Sora:** Exactly, right?

**Data-Sora:** That's gonna give you the nightmares.

**Data-Sora:** I need those!

**Data-Riku:** Yeesh, all of you guys are pieces of shit, you know that? Every single one of you fucking pieces of shit are a bunch of pieces of shit. Anyway, Jiminy’s journal got fucked with, right? When the events were put back together, glitches appeared all the fuck over. And yet the game itself still runs pretty smoothly in my limited experience of watching a walkthrough on YouTube of the DS version years ago. The glitches prevented the book from being completely restored. Still easier to deal with than Assassin’s Creed: Unity, though.

**Goofy:** Topical!

**Donald:** Not really, that was, like, literal years ago.

**Goofy:** And most of this parody was written literal years ago except for last-minute references added in at the last minute.

**iheartmwpp:** Movies are easier than games and I wanted this one out of the way, what do you want from me.

**Data-Riku:** Anyway! My form was chosen for some reason to protect the journal’s pages. Because, even though they were primarily about Sora, I do kind of feature pretty heavily, I guess.

**Donald:** *is inching away from Data-Riku as he comes closer* But you never wore that outfit until the end of your section of Chain of Memories, though.

**Data-Riku:** Exactly. After everything got set right at the end of that game, I was created to absorb all the real memories to protect them from the glitches.

**Donald:** Quick! Everyone head-tilt in confusion at the same time!

**Data-Sora, Goofy, Mickey, and Jiminy:** Way ahead of you!

**Data-Riku:** Basically I’m Jiminy’s journal. And you might scoff at that, but if you really think about it, you can still scoff at it, but after that… *walks over to the computer*

**Jiminy:** A person in a black garment pops out of a blank book meant to be written in and claims to contain memories…

**Data-Riku:** No I’m not a Horcrux. *presses a button on the computer and the usual message from the journal appears* By the way, all of you are in the Digital World now. Sorry, but I needed help. Even I don’t know what this passage means.

**Donald:** If I’m just data, why do I still feel like I’m flesh and blood?

**Goofy:** And I still have to go to the little boy’s room?

**Data-Riku:** BECAUSE OF REASONS.

**Mickey:** I can’t believe it’s taking us this long to figure shit out.

**Goofy:** Probably because scientists theorize that this is bullshit!

**Mickey:** That Super Best Friends quote'll make a good chapter title.

**Data-Sora:** I’m falling asleep back here.

**Data-Riku:** Of course you are. *hits some more buttons on the keyboard*

**Chip:** WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS.

**Dale:** WHAT HE SAID.

**Mickey:** Chip? Dale? Can you guys hear me?

**Dale:** Even though everyone’s been talking this whole time, we’ve only just now been able to pick up on it!

**Chip:** You guys aren’t physically here anymore, so we figured that the only possible explanation was that you guys were transported to the Digital World!

**Data-Sora:** So where are our Digimon?

**Data-Riku:** There’s no way in hell we’d ever be that lucky.

**Data-Sora:** Poop.

**Chip and Dale:** We can see you guys talking on our own monitor!

**Goofy:** It’s just now sinking in for me.

**Mickey:** Do try to keep up, you’re actually usually the smart one, as terrifying as that is.

**Goofy:** Oh fuck off.

**Mickey:** Riku, is there any way of getting back to the real world?

**Data-Riku:** I’ll tell you when the monitor isn’t blaring at us.

**Dale:** Oh crap.

**Chip:** Someone’s trying to hack us!

**Data-Riku:** Well that’s not good. *starts using the computer like every movie you’ve ever seen. In other words, completely untrue to life* If we don’t fix this, you guys’ll be stuck here.

**Mickey:** This is my grr face.

**Dale:** And we’ve been cut off. This sucks.

**Mickey:** Chip? Dale? Can you hear me now?

**Chip:** No.

**Mickey:** Poop.

**Data-Riku:** *typing rapidly* For a backwater islander, I sure seem to know a lot about computers. Maybe it was that one year with DiZ…that I wasn’t there for. But yeah, sorry, there’s no way back to the real world now.

**Donald:** Is there _anything_ good you could tell us?

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, we might be able to fix it maybe.

**Donald and Goofy:** Hurrah!

**Data-Riku:** But first we need to get rid of the glitches.

**Donald and Goofy:** Hurroo.

**Data-Sora:** So I haven’t been following any of this…

**Data-Riku:** What a digital dummy.

**Data-Sora:** Fuck of. Anyway, it sounds like you guys are fucking trapped as shit and my ingrained/programmed saving-people-thing’s demanding that I help you guys out. I really dislike it sometimes but there you go. Figure out a way to send me back in to get rid of the glitches already.

**Donald:** Sweet.

**Goofy:** That’s very kind of you!

**Mickey:** We’ll never be able to repay you at this rate.

**Data-Sora:** *actual dialogue* Who says we’re keeping score? We’re all friends, right?

**Data-Riku, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy:** You’re almost unbearably adorable, you know that?

**Mickey:** Now just forget that you've been programmed to act that way, all right?

**Data-Sora:** Already done, who'd want to think too hard about those implications anyway? And somehow I know that going back out the door over there will lead me to the next location. *leaves*

~Why is it that everything’s even slightly more bearable whenever Riku’s around? Is it because I'm massively biased in his favor?~


	5. Some Type Of Fuck Was Given At One Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **LET'S SEE IF I CAN MANAGE TO UPLOAD THIS BEFORE WE LOSE POWER AGAIN YAY SNOW:** Super Best Friends Play, Pokémon ‘Bridged, _G Gundam, The Lord of the Rings,_ 50% Off, _Harry Potter,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, Berserk Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Atop the Fourth Wall, _The Simpsons,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…SO NOW WE’RE IN OLYMPUS APPARENTLY.~

**Data-Sora:** I really appreciate how I don’t have to go through any complicated spaceship travel in order to get here, that would just be annoying.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** HA! Now _I_ am the unseen narrator from afar!

**Data-Sora:** Suddenly I can tolerate everything.

**Data-Riku:** You’d be able to say that if this wasn’t complete dogshit. So it’s more like you adapted to the dogshit faster. Because you’re used to the smell.

**Data-Sora:** That analogy is the Dark Souls of analogies.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Mm-hmm. Status report.

**Data-Sora:** I’m in the area where nothing happens unless it’s the game version of Days.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Check around some more, there’s definitely something on this planet that’s messed up. Find the Keyhole, defeat the unseen boss inside, seal the Keyhole, move onto the next planet, the usual rubbish.

**Data-Sora:** So it’s exactly like what’s happened so far. LET ME REITERATE JUST TO BE SURE.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Could you not?

**Data-Sora:** M’kay, I’ll do the thing so we can all get out of here.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Well I can’t get outside, and neither can you for that matter, but sure, whatever.

**Phil:** Wait why can’t we move.

**Data-Sora:** You get used to it.

**Mickey’s voice:** Your search for that world’s Keyhole brought you to the lobby of the Coliseum where you met Phil. The bachelor's degree in English I'm still trying to pay for desperately wants to put a comma in there, since right now it sounds like you’re just describing the room instead of stating that you are actually meeting Phil right now, but I’m refraining for some reason. Hercules had gone off to investigate the cause of the bugs and hadn’t returned.

**Data-Sora:** Isn’t it supposed to be Heracles?

**Hercules:** *punches through a wall* We are _not_ doing that shit again, comprende?!

**Mickey’s voice:** When you finally found him in the Coliseum labyrinth that now exists for some reason, Herc told you that Hades was responsible for the whole mess in Olympus. Knowing you had to stop the evil Hades, you and Herc headed further into the depths of the maze, ready to face whatever danger may lurk ahead. I am of great value to this movie. Narrators are integral to—

**Data-Sora:** OMFG CLOUD’S HERE I AM SPLOOSHING ALL OVER.

**Cloud:** Gross.

**Hercules:** Why are you making us fight what we wanna _be?_

**Cloud:** *sigh* Yeah, I got roped into this once again too.

**Player/Watcher this time, I guess:** …Cloud…I love ya, man, but—

**Cloud:** Auron exploded into pyreflies. Or possibly the Lifestream, Iunno.

**Player/Watcher:** I know, I know…

**Cloud:** Hey, big guy, you Hercules?

**Hercules:** Why do we automatically assume he’s a villain?

**Sora:** Because only villains can look that badass maybe? *draws Keyblade* So…what up?

**Cloud:** We fight now I guess. *runs forward, jumps up, and slices down at them*

**Data-Sora and Hercules:** *dodge to the side*

**Hercules:** *tries to punch him*

**Cloud:** *blocks it with the buster sword and slashes at him*

**Hercules and Cloud:** *exchange blows, parrying each others attacks and flipping around like awesome…fighting…dudes*

**Data-Sora:** Aww, I want in on this.

**Hercules:** *starts crackling with sexual energy* THIS HAND OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME _POWER!_ ITS BURNING GRIP TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU! TAKE THIS: MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW! _SHINING FINGER!_

**Cloud:** … _Ow?!_ *is forced to bend the knee* I have to admit, I’m surprised that reference took so long to make it into one of these.

**Hercules:** Me too, really. So who’re you again?

**Cloud:** Cloud. I don’t like heroes despite being the hero of my own game. I think we’re going with like an anti-hero vibe here or something.

**Data-Sora:** Oh come on, we have enough of those! You were Cool enough in your game, why’d you have to change to being an emo dirtbag?

**Cloud:** I’ll tell you after I slash up this incoming fireball.

**Data-Sora and Hercules:** Huh. I didn’t know you could do that.

**Hades:** *poofs into existence* Seriously? I missed?

**Data-Sora:** Ah shit, it's James Woods. Like, good on him for reprising the role again, but...

**Hades:** Hey there!

**Cloud:** Dude, I told you I had this! This is _my_ fight! My own! My precious!

**Hades:** Not anymore, it ain’t!

**Cloud:** Why not?

**Hades:** You couldn’t even distract Jerk-ules long enough for me to mangle his moussaka. Pardon the voice, by the way, I think I got a lump of that stuck in my throat.

**Data-Sora:** You the one who made all the glitches? Or at least suddenly add this labyrinth for no reason?

**Hades:** Nope!

**Data-Sora:** …Oh.

**Hercules:** Can you tell us who did?

**Hades:** What do I care, I’m not in charge of this dump anymore. In fact, I think I’ll let _them_ take care of you, so I can sit back and enjoy the show.

**Cloud:** No, I wanna keep fighting you.

**Hades:** And I’ve deemed you not worth my time. How ‘bout you find some daisies and try to push ‘em up, huh? *poofs away*

**Data-Sora:** Wow, what a dick.

**Cloud:** Yeah, glad to know I was just his puppet this whole time. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t see that coming. *starts to walk away*

**Hercules:** …Where do you think you’re going?

**Cloud:** I have to go…not talk to you anymore.

**Data-Sora:** Aww, I wanted him to hang out with us!

**Hercules:** He’s probably just bitter that he’s another one of Hades’s machinations. Believe me, I know that feel.

**Data-Sora:** Doesn’t matter, I miss the happier Cloud from the beginning of his game.

**Hercules:** Whatever, I just wanna know who’s behind all of this shit if it’s not Hades.

**Data-Sora:** What about Hera, she hates you.

**Hercules:** …No she doesn’t, why would my own mother hate me?

**Data-Sora:** What does Alceme have to do with this?

**Hercules:** She was my _foster_ mother, she raised me. My real mother is Hera, Zeus’s wife.

**Data-Sora:** Yes, because your father is truly a faithful god. Especially when he’s married to his sister.

**Hercules:** Of course he is — Wait, what?!

**Data-Sora:** Oh, nothing important. Apparently. But still, we have to figure out how we’re gonna get out of here.

**Hercules:** How ‘bout we backtrack a little? I’ll lead the way.

**Data-Sora:** Walk next to you, got it.

**Hercules:** …Sigh…

**Mickey’s voice:** So eventually you guys caught up to Cloud, who was fighting a bunch of Heartless, and you tried to convince him to hang out with you, but he didn’t wanna, but eventually you talked him into it, and the battle system turned into the classic turn-based battle system for some reason and it was kinda nostalgic, and you kept progressing and stuff.

**Cloud:** Why couldn’t we move during that whole monologue.

**Hercules:** Stop complaining about how much shorter it makes this.

**Data-Sora:** And now we’re suddenly ascending some stairs — Oh, hey Fluffy, been a while.

**Cloud:** Cerberus? Heh, we named the Vincent spin-off after this guy. Fun times. Anyway, there are three heads and there are three of us. How’s about we each take a head or something?

**Data-Sora:** Sounds good to me! *leaps up and bashes one of the heads*

**Hercules:** Yeah, you guys have fun with that. *runs behind Fluffy, grabs his tail, spins him around, and slams him into the floor* Okay, _now_ we can each murder a head.

**Data-Sora and Cloud:** HOORAY FOR ANIMAL ABUSE! *help Hercules finish him off*

**Cloud:** Well that was fun, but I think it’s time I peaced out of here.

**Data-Sora:** I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU’RE LEAVING. APPARENTLY.

**Hades:** Uh, didja forget I existed or something? *poofs into existence in front of them*

**Hercules:** Oh Hades, we could never forget you!

**Hades:** Stop making me blush, I’m to busy being pissed at you. Ya see, here’s the thing about deadly mazes: You’re supposed to DIE in them! But I guess this is gonna take a more personal approach.

**Data-Sora:** Why is your original dialogue so amazing.

**Hades:** Because I’m awesome.

**Data-Sora:** The character, yes. Yo, Herc, I think I know why you’re such a big tough guy.

**Hercules:** Because a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart?

**Cloud:** I thought it was the huge muscles.

**Data-Sora:** Nah, you just have to be the guy still standing once the fight’s over.

**Hercules:** …That’s what makes a _winner,_ not necessarily a hero. Villains _are_ known to sometimes get happy endings, you know.

**Hades:** SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME. *bursts into red flames which, as has been established many a time, are ironically cooler than the blue flames he usually sports* I throw a fireball at you, sir!

**Data-Sora:** I deflect it back at you, sir!

**Cloud:** I slash at you, sir!

**Hades:** I gracefully dodge it, sir!

**Hercules:** I slam you in the stomach, sir!

**Hades:** That’s highly injurous, sir! Fine, you win this round.

**Cloud:** Come back here so we can kill you.

**Hades:** …God? Immortal?

**Cloud:** …Oh. Right.

**Hades:** Numbnuts. *poofs away*

**Data-Sora:** Well that was fun, let’s do it again.

**Hercules:** And I totally won that duel!

**Data-Sora:** We all won the duel.

**Hercules:** Nope. Me. I did it.

**Cloud:** Enough!

**Hercules:** Indeed, the labyrinth is apparently safe now for all the citizens who are never here. OH RIGHT PHIL EXISTS. And Meg but who cares let’s check on Phil.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay.

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** *is gathering data* Gathering data…Gathering data…Data recovery 10%.

**Player/Viewer:** *thinks the screen’s talking about progression* …Ten percent? _Ten percent?!_ JUST HOW FUCKING LONG IS THIS SCHLOCK-FEST.

**Data-Sora:** And now to scream at the sky and hope Herc and Cloud don’t notice. Yo Riku, anything on your end?

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, one of the upcoming bosses is about ten percent done.

**Data-Sora:** …Spectacular.

**Mickey:** Thanks so much for all your help.

**Data-Sora:** I changed my mind, you owe me so fucking much for this.

**Mickey:** …You essentially get to hang out with Pokémon next game?

**Data-Sora:** OKAY, WE’RE GOOD.

**Donald:** No video this time, what gives.

**Data-Riku:** That’s ‘cause I was hallucinating them, essentially.

**Donald:** …Wut.

**Data-Riku:** I got access to memories associated with those worlds when you got rid of the corresponding glitches. They were able to show up on the monitor because I was still inside the computer, essentially. But I’m outside now so you can’t see shit.

**Jiminy:** I still don’t get how memories I didn’t write down somehow found their way into the journal. You’re _sure_ you’re not a Horcrux?

**Goofy:** Will you guys shut up and look at the screen for a second?!

**Mickey:** What the fuck is Pete doing there, I was hoping we could do without him this time.

**Data-Sora:** I hate that I’m from a time period where we haven’t met yet.

**Pete:** I am unconvinced of the apparent fact that you do not recognize me.

**Mickey:** Seriously, how did you get in there. And how are you hearing me.

**Pete:** Because I’m also from the outside world, maybe? And I just wanted a little vacation into a Digital World where I could take over entire areas for myself and pretend I’ve conquered the real thing. *jumps into a digital vortex*

**Mickey:** Oh great, he’s more delusional than ever. Sora, do the thing!

**Data-Sora:** I’m beginning to regret choosing to follow your orders…thought whether I actually have a choice is suspect... *jumps in after Pete and ends up in Agrabah* Well that was abrupt. Where’d that guy go and why is Mickey so afraid of him? And why aren’t there any people around in this _obvious huge sprawling city._ WHY DO I NEVER RUN INTO ANY PEOPLE THAT AREN’T MAIN CHARACTERS.

**Mickey’s voice:** Because these games aren’t really trying for realism. Like how I’m talking about how you met Aladdin while hovering over a picture of Jafar kidnapping Jasmine. A-fucking-gain. But apparently you and Aladdin saved her offscreen super easily, so there’s that I guess. And it looked like Jafar wanted to become Sultan and rule over all of Agrabah, or at least be treated like a hero all the citizens adored. He wanted a parade in his honor, with peacocks and monkeys galore. And then Pete made a digital replica of the lamp that somehow granted Jafar the power to stop time. I mean, obviously, right?! So he then kidnapped Jasmine _AGAIN_ — best Disney princess my fine ass — and then fucked off. But at least the magic didn’t affect you for some reason, and I forget if you even learn Stop in this game so there’s that at least. And Aladdin had the real lamp, of course, but Iago stole it because Aladdin’s a dumbass. So then you began to chase him and shit. Aren’t you glad you can skip over all that pointless time-wasting nonsense and just have me sum it up? I know I am!

**Gilbert Gittfried:** I love reprising my role as this dumb bird!

**Data-Sora:** *grabs Iago* So do I, but seriously, gimme back the lamp.

**Iago:** J-Jafar forced me to do it! Really he did! *flies off* Here, look at my butt for a while!

**Data-Sora:** …No. *looks at the lamp he just got* So…What’s the point of this thing again, despite just seeing one that could stop time? IMMA RUB IT FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

**Genie:** *pops out with his arms crossed* You know, Al, I’m getting really—IIII don’t think you’re him.

**Data-Sora:** My friends call me Sora. Because it’s my name. Is Al short for Aladdin? See, Jafar stopped time so Aladdin’s basically frozen. Erm, why am I telling you this, I have no idea who you are.

**Genie:** Oh, that’s simple. He can be taught! What would you wish of me? The ever impressive, the long contained, often imitated, but never duplica-duplica-duplicaded GENIE OF THE _LAAAAAAMP!_ Right here, direct from the lamp! Right here for your very much wish fulfillment.

**Data-Sora:** I HAVE SO MANY WISHES YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

**Genie:**  Three wishes, to be exact. And ex-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it, three! Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, extensions, or refunds. 

**Data-Sora:** I have my thinking face on.

**Genie:** I am confused as to why you have your thinking face on.

**Data-Sora:** I wish for you to make the world as it was before!

**Genie:** …Before what? Before there were humans, before time began, before Windows started its shitty mandatory update system, _WHAT?!_

**Data-Sora:** Before all these black and red boxes and possibly before Jafar stopped time, that part’s unclear.

**Genie:** Okay, I guess I could do that.

**Data-Sora:** GAH THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

**Genie:** Sorry, it does that. *flies up into the sky and makes all the boxes disappear* Whaddaya think of it?

**Data-Sora:** Awesome! Um, time _did_ un-stop for Aladdin and the others, right?

**Genie:** I wish, but only the one who cast that particular type of magic can do away with that kind of spell.

**Data-Sora:** Poop.

**Genie:**  I’m sorry, kid, but there are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos.

**Data-Sora:** Eh, it’s my fault, I really should’ve been more specific.

**Genie:** Dude, I didn’t tell you the rules, it’s _my_ fault! So Imma rule that one a freebie, because I can apparently do that. Also I know exactly how to find Jafar.

**Data-Sora:** *ponders to himself for a bit, then smirks evilly* Provisos? You mean…limitations? On _wishes?_ Heh! Some all-powerful genie! Can’t even bring people back from the dead, I somehow know now. But I don’t know, man. You probably can’t even get me to where Jafar is. Looks like _I’m_ gonna have to find a way to hi—

**Genie:** *slams giant foot down in front of Sora* Excuse me, eheh, are you looking at me? Did you rub my lamp?! Did you wake me up?! Did you bring me here?! And all of a sudden, you’re walking out on me?! I don’t think so. Not right now! You’re getting your wishes, so SIT DOWN! *flies up into the air and vanishes in a stream of golden light which he warps around Sora to make him teleport to where Jafar is*

**Goofy:** *watching the monitor* I don’t know about you guys, but I thought that Genie was soooo funny!

**Mickey:** I have to pee.

**Jiminy:** But he’s _not_ funny!

**Data-Riku:** You gonna watch the thing?

**Goofy:** Oh no no no no no no! He’s so funny that if he were to go away, I’d want to see him again, and again, and again!

**Data-Riku:** I have this information for you!

**Jiminy:** But that’s why he’s _not_ funny!

**Mickey:** I have to pee.

**Goofy:** So much funny!

**Data-Riku:** *turns the monitor off and on in timing with his voice* “I want you to watch me because I am a screen!”

**Mickey:** I have to pee!

**Goofy:** *deep scary voice* _Watch the screen._

**Donald:** I _do_ want to watch the screen because I wanna see Aladdin and Jasmine! Those stills were somehow not enough for me!

**Mickey:** Who cares, what happened to Pete?

**Jiminy:** And why is he even in this game in the first place? Fan demand? ‘Cause I somehow doubt that.

**Data-Riku:** He must’ve slipped in somehow. No idea how but he did it.

**Jiminy:** Well we know he didn’t get in the same way we did. There must be more than one way in.

**Mickey:** How, we have both journals.

**Goofy:** Hate to break it to you, but there’s at least three more journals in BBS, and probably like fourteen more in Days. We’re just talking about the ones written by Jiminy.

**Donald:** Why’re we speculating? Let’s just have Sora figure it out.

**Mickey:** That’s fine, Imma still worry about Pete. We need to think of something in case anything happens.

**Monitor:** *shows Sora running toward the Cave of Wonders*

**Data-Riku:** I have a cunning plan.

**Mickey’s voice:** You come up with that cunning plan, Imma narrate. So then Sora and Genie caught up with Jafar, and Jasmine was sleeping under a spell, and Jafar used his lamp to make wishes because I guess he could do that, and he wished to become a Genie, and he disappeared into the Keyhole, and oh yeah you’re still looking for Keyholes and I guess Fluffy was in the Keyhole last time, that wasn’t really properly established.

**Data-Sora:** Okay, why is there _lava_ inside a Keyhole, that’s not cool. At least the invisible walls will prevent me from falling into it. Kind of makes the whole thing a lot less treacherous…

**Genie-Jafar:** …So I’m still definitely Jonathan Freeman, but I don’t really sound like it. Like, at all. Also I kill you now. *throws giant magma ball at Data-Sora*

**Data-Sora:** *dodges it* Damn it, how’m I supposed to fight this guy?!

**Genie:** I’m a little voice in your head now! And don’t bother fighting him directly, he has phenomenal cosmic powers. Go after the shitty shitty living space.

**Iago:** Don’t pay attention to me, don’t pay attention to me…

**Data-Sora:** I’m paying attention to you!

**Iago:** Aww, you did that thing I told you not to do!

**Genie-Jafar:** *raises up another magma ball* Stand still, how can I kill you if you keep moving?!

**Iago:** Why are these boxes still here?

**Data-Sora** Don’t know, but I’m kind of grateful in this case. *jumps up the boxes*

**Genie-Jafar:** Oh no you don’t! *throws magma ball*

**Data-Sora:** Oh balls. *jumps up and grabs Iago*

**Iago:** This is just not my day.

**Genie-Jafar:** *is blinded by the light*

**Iago:** I guess the kid has the lamp now. And now back to reality where the Return of Jafar happened and I’m a good guy now. I wonder if we’ll do King of Thieves in KHIII, that’d be entertaining, that movie was actually pretty good.

**Jafar:** Gimme.

**Genie:** Use the lamp, Luke!

**Data-Sora:** M’kay. You go home now.

**Jafar:** Oh poopie. *is pulled back into the lamp, which disappears into data*

**Data-Sora:** Is that it? Did I do the thing?

**Pete:** Damn it! Oh, I’m suddenly here now, by the way.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, how—?

**Pete:** Iunno, I just wanted Jafar to help me send everything spiraling into darkness!

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, why—?

**Pete:** Disapparate!

**Data-Sora:** *throws a hand over his face* Ah, computer magic! Damn it, looks like I have to follow him some more—

**Genie:** Hold up, Sora! You leaving already?

**Data-Sora:** Yep, and I wish for you to get Jasmine home and give the lamp back to Aladdin.

**Genie:** Somehow that’s just one wish total! So how ‘bout your third wish?

**Data-Sora:** I _could_ just _end the fucking game right now,_ but I like seeing people suffer, so just give the last wish to Aladdin or something, I don’t care, something about friendship.

**Genie:** D’aaaaaww!

**Data-Sora:** Also I’ve seen the movie. Trust me, Aladdin’s a good guy.

**Genie:** Works for me! Adios!

**Data-Sora:** Later! Now how do I get out of here…

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Gathering data…Gathering data…Data recovery 30%

**Data-Sora:** I assume I sealed the Keyhole offscreen? *runs out of the Tiger Head Cave*

**Pete:** I’ve apparently been waiting for you. I’m so nice.

**Data-Sora:** That _was_ nice. I’m still gonna stop you, though.

**Pete:** No you’re not. It’s time you met a proper villain. YO, MALEFICENT! GET OUT HERE, BITCH!

**Data-Sora:** Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if she didn’t show up?

**Maleficent:** Indeed. *appears behind Data-Sora in green flames*

**Data-Sora:** …Who’re you?

**Maleficent:** Oh. You. How joyous. *flings out her arms*

**Data-Sora:** *goes flying* … _Ow?!_

**Keyblade:** *flew in a different direction*

**Maleficent:** …Huh.

**Data-Sora:** …What’re you doing?

**Maleficent:** Nothing much. _Wingardium leviosa!_ *makes Keyblade float toward her* _Reducto!_ *makes the Keyblade asplode*

**Data-Sora:** …Oh dear.

**Maleficent:** Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh…Also it was a knockoff anyway, don’t beat yourself up about it. But it was still annoying so now that it’s gone, I’m gonna take over this fake world and pretend it’s the real one I guess.

**Data-Sora:** *starts to get up* …Can you not?

**Shadow Heartless:** It actually seems like a while since we made an appearance even though were this the game version you would’ve been fighting us this whole time.

**Maleficent:** Yep. Kill everything.

**Data-Sora:** And I’m dead.

**Data-Riku:** No you’re not.

**Mickey:** What he said.

**Data-Sora:** …I take everything back, you guys are the best.

**Data-Riku:** We know.

**Mickey:** Seriously, though, what’re you two doing here in what we’re now suddenly calling the datascape for no reason?

**Maleficent:** “Date escape?” Dude, your own personal business is your own personal business, I just want to rule shit.

**Pete:** My idea, by the way! And now for a flashback. I was sneaking around your castle and somehow not being noticed by anyone, and when I peaked into the library I saw all y’all staring at a computer. I figured you were watching an LP or something, but then you all disappeared in front of my very eyes. And since I’d cracked open the door, I got sucked in as well. But I didn’t end up where you three were. Instead I was alone in a white space with several screens floating above me and showing off the various worlds that’re being showcased in this game. The Disney Castle one was fuzzy for some reason. So then I got up and shouted for Maleficent to get over there.

**Maleficent:** And then I showed up and told him not to take that tone with me.

**Pete:** And I asked her why she came when I called despite that.

**Maleficent:** To which I told him where he could stick it. And then I asked him what kind of place we were in.

**Pete:** And I guessed that it was a place that tied a bunch of dimensions together, and suggested we take them all over.

**Maleficent:** And I gave him a dog treat for his efforts.

**Pete:** And I spat it back out because I’m a cat I think. We’ve been dicking around ever since. And I figured out how to gain control of the only way out of the Digital World. So with you guys stuck here forever, we can leave whenever we want and take over all the real worlds unhindered!

**Data-Sora:** _You’re_ the one who made it impossible to escape!

**Maleficent:** …Yes, that is literally exactly what he just finished describing to you. Also both dimensions will be mine so yay. And it’s cool, ‘cause the only way out of here besides me being able to teleport is back to your home planet, Mouse, so I can send the Heartless directly in there if I want to!

**Mickey:** Over my dead body!

**Maleficent:** …That is rather the point, yes. Soon, all the worlds shall belong to me! Just have to get rid of the light first. How ‘bout a nice sleep spell?

**Data-Riku:** …Could you not? ‘Cause this is one world I refuse to let you touch. *summons Soul Eater* I don’t know why I’m suddenly so particular to this world, but I is. *lunges at her*

**Maleficent:** YAY THE TRAP WORKED. *dark ropes jet out of her staff and wrap around Data-Riku in midair*

**Data-Sora and Mickey:** Hey! Stop that!

**Data-Riku:** How am I floating.

**Maleficent:** It’s magic, you don’t have to explain it. Also did you forget the part where he’s a fucking villain under my control? I’m just putting him back where he belongs! *makes him disappear in green flames before following suit*

**Pete:** HA HA! *uses data to teleport*

**Data-Sora:** Damn it, didn’t we already resolve Riku not really being a villain like four fucking games ago?

**Mickey:** Five, really, he was done by the end of KHI.

**Data-Sora:** Oh yeah.

~WE’RE ONLY LIKE JUST OVER A THIRD OF THE WAY IN SOMEONE SEND HELP.~


	6. This Sure Is A Thing. Can't Say It's Not A Thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Been Trying To Get A Friend Of Mine Into KH, But I Made The Mistake Of Trying To Explain The Mythos Without Lots And Lots Of Charts And Diagrams Because Holy Fuck Do You Need Visuals For All This Shit:** Super Best Friends Play, _Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Star Trek 3: Search for Spock,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Firefly, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Black Adder,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Well that was fun, wasn’t it.~

**Jiminy:** How’d you guys get back here so fast, this whole just jumping around without any real resolutions to anything is starting to grate on me. Also it’s so tragic that Riku got kidnapped, it’s all very sad.

**Goofy:** I know, he’s got all the journal data inside him! We’ll never be able to solve the mystery now!

**Donald:** The needs of the many, you guys! The entire digital world is gonna be consumed by darkness and the Maleficent is gonna send the darkness directly into _our_ world!

**Mickey:** We gotta resolve this quickly. Jiminy, how many other worlds still have glitches?

**Jiminy:** Despite being only thirty percent done except that’s not what that percentage measures, apparently just the one. Because computers. Damn it, we were nearly done with the game/movie!

**Data-Sora:** You guys really don’t know how long this thing is, do you. And now we’ll never finish it because my Keyblade’s gone.

**Mickey:** Don’t blame yourself, blame us for never thinking to just program you a new one. But I still have one, so I’ll do what I should’ve done in the first place: Everything myself.

**Jiminy:** Dude, you’re the king, you can’t be on the front lines!

**Mickey:** All the good kings are. I’ll get rid of the glitches _and_ save Riku.

**Data-Sora:** I wanna help!

**Mickey:** No, you don’t have a weapon.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah I do! *holds out hand like he’s gonna summon the Keyblade* How am I just now getting that my Keyblade was destroyed when it happened _right in front of my fucking eyes._

**Mickey:** Sora, I’m sorry you’re such a fucking idiot.

**Data-Sora:** But I thought Keyblades were indestructible!

**Mickey:** Didja forget the part where you’re a data clone? We just programmed a Keyblade into your hand so you, a disposable new life we created specifically to serve our purposes, could fight for us. Don't read too much into that, it's fine. And we can apparently only do that from the outside world, not when we’re inside the Digital World itself. Which Maleficent is of course blocking the only exit out of here. You’ll have to deal without a weapon until I solve everything for you to the point where you hopefully won’t even need a weapon anymore.

**Data-Sora:** But I wanna help!

**Mickey:** You’ve helped enough. Now it’s time to do something my own damn self. You two, stay here.

**Donald and Goofy:** M’kay. *watch him run out the door*

**Donald:** *starts pacing* I’m impatient and worried.

**Goofy:** The king’ll be fine! He’s the smartest most awesomest most practical king—

**Jiminy:** Beautiful.

**Goofy:** —beautiful king who’s totally got this.

**Donald:** I know, but he’s going up against Maleficent. Whom we’ve beaten before. Twice. And we didn’t even have to fight her last time we met her, making people wonder why she even bothered showing up.

**Jiminy:** He also has to deal with the threat of Pete!

**Donald:** *falls to the floor, laughing hysterically* Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!

**Goofy:** He also has to destroy seemingly harmless boxes that I forget if they were ever that dangerous in the original game, having never played it and never having any intention to because fuck this game.

**Donald:** Sora, you’re being awfully quiet, do you have any…Sora?

**Jiminy:** Oh no.

**Goofy:** Are any of us really that surprised, though?

**Data-Sora:** I’M IN HOLLOW BASTION NOW. And I’m going to have to go through this world without the Keyblade, the end goal being to meet up with Riku. Why…do I have the strangest sense of déjà vu right now…? Oh, hey Pete.

**Pete:** …How the hell did you get in here. _Why_ the hell did you get in here.

**Data-Sora:** So I can save my friend. What have you done with him?

**Pete:** Maniacal laugh! Catch me and find out! *walks slowly away*

**Data-Sora:** You’re a nozzle that the douche juice comes out of! *hops up the platforms and goes into the castle offscreen* Oh _Peeeeete?_

**Glitch boxes:** *block the door*

**Data-Sora:** I could really do with a Keyblade right about now…

**Pete:** Seriously, you have no weapon and I forget if you can use magic. WHY ARE YOU HERE.

**Data-Sora:** *actual dialogue* I can wipe that smug look off your face!

**Pete:** I somehow doubt that. Heartless! Sick ‘em!

**Shadows:** We are so intimidating.

**Pete:** Now you all have fun murdering a child while I finish whatever it is we’re doing in the back. *leaves*

**Data-Sora:** Well this sucks. *is surrounded by Heartless* IF ONLY I KNEW WHAT JUMPING WAS.

**Goofy:** I’ll save ya, Sora! *tornados in, destroying the Heartless and the glitches in one continuous attack*

**Data-Sora:** Okay, why haven’t you been here all game? That could’ve been really fucking useful.

**Goofy:** This is why I’m awesome and Donald sucks. *stops spinning* I thought you had everything under control, but now you clearly don’t, so what are you even doing here? We were under orders to stay in the library!

**Data-Sora:** Mickey’s not my king, he’s my friend, you don’t follow orders from friends, you take suggestions or do favors for them. And I decided not to take his suggestion.

**Goofy:** Well, let’s go then.

**Data-Sora:** …Fine. *turns to leave the current world thing*

**Goofy:** Where’re you going? Riku’s probably that way.

**Data-Sora:** …Why are you MADE OF AWESOME.

**Goofy:** ‘Cause I’m amazing. C’mon, we gotta hurry if we’re gonna catch Pete! And I’m gonna help you because you’re my friend, too!

**Data-Sora:** D’aaaaaawww!

**Goofy:** Oh, you haven’t seen Donald anywhere, have you?

**Data-Sora:** No, why?

**Goofy:** He came in at around the same time as me, but he fails so much that he went in an entirely different direction like a complete dumbass.

**Data-Sora:** That guy is such a liability, I can’t believe we have to look for him _and_ track down Pete _and_ look for Riku and the king _and_ get rid of glitches and defeat Heartless _and_ keep on the lookout for Maleficent. This is getting ridiculous.

**Donald:** Where the hell is everybody.

**Data-Sora:** Over here.

**Donald:** Oh. I can’t believe you two went and got lost on me!

**Data-Sora and Goofy:** …You’re intolerable, you know that?

**Donald:** Oh fuck off, I was legit worried about you guys!

**Data-Sora:** Oh, I’m sorry. It’s all my fault; if I still had the Keyblade…I suck at everything without it, don’t I.

**Donald:** Well, yes, but it’s cool, we’re not mad.

**Data-Sora:** You’re not?

**Goofy:** Frankly, we’re used to it. And it’s kinda fun, too.

**Data-Sora:** …You _enjoy_ it? Why?

**Donald:** Because, unless you suck at them or the games themselves suck, watching other people play video games is never as much fun as playing them yourself. Which defeats the entire purpose of turning this game into a three hour movie, but at least the creators knew that no one would want to play this shit again. I think they were banking on nostalgia, but _everyone already played Chain of Memories._

**Goofy:** But at least we’re by your side again, right? Though we did do it smarter the first time…

**Data-Sora:** So be smarter this time.

**Donald:** It’s late in the day! We’re sleepy!

**Data-Sora:** It’s fucking seven PM.

**Donald:** Well I didn’t have my nap today.

**Data-Sora:** Whatever. AND NOW WE ARE ON THE GIANT SIDEWAYS LIFT THING.

**Donald and Goofy:** I LOVE THIS ONE, THE VIEW IS AMAZING.

**Data-Sora:** Oh, I never actually thanked you before, did I.

**Goofy:** Meh, you don’t need to. But why now, though?

**Data-Sora:** When I’m with the two of you, I feel like I can do anything. Which is why I have a very strong feeling that I’ll be ditching you for the really important fights that I’ll insist that I have to do solo for dumb plot reasons or for no reason at all. I don’t know why I have that feeling, but it’s pretty strong.

**Donald:** Don’t pay it any mind, it just means we’re the bestest of friendly-friends, and since we already knew that…

**Goofy:** It’s not depressing at all to have to talk to someone you know very well and have them unable to remember you; it’s exciting to make the same friend twice! Is the optimistic implication I'm trying to give, it is _not_ always true...

**Donald:** Who cares, we’re nearly there.

**Goofy:** REHASHING OF OUR CURRENT GOALS.

**Data-Sora:** Could you not. HOW DID WE JUST TELEPORT ONTO THE CASTLE AGAIN.

**Donald and Goofy:** The lifts do that around here.

**Pete:** How’d we get so deep into the castle so fast. Also I’m running.

**Data-Sora:** I’m running faster! Caught you!

**Pete:** Balls.

**Donald:** *cuts him off behind him* There’s no escape!

**Pete:** Aww, you had to appeal to your friends to drag your ass through this level, didn’t ya?

**Goofy:** Resistance is futile.

**Pete:** Whatever, it’s not like this’ll have any effect in the long run! *summons a group of Shadows*

**Goofy:** THOSE ARE HEARTLESS.

**Data-Sora and Donald:** Yes, we know who they are.

**Donald:** FIRAGA! *fries some to death*

**Goofy:** *bashes others with shield*

**Pete:** Hmm…While they’re distracted, I _could_ murder this small child…

**Data-Sora:** *gets into a defensive stance*

**Pete:** OR I COULD SUMMON A BUNCH OF BOXES TO DO MY WORK FOR ME WHEEEEEEEEEE~! *summons a bunch of boxes that all converge on Sora*

**Donald:** Oh shit!

**Goofy:** GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE!

**Data-Sora:** *throws his arms over his face, and gets shoved backward onto his ass*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are now trapped in between the glitches*

**Donald:** Why…didn’t…you… _ **DOOOOOODDGGEEE!**_

**Data-Sora:** *immediately tries to free them*

**Goofy:** Sucks to be us, don’t it.

**Data-Sora:** Fuuuuuck…Yep, not coming apart. The hell am I supposed to do now.

**Pete:** Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Also why’d you do that, he’s just a data clone that you guys made, it’s not like he’s the real dude.

**Donald:** Because he’s enough like him that we can’t help but like him.

**Data-Sora:** WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO SWEET TODAY.

**Pete:** I don’t know what you’re talking about! HE HAS NO HEART!

**Goofy:** He’s got more of a heart than you do, shitstain!

**Pete:** *actual dialogue* What a load of bunk!

**Data-Sora:** Thaaaaat sounded obscene.

**Goofy:** And yet it strangely isn’t.

**Donald:** Plus do you not see this Sora still trying to save everyone even if he’s completely powerless? Totally the same guy as our friendly-friend.

**Goofy:** I just noticed our hats are missing.

**Donald:** Huh, how ‘bout that.

**Data-Sora:** I have _never_ seen you guys like that before, you look weird.

**Goofy:** FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

**Donald:** Chant this as you try to prize us out of here: “My friends are my power!”

**Data-Sora:** …Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.

**Pete:** Yeah he’s not gonna do that. Jesus, not even _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ was this bad at the friendship crap! *makes the boxes tighter*

**Donald and Goofy:** And now we can’t breathe. Great.

**Data-Sora:** *is knocked off of where he was trying to get them out* _Fuuuuuck_ …Look, could you do me a solid and just stop doing what you’re doing?

**Pete:** No.

**Data-Sora:** Aww…

**Flash of light:** *happens*

**Boxes:** *vanish*

**Donald and Goofy:** WE GOT OUR HATS BACK — and that’s the floor. Ow.

**Data-Sora:** …How’d I get the Keyblade back?

**Pete:** How _did_ you get the Keyblade back? I saw Maleficent destroy it, that should’ve been the end of it!

**Donald and Goofy:** We’re okay. We’re all right.

**Mickey:** Something about the power of friendship being equal to the power of light that can overcome the power of darkness and whatever else this series is about.

**Data-Sora:** …Have you been here this whole time?

**Mickey:** Yup!

**Goofy:** Then why didn’t you save us?!

**Mickey:** I don’t like you very much.

**Data-Sora:** Cool. So yeah, what just happened?

**Mickey:** People are at their strongest when they have something they want to protect. And the Keyblade comes from that strength of heart. A while back, Ansem the Wise told me that “A heart is so much more than any system.” The Keyblade we gave you before was just a bunch of ones and zeroes. I never expected it to function like an actual Keyblade, I just knew the design would work. It was so fake that Maleficent could destroy it really easily. But during your journey, you made friends with the power of friendship and friendly friendship friends. That created a power unique to you, and when you accessed it in your desperation to save Donald and Goofy, you got the real thing. Aren’t you special.

**Data-Sora:** Coooool…

**Mickey:** Indeed.

**Keyblade:** I am large.

**Mickey:** So, uh, yeah, the glitches seem to be gone now, I guess.

**Pete:** Well that’s not fair, getting a new weapon like that!

**Data-Sora:** Hey Pete, you know what else isn’t fair? Murdering people for the fuck of it.

**Pete:** Oh what do _you_ know. Fuck this, I’m out.

**Data-Sora:** No you’re not. *stands alongside Mickey, Donald, and Goofy* You forget we largely came here so we could get Riku back.

**Pete:** Well you're not gonna, piss off.

**Data-Sora:** How shall we piss off, O Lord — What’s that loud blaring and why is there a red light flashing?

**Hollow Bastion Keyhole:** You forget about me or something?

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Data recovery’s at sixty percent, even though you’re not even halfway through the game yet. You’re getting there, you’re getting there, though.

**Pete:** It’s funny because I can’t pronounce “Sayounara.” Disapparate!

**Data-Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey:** Ah, computer magic!

**Mickey:** Now what?

**Goofy:** We investigate this new random Keyhole and see what happens?

**Donald:** I’m down.

**Data-Sora:** Like I said before, I will sometimes insist on fighting boss battles on my own for absolutely no reason.

**Donald:** And this non-reason is?

**Data-Sora:** There’s no shame in asking for help or relying on your friends when you need to, and we’ve proven that we’re stronger as a team. But since I have a new Keyblade, I need to test how strong I really am. Plus I wanna brag to Riku that I managed to save him all on my own; he was my friend before either of us met any of you, after all.

**Donald:** That’s kind of selfish of you; why don’t you test your power later when less is riding on the line?

**Data-Sora:** Because fuck you, that’s why.

**Goofy:** We could very easily stop you, but we won’t for some reason.

**Mickey:** Yeah, I seriously could, considering I have a fucking Keyblade of my own. But when he’s hurt, we hurt too, so I won’t. Sora, you will always be one of us.

**Data-Sora:** WHY AM I GETTING FEELS FROM THIS. I’m just gonna go ahead now. I promise to come back relatively intact. *raises Keyblade and enters the Keyhole* Oh you are _not_ telling me that the boss for this level is fucking _Pete._

**Pete:** And if I am?

**Data-Sora:** Then you’re coming with me so we can torture Riku’s location out of you.

**Pete:** Or I could beat your ass.

**Data-Sora:** Or I could dodge all your punches.

**Pete:** Or I could body-slam your ass.

**Data-Sora:** Or I could dodge that as well, and then hit you so hard you see stars.

**Pete:** Ugh…The porn of your people has been made with honor… *falls on his ass*

**Data-Sora:** …Ew.

**Pete:** *shakes himself out of it* And now to reveal my cunning plan! *raises hand*

**Data-Riku:** *teleports in wearing Riku’s traditional evil outfit* …I don’t feel so good.

**Data-Sora:** Dude! *starts to run forward*

**Data-Riku:** I don’t think you should do that, I’m kind of being controlled here.

**Data-Sora:** The hell does that work?

**Pete:** He’s a friggin’ computer program, so we reprogrammed him. For some reason we didn’t change his personality, but it’s enough that we can now control his every move I guess. *grabs Data-Riku’s head* Just a couple of glitches did the trick. And now I am crushing his head.

**Data-Riku:** Could you not?

**Pete:** Fine, just kill the kid.

**Data-Riku:** You know what? Man? No. How 'bout no. I don't wanna, and you can't make me. Fuck this.

**Pete:** Welp, time to add more glitches, then! *summons a bunch of floating boxes that get forcibly absorbed by Data-Riku*

**Data-Riku:** This feels so invasive…

**Data-Sora:** Damn it, why does every game have to torture this guy so much?!

**Pete:** ‘Cause it’s fun watching others in pain, that’s why. Now that there’s no way you _won’t_ kill this guy, I’m gonna take for granted that nothing will go wrong and leave you two alone to sort out your problems like a shitty Bond villain. *walks off*

**Data-Sora:** *runs up to Data-Riku and puts his hands on his shoulders* Dude? You okay?

**Mickey’s voice:** What’s going on in there?

**Data-Sora:** I found Riku!

**Mickey’s voice:** Oh, hurrah!

**Data-Sora:** They added glitches to his system so they could control him!

**Mickey’s voice:** Hurroo. Riku! Can you hear me?

**Data-Riku:** *grunts, throws Sora off him, and summons Soul Eater*

**Data-Sora:** Come on! I know you’re in there somewhere!

**Data-Riku:** I totally am, I’m just focusing all my energy trying to break free so I can’t really talk right now.

**Data-Sora:** Oh, that’s good to know.

**Data-Riku:** And my realization is that I can’t, so you’ll have to beat the shit out of me. Maybe the pain will help, Iunno, but in any case I don’t want to hurt you, you’re my best friend. Oh shit, look out! *jumps behind Sora and slashes at him*

**Data-Sora:** *summons Keyblade and blocks, pushing Riku back* OKAY, LET’S FIGHT.

**Data-Riku:** …You didn’t have to be so quick about it…

**Data-Sora:** Aaaaand hopefully I didn’t hurt you too badly by knocking you out with a blow to the back of the head. Wait, that got me out of the Keyhole? That makes no sense — Riku!

**Data-Riku:** I’m unconscious and have several boxes shoved into various parts of my body.

**Data-Sora:** …Well at least none of ‘em are jammed in your crotch.

**Data-Riku:** Still hurt enough for me to not be conscious, though.

**Data-Sora:** And now I am the sad.

**Keyblade:** *lights up*

**Data-Sora:** Why does this thing randomly have a mind of its own?

**Keyblade:** *creates another Keyhole above Data-Riku’s comatose body*

**Data-Sora:** …That happened.

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** We are now running up the stairs!

**Jiminy:** I’m here too for some reason!

**Data-Sora:** Why.

**Donald:** Look, I know you told us to stay behind and that you had to do this on your own — which I still think was stupid, by the way — but we got bored.

**Data-Sora:** Fine. *points at Data-Riku and the Keyhole* Look, a thing happened. Do you think this new thing could reverse the other thing that happened?

**Mickey:** Well, he’ll be stuck in a coma forever if we don’t find out for sure.

**Data-Sora:** Let’s just stand here staring at his body while I clarify that I need to go inside the Keyhole, get rid of the glitches inside Riku’s system matrix or whatever the fuck, and hopefully he’ll be back to normal again.

**Goofy:** That does seem to be what we just finished talking about, yes.

**Donald:** Man, at the point I’m at with the believability of this plot, I fully expect like a velociraptor to jump out.

**Goofy:** That’s wearing a hat.

**Mickey:** How many times are we gonna use that joke.

**Donald and Goofy:** AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES!

**Data-Sora:** M’kay. I’m going to go inside him.

**Donald:** Ew, human sex. I ain’t watching this.

**Goofy:** You should wear a condom, just to be safe. We already know he’s got a virus, and who knows what else he might’ve picked up while he was with Maleficent.

**Data-Sora:** It’s not actually sex, morons. Also gross, shut up. And I know it’s risky, but I have to try. He’s my friend, and you don’t not help friends.

**Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy:** Well aren’t you sweet.

**Jiminy:** He really is just like the real thing, isn’t he.

**Donald:** I don’t know, I actually think this one’s nicer.

**Goofy:** We can help this time, right?

**Data-Sora:** I don’t see why not. *goes over to the Keyhole and raises his Keyblade*

**Mickey’s voice:** Sora, don’t forget, you’re not going in there alone even though all of the evidence is pointing towards you going in there alone. We’ll be with you in spirit, offering silent support while not actually lifting a finger.

**Data-Sora:** How can you do that without moving your mouth?

**Mickey:** Been practicing my ventriloquism.

**Data-Sora:** Weird. *looks back at them and smiles* I love you all. Except for you, Jiminy, I can’t fucking stand you. *disappears inside the Keyhole*

~Seriously, Mickey’s mouth wasn’t fucking moving, it was so bizarre.~


	7. Lemme Just Pull Some Magic Bullshit Outta My Sleeves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Finally Getting Rid Of Our Fifteen-Fucking-Year Old Desktop, Still Have Old Harry Potter Shit Saved On There, Shit's Weird:** Super Best Friends Play, _Firefly, Doctor Who, Naruto, Scrubs, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Sherlock,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Getting awfully crowded in my sky…~

**Data-Sora:** Once again, impossible space. I usually love it, yet here...yet here I am disturbed by its impossibleness. Do we all have pocket universes inside us, or…?

**Data-Riku:** *teleports in behind him* Hey.

**Data-Sora:** Hey. You feeling all right?

**Data-Riku:** Not really. Aside from the fact that you’re inside my molecular structure, I’m fighting the glitches off as best I can, but they’ll take me over soon. And then they’ll go after the entire Digital World, including you. But they’ll get to you even faster if you’re inside me, and I don’t want that to happen. You should get out of here while you still can. *summons a Rasengan* Here’s a thing that wasn’t supposed to be inside Jiminy’s journal. It’s the data everyone’s been looking for. With this, you can end the game at the half-way point and not suffer through another hour and a half of pointlessness.

**Data-Sora:** *takes the Rasengan and apparently absorbs it into himself* Did the person who added this also program you with the journal’s data?

**Data-Riku:** Bugger if I know, you go figure it out. You’re the one who got rid of all the bugs everywhere but in here, after all. If you do manage to figure it out, then the data will be completely restored to how it was. Also it’ll give the others a way back home.

**Data-Sora:** …And what about you?

**Data-Riku:** Self-destruct protocol. It’ll get rid of the glitches in one fell swoop. Everything will be all right again.

**Data-Sora:** I am not a fan of this.

**Data-Riku:** Tough. You better get out of here before I accidentally murder you.

**Data-Sora:** So you still have control now?

**Data-Riku:** Barely, and I don’t know for how much longer.

**Data-Sora:** So there’s just enough time to save you, then.

**Data-Riku:** DAMN IT, WOULD YOU STOP BEING SO FUCKING NOBLE FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS?!

**Data-Sora:** Nope!

**Data-Riku:** WHY ARE YOU SO SWEET.

**Data-Sora:** Because it’s guy love between two guys!

**Data-Riku:** D’aawww, I love you too!

**Data-Sora:** Now that we got the bromance firmly established as well as given the shippers even more fodder that they didn’t need, tell me how to save you.

**Data-Riku:** You gotta go deeper.

**Data-Sora:** Creepy.

**Data-Riku:** I apparently still have enough control to create portals deeper into my data that don’t let the glitches rise to the surface immediately. My memories are stored there. Go from world to world and destroy the glitches, and ignore how this is exactly like the first half of the game, it’s totally not, why would you say that. All right, well, you have fun with those bugs, Sora.

**Data-Sora:** I _am_ gonna have fun with these bugs.

**Data-Riku:** No you won’t.

**Data-Sora:** You’re right, I won’t. *runs down the hallway that just popped up and finds himself on the Destiny Islands surrounded by boxes with bug legs* Oh the joy of killing things. *takes them all out, at one point throwing the Keyblade so it kills three at once*

**Data-Riku:** *teleports in once he’s finished* Took you long enough.

**Data-Sora:** Oh fuck off.

**Data-Riku:** I can now hang out here whenever I want. *goes to his usual spot by that one palm tree and leans against it* It’s been a while since we hung out like this…Gotta admit, I don’t remember it being this cloudy.

**Data-Sora:** *is sitting on the same bent-over palm tree Data-Riku’s leaning against* Yeah, but I still like it. Hey, you left me that Keyhole in this world at the beginning of the game, didn’t you?

**Data-Riku:** Had to provide you with a tutorial somehow, didn’t I?

**Data-Sora:** You could’ve told me about the bosses inside them, though.

**Data-Riku:** And spoil the fun? I don’t think so. The Heartless had essentially teamed up with the glitches in an effort to destroy the Digital World. They were even going to invade the real world. Obviously I couldn’t let that happen, so when Mickey and the others started investigating the journals, I brought them inside it to help. I know they’re stuck here now and I feel pretty bad about that, but I really needed all the help I could get.

**Data-Sora:** You gave me the message explaining what the new message added to the journal meant. I could probably access it right now, but I’m just depressed that we haven’t figured it out yet.

**Data-Riku:** I’ve fucked this up, haven’t I?

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, but who cares as long as everyone gets back safely, this isn’t _that_ bad of an installment, at least for right now. Probably because it's just the two of us hanging out and none of those ass-clowns are in sight.

**Data-Riku:** Still arguably the worst in the series, though. We should get on with it so it can be over.

**Data-Sora:** I’m down with that—YAY TELEPORTING. Wait, why are there two doors in space now?

**Data-Riku:** ‘Cause one’s the next one to Traverse Town.

**Data-Sora:** Ah. I’ll just run down that hallway next, shall I? *goes there and defeats all the boxes*

**Data-Riku:** How annoyed are you getting with the repetition of everything?

**Data-Sora:** Oh, only a lot. Also why aren’t you helping me, you have a weapon.

**Data-Riku:** Some bullshit about not being able to do so while I hold the glitches back or some shit. So how much do I owe you for all this?

**Data-Sora:** More than you would believe.

**Data-Riku:** And now for a trip down memory lane for no reason. I remember trying to keep some kids safe in this town!

**Data-Sora:** Kids…kids…Huey, Dewey, and Louie?

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, I don’t know how they got hold of those pieces of the Keyhole, but they did. Thankfully you helped me look after them.

**Data-Sora:** And you couldn’t’ve told me who you were then because…?

**Data-Riku:** So we could have a bullshit reveal later even though everyone totally saw it coming. Also you started out as a pussy once again because these games are stupid, so I had to toughen you up by throwing giant-ass monsters at you. Otherwise, people would’ve been playing me this whole time and the game would’ve been vaguely better, and no one wants that, they want to play as the annoyingly cheerful main character rehashing everything they’ve already done several times over once more!

**Data-Sora:** …That’s the biggest pile of shit you’ve ever tried to feed me. People _love_ you, you have way more fangirls than I ever will! You’re the dark and brooding type who doesn’t stay emo all the damn time and is genuinely trying to become a better person to make up for past mistakes! Redemption arcs are awesome, man! Plus, even though there is a distinct possibility that I could be heterosexual, everyone be wantin’ to tap dat ass. Even Donald and Goofy—

**Data-Riku:** Stop right there, I do _not_ need to hear this.

**Data-Sora:** No, I’m back on the whole “rely on your friends” shtick this series is focused on. So…yeah. Do that.

**Data-Riku:** I still don't know...

**Data-Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Data-Riku:** Hmm...Okay!

**Data-Sora:** Seriously, I’m glad you actually asked for help for once, it makes a nice change. You never did before, even though we, your friends, would’ve totally helped out because we’re awesome like that and we find murdering things to be enjoyable.

**Data-Riku:** This is true, murdering things is fun. Thanks for helping with the murder.

**Data-Sora:** Any time, pal! Time to move on, right?

**Data-Riku:** Sure, just let me teleport us back to space so you can run down a space hallway again.

**Data-Sora:** Your innards are so fucking weird. *runs into Wonderland* I thought the silver ones were invincible, what the hell. Also why is everything grayscale right now. *defeats them all*

**Data-Riku:** *teleports in* Conglaturations, man! I didn’t think you had it in you. What with you being an incompetent sack of shit.

**Data-Sora:** Oh fuck off.

**Data-Riku:** I’m just so pissed that I let the glitches get this bad. Maybe if I had more time to go through everything to make sure it was actually functional instead of rushing everything for a deadline, I wouldn’t’ve had to have you patch everything this slowly and sometimes completely ineffectively.

**Data-Sora:** Stop making this a metaphor for the current gaming industry and answer me a thing: How many worlds have we been to, now?

**Data-Riku:** How many since you entered my data or how many in the Digital World up till now?

**Data-Sora:** Whichever.

**Data-Riku:** Including Destiny Islands?

**Data-Sora:** Sure.

**Data-Riku:** The islands, Traverse Town, Wonderland, Olympus, Agrabah, Hollow Bastion…Plus the Disney place too, probably…Seven, roughly?

**Data-Sora:** That’s six more than I would’ve thought possible, like, yesterday. Remember when we used to dream about building the raft and getting off the island? We basically did that without even needing the raft at all! *actual dialogue* We’ve got the whole universe inside; there are worlds inside us. Which I guess is why your mind palace looks like space. And that is a pretty fucking sick-ass mind palace, dude.

**Data-Riku:** Thanks, I worked hard on it.

**Data-Sora:** And no matter what, you’re always the same guy in each of the worlds aside from the times where you turned evil. At least you’re not in any danger of that happening again, am I right? ‘Cause we already covered that ground several times now, it might be time to stop.

**Data-Riku:** Hopefully, right?

**Data-Sora:** So how smart did I sound just now, be honest.

**Data-Riku:** Okay, I’ll be honest: You’re still short.

**Data-Sora:** Hey, how ‘bout you fuck off the edge of my dick.

**Data-Riku:** Dine on a dong. Oh, I should tell you a thing.

**Data-Sora:** Tell me the thing.

**Data-Riku:** After we’re done here.

**Data-Sora:** Damn it. Well, see you in five seconds when we teleport back into space.

**Data-Riku:** Hey look we’re in space.

**Data-Sora:** Good for us. *runs down the next hallway where he’s deposited in front of the Cave of Wonders where the entire sky is filled up with red glitches and he’s stuck fighting three silver ones* Why do they keep respawning, that’s not cool. *eventually kills them all while the screen faded to black I guess* Yay cleared this one out. Except for the sky, not too sure what to do about that.

**Data-Riku:** *teleports in* Apparently you don’t have to do anything about the sky, it’s just an asthetic.

**Data-Sora:** Well that’s misleading.

**Data-Riku:** Yes it is. Hey, remember that time I saved your ass?

**Data-Sora:** I try not to.

**Data-Riku:** Mickey was just being psychic, I guess.

**Data-Sora:** That’s when I lost the fake Keyblade and eventually gained a real one. It’s almost like everything will work out for the best in the end.

**Data-Riku:** You are…unbearably naïve.

**Data-Sora:** Well, I _was_ born yesterday.

**Data-Riku:** This is true. Come on, back to space.

**Data-Sora:** Dude, we're supposed to feel emotion about the miracle of life right now.

**Data-Riku:** No. And I guess you don’t even have to check out Olympus or Hollow Bastion. Just go right into the innermost workings of my matrix and fight shit in an actual original area for once.

**Data-Sora:** An original area? In _Coded?!_

**Data-Riku:** I’m shocked my own self. But within is what we wish would be the final boss and yet somehow isn’t. No one knows what it looks like or why it’s in here.

**Data-Sora:** So this _should_ be the end of the game now?

**Data-Riku:** Aside from the fact that we still have over an hour left of footage, yes.

**Data-Sora:** I’m starting to get annoyed with this game again.

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, but at least our talks are semi-enjoyable for friendly friendship reasons of friendliness if nothing else.

**Data-Sora:** These do tend to give one the warm fuzzies, don’t they. Plus were this a video game, I feel like I’ve leveled up a lot going through this area of the game. I can now solve complex equations!

**Data-Riku:** You mean like two plus two?

**Data-Sora:** Hey man, one step at a time. So…thanks for the EXP, I guess?

**Data-Riku:** Whatever rationalization makes this more tolerable for you.

**Data-Sora:** Seriously. Still, you’ve been with me from the start of everything, even when I got my first fake Keyblade, and I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked you for looking out for me all that time.

**Data-Riku:** Would you quit being so sappy all the…Wait, what’re we talking about? I first saw you on the island.

**Data-Sora:** …But I saw someone in a black coat before then. You sure it wasn’t you?

**Data-Riku:** A not-yet-adult-sized male in a black Organization coat, that’s not me. I WONDER WHO IT COULD ME.

**Data-Sora:** I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW.

**Data-Riku:** Never mind that important plot revelaiton now, just go do the thing. Alone this time, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to pop in after you’re done. Just remember, no matter what you have to fight in there, murder it with extreme prejudice.

**Data-Sora:** …What, will it be an image of Kairi or something?

**Data-Riku:** No, I don’t think it’ll come to that. Still, though.

**Data-Sora:** Fair enough. *runs down the hallway and finds himself in a dark area where he sees Evil Outfit Riku* …Didn’t I just talk to you?

**Evil Outfit Riku:** The sky’s made up of red and black glitches again, though more black than red this time. And the floor looks like it’s made out of silver ones or something.

**Data-Sora:** That it does. Wait, you’re not the real not-real Riku, are you? Did the glitches just assume his form so I’d feel conflicted or some shit?

**Evil Outfit Riku:** Basically.

**Data-Sora:** And yet somehow I don’t have a problem. Whoa, the wall behind me looks so cool. But first I must focus on the murder, then I can admire the wallpaper. *runs up and slashes at Evil Outfit Riku, who jumps and avoids the attack, landing behind Data-Sora and attacking him* You know, I prefer it when it’s not an I Know You’re In There Somewhere fight and I can just murder you the old-fashioned way. *goes toe to toe with Evil Outfit Riku for a bit before finally slashing through him and finishing him off*

**Evil Outfit Riku:** *disappears*

**Data-Sora:** … I did the mysterious thing that I didn’t know what I did. And now to get out of this dump.

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Gathering data…Gathering data…Data recovery: 90%. So really you’d expect me to be the final boss considering we’ve actually been building up to this. Even though you _still have over an hour left of the movie to watch._ Meh, at least the conditions have been met. Should’ve probably waited until I was entirely completed but who gives a shit, we can still ship it as is, I’m sure no one will complain that I’m completely unfinished.

**Data-Sora:** *teleports into space again* Did you hear that totally topical commentary just now?

**Data-Riku:** Yep, and I hate that it’s still applicable. So…Did that glitch use my form and abilities to try and murder you?

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, but I murdered it first. Wasn’t hard. Wait, how’d you even know what it would look like?

**Data-Riku:** Checked a walkthrough on YouTube.

**Data-Sora:** Ah.

**Data-Riku:** Also it was kind of obvious; I still have darkness inside of me, after all, and it tried to use that to its advantage. Unfortunately for it, it was facing you, and you haven’t lost against the darkness yet. I’ve been kind of jealous of you and your ability to easily make friends.

**Data-Sora:** _Me and Kairi. King Mickey._ And also all my friends would totally be your friends as well.

**Mickey’s voice:** What he said.

**Donald’s voice:** Make sure you commit lots of murder and arson in my place, okay?

**Data-Sora:** Already did!

**Donald:** Awesome!

**Goofy:** Just shout if ya need us! We’re all itching to watch things bleed as well! A-hyuk!

**Data-Riku:** …So I’m stuck with Donald as well, then, huh.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, sorry about that. Goofy’s not too bad though.

**Data-Riku:** Of course not, I’ll take anyone who’s smarter than you!

**Data-Sora:** Well that’s good to — H-Hey!

**Data-Riku:** *cackles*

**Data-Sora:** C’mon, let’s get out of here!

**Data-Riku:** After the sudden earthquake _in my brain_ calms down…

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, what the balls was that?!

**Data-Riku:** Fucked if I know. You get out of here, before you’re stuck forever.

**Data-Sora:** This time I’m not even going to protest you not coming with me, because I’m such a caring friend!

**Data-Riku:** Asshat. *creates a pretty stain-glass wall with a blue and purple rose motif with a hole in it that they could go through* Don’t question my mind palace, just trust that it’ll work. Also I’ll apparently be joining you shortly maybe.

**Data-Sora:** You’d better. *goes through the stain glass wall and ends up in the digital version of Hollow Bastion again*

**Goofy:** You appear to have returned.

**Donald:** Yeah that’s great, where’s the other guy.

**Mickey:** I am curious to that as well. At least you’re still in one piece.

**Data-Sora:** Indeed. And boy would you guys never believe what I saw when I was inside Riku!

**Mickey:** You mean about his mind palace being in outer space? Yeah, we apparently saw everything. Somehow. Even though there’s no monitor anywhere in here.

**Data-Sora:** Good, I don’t have to rehash shit again. OH RIGHT THE REASON I DID SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE WHERE’S RIKU.

**Data-Riku:** I went down the stairs briefly for some reason.

**Data-Sora:** You and your dramatic reveals.

**Data-Riku:** DUDE WE DID THE THING.

**Data-Sora:** THAT SURE WAS A THING WE DID.

**Data-Riku:** Aaaaaand we should probably get a move on now. *points his finger and a shiny portal appears* That’s the way back to the real world. You probably fucking leave.

**Mickey:** Time to piss off now, huh. We will never be able to go back into the Digital World again once we leave.

**Jiminy:** It’s not every day you get to explore your own diary. You know, besides rereading it and using your fucking imagination/memory.

**Data-Sora:** Who says you can never come back?

**Goofy:** Good point! Maybe we can bring Real Sora to meet Data-Sora! And the other Riku as well! Hell, maybe even my son can come along!

**Donald:** That sounds like fun, I’d like to see him in one of these games.

**Data-Riku:** Um, that thing I was gonna tell Sora…Nah, I’ll tell you once you’re back out.

**Mickey:** Sounds fair, I’m sure it’s not all that important despite the dramatic camera angles hyping up its importance. BYE GUYS!

**Data-Sora:** Later!

**Data-Riku:** Bye now!

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** *go back through the portal and appear back in their original places staring at the monitor*

**Mickey:** …Are we actually back this time?

**Dale:** You sure are!

**Chip:** And we’re proof, since we were never sucked in!

**Donald:** Hang on, it’s taking a few seconds for the reality to sink in that we’re back in reality.

**Goofy:** Time’s up! YAY WE’RE BACK.

**Jiminy:** We are now back in the castle that I have no real place at! HUZZAH!

**Everyone:** *makes various shouting and cheering noises of excitement for they are excite*

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Yo! Anyone there? Did you make it back?

**Mickey:** We sure did! Thanks so much, you have no idea how long I was holding in my urine!

**Data-Riku:** And that is definitely some information I could have done without. *is standing with Data-Sora in front of the place where Hollow Bastion’s Keyhole would usually reside in the first game* So it looks like me and Sora are done.

**Data-Sora:** *scratches nose* Yep.

**Donald:** …What’re you talking about?

**Data-Riku:** Ignoring the hour and twelve minutes roughly left of the movie, the game’s basically over now except that it’s not. The journal’s gonna go back to normal now, with apparently all the old information from the first game printed in it I guess maybe. Mind clarifying, Jiminy?

**Jiminy:** Yep, first game info, should all be in there now that there aren’t any more glitches.

**Goofy:** I’m so confused. This face is my confused face.

**Data-Riku:** Exactly. The journal will be completely filled in again. And any extraneous details won’t be in there anymore. *watches Data-Sora walk up to stand beside him, smiling* Therefore, for us at least, it’ll be like the game never happened.

**Goofy:** You’re gonna forget the entire game?! All the friendship speeches we made together? Even this very conversation we’re having right now?

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Well yeah, we’re just computer programs, remember? We’re gotten rid of and updated as soon as we’re not needed anymore. Never mind the fact that one of us gained the ability to wield a Keyblade indicating that we might be more than that but this is a children's game, why involve the ethics of arbitrarily creating and then subsequently destroying a new form of life just to get some random information.

**Goofy:** Awww, I’m sad now. *slumps*

**Mickey and Donald:** Us too. *also slump*

**Data-Sora’s voice:** You guys’re still there, right?

**Mickey’s voice:** Yeah, what up?

**Data-Sora:** *puts his hands behind his head* Riku explained everything to me while you guys were re-acclimating. And guess what? We were kind of annoyed with this game to begin with. Neither of us think it was all that necessary except maybe to vaguely showcase where Pluto went off to in the first game and to set up the end of this game, which is just more of a set-up for actually plot-relevant installments anyway. It really didn’t need to be as long as it was and most of it was just annoying and repetitious filler. We’ve agreed that we’re both better off not remembering it anyway.

**Donald:** But we were involved in it so much this time, though…

**Data-Sora and Data-Riku:** Which is part of the problem.

**Jiminy:** But you put so much effort into all of this! Just pretending none of it ever happened is just insulting!

**Data-Sora:** Oh, you mean like my half of Chain of Memories? I’m used to this kind of bullshit by now, which is why I’m even more okay with not giving a shit this time. Also we’ll still exist inside the Digital World. Our adventure may not be in the journal anymore, but you’ll always find us tucked away on a couple of Kingdom Hearts HD Remix Collections where no one will watch us apart from the fact that it’s the longest three hours anyone will spend trying to get an easy Platinum.

**Goofy:** This is true…

**Data-Sora:** Welp, time for us to piss off. Good riddance to bad rubbish. At least our real selves are the only ones who have to deal with them now, amirite?

**Red light on the computer:** *starts beeping and flashing*

**Jiminy:** Oh what the fuck now.

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:**  
Data recovery 100%.  
Data assembly complete.

Glitch found in darkness.  
Awakening dark glitch.  
Delete Digital World YES/NO?

Y

YE

YEA

YEAH

YEAH S

YEAH SU

YEAH SUR

YEAH SURE

YEAH SURE

YEAH SURE W

YEAH SURE WH

YEAH SURE WHY

YEAH SURE WHY N

YEAH SURE WHY NO

YEAH SURE WHY NOT

~…Oh dear.~


	8. Curse You, Jiminy! This Is Somehow All Your Fault!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **My Boycott Stances Are Weird, Like, I'm Probably Never Gonna Watch Nostalgia Critic Again But I'm Still Going To See Fantastic Beasts 2 When It Comes Out, What's Wrong With Me Besides Everything:** Super Best Friends Play, _Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Firefly, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Honestly, if the game had ended last chapter, I don’t think I would’ve had as big of a problem. That was just giving us false hope.~

**Data-Sora and Data-Riku:** …What the fuck just happened and why is there an earthquake.

**Data-Riku:** This isn’t good. It looks like we didn’t finish the game after all; there’s an even stronger boss we still have to fight!

**Goofy’s voice:** How can there be any more glitches? I thought we got rid of ‘em all!

**Data-Riku:** So did I, and I’m usually pretty good about this kind of crap.

**Donald:** Now to solve the huge problem of what the fuck now.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** That message said it was gonna delete the Digital World. I don’t want that to happen! I wanna live! With amnesia but still! You gotta put an artificial lock on this shit!

**Mickey:** But then we’ll lose the journal! Oh, and you and Sora.

**Jiminy:** Oh come on, what’re we waiting for? Maleficent and Pete are still in the journal as well! If we lock the Digital World, we’ll get rid of them for good!

**Mickey:** No. I don’t know about Pete, but Maleficent’s too awesome a villain to die in a shitty game like this. And if we save her Pete’s probably gonna follow along anyway, so we might as well find a way to save both of them.

**Data-Riku’s voice:** Damn it, we have to lock the data! Both our world and your universe are at stake here! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few! You have to make a choice here!

**Data-Sora:** Hang on, I’ll just fight my way through this as usual, it won’t be a problem. *starts to run off*

**Data-Riku:** Wait, Sora! You might not be able to this time even though you’ll totally be able to this time! *runs after him and manages to stop him* Dude, stop, think it through for once!

**Data-Sora:** No way, I’m the impulsive idiot hero who solves everything through violence, remember? You heard what Mickey said! I have to find Maleficent and possibly accidentally save Pete in the process! Though I _did_ once meet Pete when he used to be cool, maybe there’s a chance he could be again…

**Data-Riku:** But you don’t even know where they are!

**Data-Sora:** Do _you_ know where they are?

**Data-Riku:** What do I look like, a fucking _Point Me_ spell?!

**Data-Sora:** 'Course not, that only points north, but you know everything else there is to know in this fucking place!

**Data-Riku:** Not this I don’t!

**Data-Sora:** Fine, whatever, I’ll do it the hard way and just fucking search for them!

**Data-Riku:** Dude, for once in your life would you be a little selfish! You’ll forget this ever happened anyway, and if you don’t choose to forget, _you will fucking die._ As will I, if you’re not gonna think about yourself at least think about your best friend!

**Data-Sora:** I _am_ being selfish. I know, right here and now, that I would hate myself forever if I didn’t at least try to help. There’s no such thing as altruism, it’s all about not making yourself feel bad later. You understand, don’t you?

**Data-Riku:** What’re you talking about?

**Data-Sora:** Instead of asking for help, you insist I save myself while you try the noble sacrifice shtick. It’s because if something happened to me, you’d hate yourself forever, isn’t it?

**Data-Riku:** …This is true…

**Data-Sora:** There you go. I’d hate myself forever if I don’t at least try, you know? *leaves Hollow Bastion*

**Data-Riku:** …Idiot.

~The Digital World without the worlds is kind of blue-green-ish with lots of square and rigid designs on it in similar coloring, it looks pretty cool AND ORIGINAL FOR THIS GAME.~

**Pete:** …Maleficent, hate to say it, but I think we might be losing.

**Maleficent:** Meh. It may be Darkside again, but at least it has a lot of multicolored digital designs on it. That means it’s original, right?

**Data-Sora:** *teleports in and runs to stand next to Pete and Maleficent* I fought this guy, like, fifty billion times by now, but he never had any cool tats like that before, this is new-ish even if it’s still the same fucking guy. But at least this time I thought it was fucking _it,_ why’s it back for a rematch? Oh, also you two should probably leave.

**Maleficent:** Hmm, let me think about no.

**Pete:** …I actually think the kid’s on the right track this time.

**Maleficent:** Pussy. We totally got this—

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** *throws a ball of white light at them while its tats turn green with power*

**Maleficent:** …Shit.

**Data-Sora:** Wait, where’d those two go?

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Rawr.

**Data-Sora:** …You leveled up too, didn’t you.

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** I feed off all of the rage caused by extremely buggy games that are shipped that way to meet deadlines and have to get immediately patched on day one to even be playable. I thrive off of the hatred caused by games being without even a basic ending unless you purchase a DLC, which will be featured on a cheaper rerelease of the same game that gets put out six months later so you just wasted so much fucking money. I _flourish_ from the completely justified loathing of microtransactions that turn every so-called free-to-play game into a pay-to-win clusterfuck.

**Data-Sora:** I thought we weren’t doing this kind of commentary anymore!

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, this guy leveled up as well. Also what are you even talking about, the coming-never-because-the-game-will-never-be-fucking-finished UX parody will be nothing _but_ complaints about microtransactions and only occasional mockeries about the game itself!

**Data-Sora:** Oh hey, Riku! Helping spiritually from the sidelines again, are we?

**Data-Riku:** That’s what I’m here for! And I just figured out something kind of relevant that makes this game almost worth sitting through except not really.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah? What’s that?

**Data-Riku:** …That thing’s your Heartless.

**Data-Sora:** …But I was a little babby Shadow, and Kairi brought me back with the power of hugs before Donald could destroy me.

**Data-Riku:** Sure, but then Jiminy made the mistake of writing about it in the journal.

**Data-Sora:** …So all this happened because Jiminy, the guy who did _not_ need to come along and never contributed anything, kept a diary.

**Data-Riku:** YYUUUP!

**Data-Sora:** Great, even more motivation to murder him later. _But I was still just a Shadow, though._

**Data-Riku:** One who must’ve evolved into a Neoshadow, then a Darkside, and this techno-thing must be its mega form!

**Data-Sora:** What an ugly piece of shit though on his butt though. His butt is gross.

**Data-Riku:** I always thought it was weird that even though you got your memories back at the end of CoM, the journal remained blank as you went into KHII.

**Data-Sora:** You think my Heartless is responsible for that? _How._

**Data-Riku:** Listen, when it comes to this game, you can’t have a suspension of disbelief. You have to not even have a concept of what disbelief even means. Jiminy wrote about _you,_ and you alone.

**Data-Sora:** Then why did his journal take your form instead of mine.

**Data-Riku:** Because fangirls.

**Data-Sora:** Ah.

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, and unfortunately, if you never saved the world, Jiminy would’ve never written about any of this.

**Data-Sora:** I seriously could’ve still done it without his help. Actually, no, it’s all Minnie’s fault for asking him to go with us, isn’t it!

**Data-Riku:** Reiterating that Mega-Darkside is probably at the maximum level by now or something…

**Data-Sora:** Is _this_ the final boss?

**Data-Riku:** Again, this game would’ve been so much better had that been the case, but we’re not even at the two-hour mark yet.

**Data-Sora:** WHAT THE SHIT. Also since we restored all the data everywhere else there’s a chance it has a status effect on it at least, right? It’s still doable, yeah?

**Data-Riku:** …I don’t think it is. See, normally defeating a Heartless causes its heart to be released.

**Data-Sora:** Oh good, we didn’t get a chance this parody to talk about what a huge misnomer that shit is—

**Data-Riku:** They already know, shut up. The thing is, the heart’s supposed to return to the person who lost it in the first place. Assuming they didn’t have a Nobody and/or assuming said Nobody’s been defeated. But not only did you absorb Roxas into you and didn’t even really lose your heart to begin with so there’s nowhere for your not-heart to return to, we’re in the Digital World, there aren’t any real hearts here. Hearts can’t be turned into data, even though we’ve been talking about how we have hearts even though we’re just data shut up just go with it. INSTEAD LET’S GO WITH BRAIN POWER BECAUSE COMPUTERS REQUIRE EFFORT TO LEARN ABOUT SO YOU CAN USE THEM.

**Data-Sora:** …I’ve been killing Heartless all game. Where have all the brains gone? A question I never thought I’d ask?

**Data-Riku:** Eaten by this guy. So remind me never to come here in case there’s a zombie apocalypse.

**Data-Sora:** Oh good, I thought we were missing something. Cannibalism makes everything better!

**Data-Riku:** I’m not the biggest fan of cannibals.

**Data-Sora:** Eh…They’re a fan of you!

**Data-Riku:** …Sure is nice of this guy to just stand there and wait while I exposit to you.

**Data-Sora:** Indeed…Oh shit, I _have_ to defeat this guy here; if it got into Mickey’s world, it would kill those guys before they had a chance to call in the real us who were at level ninety-nine when last we saw them! I’ll stop them here, entirely offscreen and completely anti-climactically for those who’re watching the movie version! *does so*

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, kill it with the power of burning rage and such!

**Data-Sora:** The power of burning rage and such?

**Data-Riku:** Yeah, that-that’s what I said.

**Data-Sora:** Uh-huh…Okay, did I do it?

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Apparently not, ‘cause now I’m talking about how I’m going to eat actual hearts. Also THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

**Data-Sora:** But you’re a Mega type!

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Yeah but now I’m basically gonna turn into Anti-You for round two. *runs forward to strike Data-Sora*

**Data-Sora:** Could you not? *blocks shadow Keyblade with his own Keyblade* Why do you have all my moves. *strikes it down when it jumps over him*

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** And now I’m back to normal and have vaguely collapsed over on the other side of the stage apparently.

**Data-Sora:** WOULD YOU JUST DIE ALREADY. *tries to hit it*

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Also? I can kill you with my brain. *pushes Data-Sora back with its brain*

**Keyblade:** Time for me to flake on you!

**Data-Sora:** NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO FLAKE ON ME why am I sleepy. *falls to his hands and knees*

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** The power…The absolute POWAH! THE UNIVERSE IS MINE TO COMMAND! _TO CONTROOOOOL!_ Aaaaand now you die. *summons another energy ball to kill Data-Sora*

**Screen:** *fades to white*

**Mickey’s voice:** Do I have to do _everything_ around here?!

**Data-Sora:** Whoa, you actually showed up! Um, why and how.

**Mickey:** Friendship and bullshit deus ex machina. Also equally bullshit always look inside to find the light or some such garbage. *raises his own shining Keyblade* …So ya gonna help or what?

**Data-Sora:** All right, don’t nag. *stands up and summons his Keyblade again*

**Mickey:** So next time try this. No trouble at all, just murder. *points his Keyblade at Mega-Techno-Darkside where a continuous jet of light shoots from it into Darkside’s chest*

**Mega-Techno-Darkside:** Well this is annoying. *summons single Shadow which Data-Sora promptly murders* …I GUESS THAT’S ALL IT FUCKING TOOK TO KILL ME. WHAT THE FUCK’S UP WITH THAT SHIT. *dissolves into data*

**Data-Sora:** …There’s no way it could’ve been that fucking easy.

**Mickey:** Well maybe if you sucked less—

**Data-Sora:** I present to you the edge of my dick. Please fuck off from it.

**Mickey:** Shut up, we’re teleporting back to Hollow Bastion now.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay. Yo, Pete, Maleficent, I really like how you used child's pain to profit!

**Mickey:** Question: how come you’re not trying to possess Data-Riku again? I mean, he’s right here.

**Data-Riku:** Possibly ‘cause I saved their asses?

**Maleficent:** Fuck you, we were handling it. *sashays off like a boss*

**Pete:** Why am I considered a credible villain of this franchise. *follows Maleficent*

**Data-Riku:** Don’t worry, I’ll keep them in line. *follows them*

**Pete:** …Why’re you following us without backup when we can kill you or possess you at any time. We’re _villains,_ that’s what we do, why isn’t Maleficent just murdering everything in sight, our behavior right now makes absolutely no sense. *leaves*

**Data-Sora:** *has his arms behind his head again* Aww, the pretty music’s playing again, I love pretty music.

**Mickey:** It’s because we’ve officially hit the two-hour mark of the movie even though it very much like feels like the very end. Let’s keep building false hope that this’ll be over soon, shall we?

**Data-Sora:** Sure, I’m game. To the point where I’m confused about what sadness is because _you are leaving._

**Mickey:** Heh, going through this made me flashback super hard about all the times that _I_ got to be badass and awesome that no one ever got to play. THE JOURNAL ISN’T JUST ANY OLD JOURNAL, IT’S A COLLECTION OF FEELINGS AND FRIENDSHIPS. AND IS ALSO A PARALLEL DIMENSION INTO A DIGITAL WORLD FOR SOME REASON. THIS GAME MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. But we’re still gonna tell the other Sora and Riku about all this so they can also not give too much of a shit.

**Data-Sora:** You do that. And also _leave._

**Mickey:** When there’s darkness all around, all ya have to do is stick your head up your own ass and search for a light source!

**Data-Sora:** …This entire _franchise_ makes no fucking sense.

~…What’s with this blue and pink portal thing Maleficent and Pete are walking down?~

**Maleficent:** I’m still talking about the “date escape” as if that’s a real thing.

**Pete:** What’re you rambling about now?

**Maleficent:** There was a Book of Prophecies once—

**Pete:** No. We are not doing this destiny bullshit.

**Maleficent:** Yes we are because we have to begin promoting the mobile game.

**Pete:** You fucking shill. I’m proud of you.

**Maleficent:** And for some reason I have to explain to the dumbass audience what _telling the fucking future_ is supposed to be like.

**Pete:** I don’t care. Fuck that. Fuck that to death. Fuck that to fucking death.

**Maleficent:** But it could help us to take over everything.

**Pete:** Which we do because we _choose_ to, not because of some predestined fucking garbage.

**Maleficent:** Dude, _it can create an entire PLANET that doesn’t exist yet._ Apparently. If I'm correctly interpreting what was released at the time of this chapter's posting, I think that's how Radiant Garden came into existence.

**Pete:** …Okay that’s pretty cool. And also COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID.

**Maleficent:** So are most fairy tales, and yet here we are.

**Pete:** Kablams!

**Maleficent:** And hey, they were able to create an entire digital world from a book, right? Maybe there’s a connection between that journal and the book I was talking about. If you can hop interdimensionally across Disney movies, then why not books?

**Pete:** Finally, you’re talkin’ some amount of sense!

**Maleficent:** But first, we’re still gonna work on taking over this world. And never be seen again within this game except as holograms and maybe in the credits.

**Pete:** Works for me!

~…It kinda looked like they were walking into a blue anus…~

**Mickey:** *holds out his hand* Wait, why is everything glowing white now?

**Data-Sora:** No idea. *kneels down to better shake Mickey’s hand*

**Mickey:** *lets go first* Okay, I’m out. *leaves through the portal that’s somehow shinier than the background if that’s possible*

**Data-Sora:** Cool, later. *gets back up, summons Keyblade, and locks the portal*

**Donald:** The music got really soft and pretty all of a sudden, I love Dearly Beloved renditions—YAY THE KING’S BACK!

**Goofy:** How ya been, Your Majesty?

**Mickey:** Eh, you know, can’t complain.

**Chip and Dale:** We’re happy to see you, too!

**Jiminy:** It really does look like everything’s coming to a close, doesn’t it? Aw man, I love the feel of escape!

**Mickey:** You shut the fuck up, this was all your fault.

**Jiminy:** It was one mistake!

**Mickey:** It was a big mistake.

**Goofy:** It was one huge-ass mistake.

**Donald:** It was like a baby.

**Mickey:** Oh, guys, look at the monitor!

**Chibi-Data-Sora:** I WROTE AN ADORABLE THANK YOU MESSAGE!

**Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Chip, Dale, and Jiminy:** D’AAAAAAWWWW!

**Donald:** Finally, the game’s over! *slumps on the desk*

**Goofy:** …

**Donald:** Don’t.

**Goofy:** …

**Donald:** Don’t say it.

**Goofy:** …You know…

**Donald:** I’ll rip your spleen out through your throat.

**Goofy:** We never actually accomplished the thing we set out to do! We still have to find out what the mysterious messages in the journal mean!

**Donald:** *rips Goofy’s spleen out through his throat*

**Data-Riku:** *appears on the monitor* Guys, big news…What happened to Goofy?

**Mickey:** Don’t worry about it, he’ll be up in a minute.

**Goofy:** *is completely out of it* Putting your cigarettes out on things that aren't ash trays? Horrible. It's not even stylish like putting it out on your kids or something.

**Donald:** No one cares, go on, Riku.

**Data-Riku:** …Okay…Anyway, a new world just popped up inside the journal. Okay, now you may scoff and punch me over this…

**Donald:** I’m gonna scoff. I may punch you.

**Data-Riku:** The shit Jiminy added during Chain of Memories is now being tacked on at the end of the journal.

**Goofy:** What does that mean?

**Data-Riku:** It means the game’s gonna keep going for another hour or so. Also we have to recap Chain of Memories while we’ve still got time, because _everyone_ wants to be reminded of that shit.

**Mickey:** Will we at least finally achieve our primary goal?

**Data-Riku:** Probably. *shows an image of the entry to the journal*

**Mickey:** Then we can just ask Sora to do everything for us again, even though I can go in whenever I like and—

**Donald:** Dude, too soon.

**Goofy:** He’s got amnesia right now, remember?

**Jiminy:** …But Riku doesn’t yet, and he was supposed to as well. Why just Sora?

**Data-Riku:** BECAUSE OF REASONS. TOILET PAPER. Also we can’t send a kid with amnesia into untold amounts of danger!

**Donald and Goofy:** Sure we can!

**Data-Riku:** Shouldn’t, whatever.

**Mickey:** I WANNA GO INTO THE DIGITAL WORLD AGAIN.

**Data-Riku:** …Why…?

**Mickey:** Just fade to black while I explain!

~I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WHY AREN’T WE DONE.~


	9. I Thought My Soul Was Dead, And Yet It Still Manages To Be Killed Even More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **OKAY THE BAD PERSONAL THING THAT WAS HAPPENING IS OVER I CAN GET BACK TO ENJOYING LIFE NOW:** Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Doctor Who, The Princess Bride, Dark Dreams Don't Die, Game of Thrones,_ Pokémon ‘Bridged, A Very Potter Sequel, Nullmetal Alchemist, _The Hobbit,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Book of Mormon,_ Me and my Dick, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh good, I can copy and paste shit again.~

**Data-Sora:** *is sitting, unconscious, behind a bunch of boxes…How did he get there so fast when his planet _just_ exploded?*

**Pluto:** *uses LICK! It’s not very effective…*

**Data-Sora:** …All right…My testicles are now filled to the brim with poison, but I gotta make it up this mountain…Zzzzz…

**Pluto:** *uses STOMP! It’s super-effective!*

**Data-Sora:** OW MY RIBS! THAT’S HIGHLY INJUROUS! And you appear to be a dog.

**Pluto:** *is a dog*

**Data-Sora:** Hang on, lemme get up—HEY!

**Pluto:** *runs off*

**Data-Sora:** Damn it… *starts to run after him but is distracted by suddenly being in Traverse Town* …What the fuck just happened.

**Mickey:** I am here posing like a badass, that’s what happened. Also HI SORA!

**Data-Sora:** …Who’re you and how do you know my name.

**Mickey:** You’ve got amnesia and I’m trying to help you save the world.

**Data-Sora:** You’re a giant walking talking mouse who wears human clothes, why should I believe anything you say.

**Mickey:** The name’s Mickey, and I’m basically an alien from another planet.

**Data-Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Mickey:** “Their hurting will be mended when you return to end it.” We’ve been trying to solve the mystery behind this message for the entire game, but we got side tracked along the way, but you were always the only one who could figure it out.

**Data-Sora:** …But I’m an idiot.

**Mickey:** I know, it’s a weird system. Also check out your sick weapon.

**Keyblade:** *appears in Sora’s hand* Am I the real thing this time or just another copy?

**Mickey:** I… _think_ the real thing?

**Data-Sora:** Why am I holding a giant teleporting key.

**Mickey:** JUST HELP US ALREADY. Um, please.

**Data-Sora:** …If it weren’t for this weird sense of déjà vu, I’d strike you down where you stand, you know that, right? Also does this message you’re trying to figure out have anything to do with me, and is that why you need me?

**Mickey:** It sure is possible. You’re the main character of a major gaming franchise, after all.

**Data-Sora:** I dunno…

**Mickey:** Look, guy. We found this big fucking thing that will end the game. You think we should go through with it?

**Data-Sora:** Well when you put it like that, how can I refuse?

**Mickey:** Damn you’re trusting, hope that doesn’t come back to bite you someday. Follow me, then, I guess! *raises his Keyblade*

**Data-Sora:** Why is your Keyblade stylized?

**Mickey:** ‘Cause I attached a Keychain called Star Seeker to it. I think you managed to get some in the game version, but this is the movie we’re in right now so it’ll always be the Kingdom Key for you. *creates a Keyhole* Unlock that for me, will ya?

**Data-Sora:** Okay… *shoots a beam of light at the Keyhole with his Keyblade and teleports* Oh great. Castle Oblivion again. Better not have to play any card games—I MEAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. Also I better not be all the way back at level one or something. Hey, Mickey, do you really think the answer you’re looking for is in this white place…Mickey? Where’d you go? You did _NOT_ just ditch me, you piece of shit! *shakes head* Fuck it, since I’m here… *starts to walk forward*

**Black-cloaked figure:** *appears in front of him*

**Data-Sora:** …And you are?

**Cloaked figure:** Nobody. Geddit? Do ya geddit?

**Data-Sora:** I wanna say Larry.

**Cloaked figure:** …No.

**Player/Viewer:** HMM, I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE.

**Cloaked figure:** Also we’re really having to rehash everything in CoM for some reason, down to finding being losing and losing being finding. YAY MORE CASTLE OBLIVION SHENANIGANS.

**Data-Sora:** I’VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE!

**Cloaked figure:** Yes you have. Hang on, I have to look up Marluxia’s spiel, give me a second…“Here you will meet people in uninspired level redesigns shoved in solely for leveling and to occasionally weakly philosophize on the meaning and context of memory. In addition to the levels, there’ll also be characters that inhabit them for you to forget about once again the minute you leave the area, making it even more of a waste of time. Also you may or may not encounter actual people inhabiting the castle.”

**Data-Sora:** …You are taller than me.

**Cloaked figure:** And yet I’m only like a year or so older. Ain’t that a bitch. *hands him the Destiny Islands card*

**Data-Sora:** …Are we gonna ride motorcycles at all in this section?

**Cloaked figure:** Why would you want to do that?

**Data-Sora:** So that we can play card games on them.

**Cloaked figure:** That sounds stupid.

**Data-Sora:** Dude you’re scaring me.

**Cloaked figure:** Just hurry up and finish the movie already, it’s still gonna take some time to get through it. *fades away*

**Data-Sora:** Did he not realize that I forget how to use these things? Also why did I just get the impression that I was talking to myself there, that was a really weird feeling. *walks up to the door and just holds the card up in front of him* …Wow, can’t believe that worked. *is apparently just teleported into the room, which is still white except for various images of the Islands scattered on some of the walls* Whoa, is this what Castle Oblivion really looked like when I was in all those other worlds in CoM? ‘Cause that’s…that’s kind of awesomely trippy.

**Cloaked figure:** *appears in front of him again* This card’ll show you holograms of people you know from your past. It’s all taken out of Jiminy’s journal.

**Data-Sora:** I don’t know who this Jiminy is, but he sounds like an overbearing douchenozzle.

**Cloaked figure:** Everything comes from the information you’ve collected throughout this game.

**Data-Sora:** I did what now? I’m not saying you’re nuts, I’m saying it was not memorable.

**Cloaked figure:** …Did you already have amnesia before entering Amnesia Castle or something?

**Data-Sora:** Probably.

**Cloaked figure:** Oh. Well it should still work anyway, for absolutely no reason.

**Data-Sora:** Sounds like most of this game.

**Cloaked figure:** If not all of it, I know, right?

**Data-Sora:** Okay, stop saying what I’m thinking.

**Cloaked figure:** That’s a little challenging for me.

**Data-Sora:** So…What am I doing here again?

**Cloaked figure:** That’s a very good question. And the answer is, I don’t care. Just go through areas and talk to people. Follow the journal if you want, or don’t, it’s up to you. Everything’s permitted.

**Data-Sora:** Like being a massive douchebag?

**Cloaked figure:** Hell yeah. Be happy and cheerful with everyone you meet as usual, or go on a killing spree and murder everyone. They’re just holograms anyway, it’s not like they have feelings.

**Data-Sora:** I don’t know why, but that hurt me deeply.

**Cloaked figure:** Good. *fades*

**Data-Sora:** …I don’t like that guy much.

**Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie:** How ‘bout us?

**Data-Sora:** PFFT, NO! *chats with them anyway, mainly trading insults*

**Wakka:** KILL THE AL BHED — wait, why am I fading away?

**Tidus:** Oh not again. *fades as well*

**Selphie:** This isn’t fun. *also fades*

**Data-Sora:** Hey, I’m trying to diss your moms here! Rude. Wait, did I just go to another room again, or am I in the same one after a sudden burst of light?

**Different cloaked figure:** Well that was fun, wasn’t it. Also HEY GUY, WAZZUP.

**Data-Sora:** Damn it, Riku, just take your hood off already.

**Data-Riku:** I don’t particularly feel like it right now for some reason. Besides, I got you a present!

**Data-Sora:** Will it make things make sense?

**Data-Riku:** Not really. It technically doesn’t even exist, but I still want you to see it…and also to _feel_ it.

**Data-Sora:** …I need an adult?

**Data-Riku:** Tough.

**Data-Sora:** Well, since you’re Riku…Okay, I trust you.

**Data-Riku:** You are…unbearably naïve.

**Data-Sora:** Well, I _was_ born yesterday.

**Data-Riku:** Whatever, I don't even care that we already used that line.

**Data-Sora:** You expect me to remember what happened last week!? I don't know how I got here!

**Data-Riku:** Exactly. Now, close your eyes…

**Data-Sora:** Something about this seems _really_ uncomfortable… *complies anyway*

**Fo-Realz-Riku:** Why am I on the clock tower in Neverland. *holds his hand out to the moon* I CRUSH YOU WITH MY GIANT FIST, TINY MOON! *stares at his fist* I am such a fucking child…

**Fo-Realz-Kairi’s comatose body:** Meh, what’s the point in growing up if you can’t act childishly sometimes.

**Data-Sora:** What was with the static? And why were Riku and Kairi there anyway? And also why do I suddenly remember the events of the first game? Or at least the part where I was gonna find you guys after the planet exploded.

**Data-Riku:** Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up what happened to me and Kairi for most of that first game, i.e. me turning evil and her in a coma. And had the game played out, you would’ve saved both of us. Why do you think that is?

**Data-Sora:** ‘Cause you are my friends?

**Data-Riku:** Actually, there’s another reason. What did the two of us, me and Kairi, have in common?

**Data-Sora:** Me? Our home planet? Did you two like each other?

**Data-Riku:** No, we were both in pain because we’d both lost a part of ourselves in a way. Evidently I consider that to be the biggest form of pain there is. And what do you think you would’ve done?

**Data-Sora:** …Do you forget my saving-people-thing or something? I saved _Pete_ earlier, I can save anyone, regardless of whether they were friend or foe! And considering you two are my bestest friendly-friends, there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to help you aside from turning evil!

**Data-Riku:** …Sora, don’t ever change.

**Data-Sora:** I won’t! But…Why the video just now?

**Data-Riku:** I just wanted to make sure you were still you. And frankly, throughout the rest of this castle, your amnesia will only get worse. You’ll be in pain because of it, and people make bad choices when they’re mad or scared or stressed. But I don’t think you will, you bastion of optimism and happiness, you. And who knows? Maybe your happiness will rub off on others, and they won’t be wrapped up in so much angst anymore. You don’t even have to do anything too grandiose other than be your annoying self!

**Data-Sora:** Well that’ll be easy, then!

**Data-Riku:** Good night, and good luck. *fades*

**Data-Sora:** EVERYONE THINKS THEY CAN DITCH ME TODAY. *walks out of the room*

**Cloaked figure from before:** So, how’d it go? How were the holograms?

**Data-Sora:** Something was a little off, actually, they’re usually more annoying than this.

**Cloaked figure:** What were their names, anyway, I never did get around to finding that out.

**Data-Sora:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know. And I’m not even gonna complain this time, I don’t care what the game/movie actually has me do, I knew my amnesia was gonna get worse.

**Cloaked figure:** Like I quoted Marluxia before, in this place you’ll meet people and immediately forget them the moment you leave the room, making it even more of a huge waste of time.

**Data-Sora:** You think we’ll have time for a reference to the Silence?

**Cloaked figure:** I’d say so if I could remember who you’re talking about.

**Data-Sora:** I don’t remember either, let’s just move on.

**Cloaked figure:** Indeed, and who cares anyway. If you couldn’t remember anything, it must have not been all that important to begin with.

**Data-Sora:** …That’s not how amnesia works, dude. And besides, I know I got the warm fuzzies from whoever I met at the tail end of that room. At least I won’t be able to forget that feeling.

**Cloaked figure:** Right, sure, whatever. Here’s a bunch more world cards. *hands them to Sora* They were all created from the journal, so I don’t think you’ll find many other planets outside the ones in this game. That’ll shorten the potential length a little, at least. So many hallucinations for you to talk to, so little time that’ll translate to feeling like a lot more time the longer this goes on. But from now on, you probably won’t recognize anyone. You can make friends with the upcoming people only to lose them again, or you can fight them and forget it ever happened.

**Data-Sora:** Why would I want to do that?

**Cloaked figure:** Like I said, it’s not as if they’re people. It’s all an illusion, but they won’t know that. They’ll think they’re real or some such nonsense. While you and I can see white walls, they’ll see the various planets you can’t remember. Personally I think our view is a little more…AAAVAANT _GAAAAAAAAARDE!_

**Data-Sora:** I understood that reference!

**Cloaked figure:** Hey, good for you! But yeah, don’t bother telling them they’re not real. Hell, don’t even bother befriending them. What would be the point? They’re only there until you’re forced to interact with them, and they’ll be gone as soon as you leave. So this gives you the opportunity to be as amoral as you want, since you won’t remember it anyway. Wouldn’t that be an interesting change of pace for a character such as yourself. Especially since you don’t even have a real heart.

**Data-Sora:** You know nothing, Jon Snow.

**Cloaked figure:** …Wait, what?

**Data-Sora:** Why would I want to hurt anyone? That would only make me feel bad about myself. People who actively want to hurt others physically, mentally, or emotionally genuinely baffle me. I’ll only treat people like _them_ badly, but if someone’s an actual nice guy then why wouldn’t I want to be nice in return? You’re asking me to try being a troll for the sake of being a troll, but _I. Do. Not. Get. Why. Trolls. Are. Trolls._ Their very concept is mystifying to me. *actual dialogue* You might not know it now, but I hope you’ll see, that nothing is guilt-free in this world. *that’s a good fucking line* …Why do they put commas in, just because, we paused while talking? It’s not, like we’re actually, William Shatner, or anything, this is just, bad grammer.

**Cloaked figure:** QUESTION NUMBER FIRST.

**Data-Sora:** …Wait, are you not gonna ask me anything, what the fuck.

**Cloaked figure:** It’s like I’m not telling you because I wanna watch you fail. And now I’m gonna take a nap. *fades away*

**Data-Sora:** … Ohhhh. I see how it is. Mr. I’m So Sleepy Yawning Man. Think you’re so good. Whatever. AND NOW TO RAISE UP THE CARDS I JUST GOT AND ESSENTIALLY REPEAT EVERYTHING HE JUST SAID BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO’RE WATCHING THIS ARE SO FUCKING STUPID THAT I DOUBT THEY CAN EVEN TELL WHAT COLOR MY SHOES ARE EVEN IF THEY’RE NOT COLORBLIND. *evidently uses Traverse Town card offscreen* Hey, I actually recognize this place!

**Cid:** SIT YOUR ASS DOWN IN THAT CHAIR AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMN _TEA._

**Data-Sora:** …Sorry, what?

**Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** *burst into predictable song reference*  
 _Life is like a hurricane_  
 _Here in Duckburg_  
 _Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes_  
 _It’s a duck blur!_  
 _Might solve a mystery_  
 _Or rewrite history~_

**Data-Sora:** Here’s the deal. A lot of people like me will say that children are stupid and have no value, because they’re stupid and have no value. So remember, kids. You are not the future.

**Huey, Dewie, and Louie:** *ignore him and continue to sing*  
 _D-D-D-Danger lurkes behind you_  
 _There’s a stranger out to find you_  
 _What to do? Just grab on to some_  
 _Duck Tales! WOO-HOO!_  
*eventually disappear along with Cid*

**Data-Sora:** I really need to catch up with the new series at some point. *walking back out into the hallway* I somehow feel like I should’ve talked to different people in that world…Welp, at least I forgot whatever it was that just happened! Still kinda makes me sad, though…This must be the emotion those humans know as blood. Wait…If I really forgot about everyone I just met…Then I wouldn’t even remember that I met people in the first place, much less miss them! There’s a chance that I’d remember them again if I saw them possibly maybe! Now to find a decent trigger that’ll jumpstart everything… *runs to the door that frankly looks like the entrance from the actual game instead of any of the progression doors, and finds himself in a room that has images of Wonderland plastered onto it*

**Cheshire Cat:** WELL ISN’T THIS A FANCY TEA PARTY.

**Queen of Hearts:** I don’t think it is, I say we devour the flesh of the innocent. Oh look, an innocent!

**Alice:** Well this sucks.

**Cards:** We’re tired of existing, let’s bounce. *vanish along with all the other characters*

**Data-Sora:** *walks out to meet up with the Cloaked Figure that I don’t know why I’m still referring to him as such since you all clearly know who he is* So how was your nap?

**Cloaked figure:** Pretty nice. So how’d it go?

**Data-Sora:** To be honest, this is getting kind of boring, can we get on with the actual point already?

**Cloaked figure:** Not quite yet. First I want to know how those people you just hung out with are doing. I’m sorry, what were their names again? Appearances? Opinions on _The Last Jedi_? Anything you can possibly remember at all?

**Data-Sora:** Fuck off, you know my amnesia’s getting worse.

**Cloaked figure:** Good to know you really don’t care about them, if you’re acting so blasé about forgetting them.

**Data-Sora:** That’s just it, though. It’s an act. I still feel the pain of losing them, of loneliness, of the knowledge that I’ll forget them and that I have forgotten them. That means they’ve left an impact. That means that they’re still there somewhere. And once I stop feeling so lonely and in pain — once I’ve teamed up with them again, in other words — that’s when I’ll know that the memories have returned to me.

**Cloaked figure:** Good. That’s exactly what I wanted you to say. *fades away again*

**Data-Sora:** Sure it is. Assbutt. *heads to Olympus*

**Hades:** So is this an audience or a mosaic.

**Data-Sora:** Your hair’s on fire.

**Hades:** Oh, it does that.

**Data-Sora:** I’m sure it does.

**Hades:** I wish I could fire all these corpses.

**Data-Sora:** Why do I have to keep going through this.

**Phil:** Two words: Cloud looks fucking awesome in this series.

**Data-Sora:** Until KHII, sure. Also seven words.

**Phil:** Fuck you.

**Cloud:** So this one time me and my friends took on a giant monster that was bigger than a city that even the world’s largest cannon couldn’t completely destroy, and we ended up fighting it with our bare hands. And there was that other time we defeated another one roughly the same size but with far more health than anything else in that world. By thwacking it with a megaphone. Underwater.

**Data-Sora:** …Your world’s fucked up.

**Hercules:** The bright side to all this is that at least I’m not voiced by Sean Astin anymore.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah, that was oddly terrible. *leaves after the four of them fade*

**Cloaked figure:** Isn’t forgetting something the worst?

**Data-Sora:** I know. It’s like they’re right there, on the tip of my tongue!

**Cloaked figure:** Oh no.

**Data-Sora:** Oh! It’s not a memory at all!

**Cloaked figure:** I thought we were done with this!

**Data-Sora:** It’s a silly old…

**Cloaked figure:** Why do you smell like human urine?

**Data-Sora:** Stick insect!

**Cloaked figure:** Instead of the animal urine I so crave?

**Data-Sora:** W-What? *laughs*

**Cloaked figure:** I don’t know. Nor do I know why you think that carrying the pain of so much loss around like this is a _good_ thing, or why you would want to keep going. I really don’t think you’ll be able to recover your memories like this, dude.

**Data-Sora:** Yeah I will.

**Cloaked figure:** *bursts into laughter*

**Data-Sora:** …Dude, are you all right? You're worrying me with your behavior.

**Cloaked figure:** You’re such a gullible, naïve idiot! The moment you open your mouth, you're already wrong! I told you that finding was losing and losing is finding! Well guess what, jackass! You’ve lost all your memories and the only thing you’ve found in return is pain and suffering! And since you actually believe that would help you regain those memories, you’ll never stop feeling like this! That false hope will only bring on even more angst, and eventually darkness will eventually overtake it!

**Data-Sora:** …Was this all just done to either turn me evil or create yet _another_ Heartless/Nobody combination thing?

**Cloaked figure:** Yep. All according to keikaku. Frankly, I’m surprised it was this easy. Your apparent lack of a heart was so easy to break, Sora.

**Data-Sora:** That’s not true! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

**Cloaked figure:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true! *fades before Data-Sora can retaliate*

**Data-Sora:** …Douchecanoe. Welp, might as well keep moving forward. *goes on to a room with images from Agraba pasted all over* What was once kind of a cool motif is now getting kind of boring.

**Genie:** Say…You’re a lot smaller than the last time I saw you. Either that or I’m getting bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you?

**Data-Sora:** Well you kind of sound different…

**Aladdin:** Did you know that there’s a way to get people thinking about sex…without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it…subliminally. Watch and learn. *turns to Jasmine* Hey, babe. Such a beautiful night. Take off your clothes!

**Jasmine:** *suddenly looks anxious* Oh no, Sora! Do you think Jafar was right about Aladdin?

**Data-Sora:** *nods vigorously*

**Jasmine:** *looks relieved* ME NEITHER!

**Data-Sora:** *facepalms and leaves* Man, does it feel good to be out of there. I’m not sure why, I just know there was _something_ idiotic going on…

**Cloaked figure:** You can still leave, you know. You don’t have to keep pushing yourself like this.

**Data-Sora:** No I really can’t, the plot demands that I keep moving forward. So your statement means nothing.

**Cloaked figure:** _Your_ statement means nothing.

**Data-Sora:** The statement I didn’t say?

**Cloaked figure:** Here, have a shadowed look at my face. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL WHO I AM.

**Data-Sora:** Keep telling yourself that, sport.

**Cloaked figure:** But seriously, if you just let yourself forget about everyone, you won’t have to be in so much pain anymore. And that way, you won’t succumb to the darkness or whatever. It’s up to you, but come on, be reasonable already. You have a chance to be happy, don’t throw it all away over people who don’t exist and me forcing you into continuously worsening amnesia. It’s entirely up to you. *stretches out his hand and fades away*

**Data-Sora:** I caught a better glimpse of his face as he was disappearing. WHY DOES HE LOOK SO FUCKING FAMILIAR. IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME POSSIBLE EXPLANATION OR CLUE AS TO HIS IDENTITY. Also I’m getting sick of him constantly pissing off like that. *pulls out the Hollow Bastion card* …I am also getting kind of sick of meeting people and forgetting them instantly after. Maybe I’m not even meeting people, maybe I just did a really fun thing and am upset that I can’t remember that. Though maybe that wouldn’t cause me _as much_ angst…Iunno. I definitely don’t want to be taken over by darkness again. The only thing is, I don’t think I can get out of this castle any other way. Or I could let it go…hmm, let it go…become one with the wind and sky…let it go, let it go…they’ll never see me cry…I don’t know, I’m so fucking confused.

**Mickey:** I am finally conveniently back to help you! *descends as a sparkling ball of yellow light*

**Data-Sora:** Took you long e-fucking-nough! Where the fuck have you been?!

**Mickey:** Sorry, I’m still trying to actually get in physical contact with you. It’s taking everything I’ve got to just send you my voice.

**Data-Sora:** Well since you’re here, maybe you can answer me a question. So I’m, like, forgetting _everything_ that’s been happening so far in this castle, and this guy I keep meeting is telling me that if I dwell on it, I’ll be consumed by darkness.

**Mickey:** Of course you shouldn’t dwell on it. Sure, you can feel those feelings, as it isn’t healthy to hold them in instead. Experience it, accept it, and _move on_ from it. Obviously you’ll still feel those feeling sometimes if something triggers said feelings, but apart from that? It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, if you wanna live a healthy life. Is what I should be saying but instead I’m gonna make you feel more bad feels by showing you images of Donald and Goofy.

**Data-Sora:** Who?

**Mickey:** Some friends you forgot about due to your amnesia. But they haven’t forgotten you and they still consider you a friend even if you can’t remember them. They’re annoyingly clingy like that.

**Donald:** We sure are! I’d never forget you despite that one time I almost completely forgot about you!

**Goofy:** And I’m just paraphrasing what His Majesty just told ya! A-hyuk!

**Data-Sora:** Who _are_ you people?!

**Mickey:** *bursts into song* _Listen to your heeaart, Sora, listen to you heeeaaart..._

**Data-Sora:** …I’m getting increasingly annoyed and sometimes outright angry, and then only idly and sort of heartwarmingly annoyed. Less “Fuck these assholes” and more “Oh you fucking assholes you.”

**Mickey:** There ya go! Memories come and go, but feelings are forever. You still retained those feelings even when your data was reset.

**Data-Sora:** Wait, someone reset…my data? Then I’m not real, I’m just some sort of computer program created on a whim to serve some primary function and then to be disposed of as soon as I outweighed my usefulness?

**Mickey:** Oh fuck, I forgot about that…

**Data-Sora:** MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE HAS NO MEANING OTHER THAN ARBITRARY SLAVERY THAT WILL NEVER BE COMMENTED UPON!

**Mickey:** Y-Yes it does, and it's nothing to do with that, just hear me out—

**Goofy:** Actually, this whole game really doesn’t have much of a meaning—

**Mickey:** NOT HELPING! But yeah, those adventures you had in the Digital World? They will always have happened even if people choose to pretend that they didn’t. For you, Donald, and Goofy, all the people you’ve encountered along the way, and all the people forced to watch this.

**Data-Sora:** …I’m so confused that even _I’m_ starting to spout nonsense. Wait, where’d the duck and dog thing go?

**Mickey:** I used up too much energy and can’t make holograms anymore. I’ll physically get there eventually, just wait for me, m’kay? *ball of light disintegrates*

**Data-Sora:** Fucking finally, I thought he’d never leave. Hmm, wonder if solitude counts as pain. Meh, only if you’re actually feeling lonely, probably. *clenches fist* Might as well keep moving forward while I wait for Mickey to show up. There’s only one more card, anyway. Sure hope the next boss I inevitably end up fighting doesn’t drop one or more right after, ‘cause that would just be intolerable and annoying with the appearance of there being no end in sight. *presumably uses card and walks up the stairs into another white room with images of Hollow Bastion all over it* …Okay, this world looks _amazing,_ I wanna go to the real thing someday.

**Pete and Maleficent:** Wonder if we’re the real things or not. Oh, we’re fading. Evidently not then.

**Data-Sora:** Well that didn’t take long. *leaves*

~Still longer than I think anyone would’ve liked.~


	10. What Have You Done! Everything Is Stupid Now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WOO YES DONE FUCK can you tell i had the least fun with this one:** Super Best Friends Play, _JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Mean Girls,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Monty Python's Life of Brian, Naruto, The Simpsons,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Archer, Silent Hill 2, Avatar: The Legend of Korra,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _V for Vendetta,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I BET YOU’RE ALL STILL COMPLETELY CLUELESS AS TO WHO THE CLOAKED GUY COULD BE.~

**Data-Sora:** *walks out to where the cloaked figure is waiting for him as usual*

**Cloaked figure:** So you’re finally here, huh? ‘Bout time, I was starting to get worried. Aaaand here’s a close-up of my face, straight up. Everyone can plainly see who I am, it’s weird that I’m even bothering with the hood at this point.

**Data-Sora:** I MISS MY FRIENDLY FRIENDS THAT I CAN’T REMEMBER weh.

**Cloaked figure:** And you’re in pain because of it, amirite? Like I fucking told you would happen? I also fucking told you to just let it go if you didn’t want to descend into darkness and fall down a path of self-destruction. *smirks* You know what? I’m glad you’re sad. I’m glad your soul hurts.

**Data-Sora:** Meh, I don’t mind. The pain means that I’m still alive, and that I once had something great before it was stripped from me. And frankly, that’s good enough for me. I know that might not be enough for some people, but I’m the optimistic happy-go-lucky protagonist of a quasi-Disney product, I basically have no choice.

**Cloaked figure:** Well that just clenches my teeth.

**Data-Sora:** Also I still have faith that I’ll remember eventually apparently.

**Cloaked figure:** LOOK AT MY OBVIOUS FACE, SORA. CAN’T YOU SEE MY EMOTIONS.

**Data-Sora:** That’s great. Also I’m convinced that I’ll stop being friends with all the people I don’t remember if I just get rid of this pain or something. *walks down the stairs* I will now paraphrase all of the things I’ve been saying for the past few minutes, because repetition is fun and easy. *walks past the cloaked figure*

**Cloaked figure:** THIS ISN’T A GAME, YOU FOOL.

**Data-Sora:** …It kind of is, though, it’s called Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded, how have you not heard of it—Why did the floor just change, why are we now on a circular stone platform with Nobody insignias on it and four pillars attached to it in the middle of a dark space, and what’s with the flower petals, you’re not Marluxia.

**Cloaked figure’s very obvious theme music:** *starts playing as he takes out the Oblivion Keyblade*

**Cloaked figure:** You were expecting Roxas, BUT IT WAS ME! _DIO!_

**Data-Sora:** HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

**Data-Roxas:** I know, I’m just fucking with you. *is holding Oathkeeper in his other hand* Also I will now show you the real meaning of pain. *spins around to attack him*

**Data-Sora:** *jumps high out of the way and gets into a defensive stance*

**Data-Roxas:** Your face annoys me. *slashes down at him*

**Data-Sora:** *blocks Oblivion with Kingdom* Pretty sure we have the same face…Where’d the arena get to?

**Data-Roxas:** Iunno, I guess by blocking me that one time you’ve managed to finish me off. Except you haven’t properly finished me off yet, so…killing blow?

**Data-Sora:** …I kinda don’t wanna.

**Data-Roxas:** …Why the fuck not? Unless you’ve somehow realized who I am despite not having gone through KHII or anything. Oh, wait, I’m talking about how I’m just a collection of ones and zeroes like everything else in this place. That means I’m not even worth the effort it’d take to kill, am I? Guess there’s no point in destroying something if it never existed…Which would indeed make it harder, I grant you…

**Data-Sora:** Dude, I’m pretty sure you exist. I mean, I know you didn’t actually hit me, but I still felt the weight behind those Keyblades I was blocking. And I’ve been feeling your pain this whole time; your angsting wasn’t exactly subtle, you know.

**Data-Roxas:** …Am I gonna, like, take off my hood at all this game? Everyone knows, there’s no point in hiding anymore, no matter how cool I look.

**Data-Sora:** Sure, we’ll go with that description. *walks forward* Also I was somehow able to sense the exact pain you were feeling while we were fighting, it was weird. And also painful. And yet somehow familiar as well, almost like we were the same person or something.

**Data-Roxas:** Imagine that.

**Data-Sora:** And now because I’ve experienced that, I feel like I might be able to help others who have gone through similar situations or the like. It's like I know what empathy is or something.

**Data-Roxas:** *makes his Keyblades disappear* …I give up with you, you’re way too optimistic for my liking.

**Data-Sora:** I keep hearing that.

**Data-Roxas:** I imagine you do. *hands him one more card*

**Data-Sora:** FUCKING DAMN IT.

**Data-Roxas:** Hey, if you didn’t learn how to understand the emotion that humans know as blood, then I wouldn’t have had to give you another card. But hey, considering I was basically the final boss just now, all you have to do is go through that door and the game will be over. Seriously, no more fighting, just several cutscenes of explanations and summarizations of events and then bam, credits.

**Data-Sora:** I AM A FAN OF THIS. *looks at Castle Oblivion card* …Shouldn’t it be Twilight Town?

**Data-Roxas:** You’d think, but apparently not. Also sorry for the psychological torture, I had to see if you were strong enough to handle all this bullshit. Aaaaaand that’s kind of my only reason for being here, so…I’m kinda gonna go fuck off now.

**Data-Sora:** How shall you fuck off, O Lord?

**Data-Roxas:** I’m not entirely sure. I do know a place I’d like to go back to, though. *smiles wistfully*

**Data-Sora:** Which place is that, if you don’t mind my asking even though I’ve got a pretty fair idea.

**Data-Roxas:** *walks forward until he goes right through Data-Sora, implying that he was absorbed by him*

**Data-Sora:** …That felt fucking weird. Also I _knew_ he'd end up reminisce about the clock tower…that I am somehow actually remembering myself okay what just happened. _Nice_ sunset, though, that’s fucking gorgeous. And what’s this about a summer vacation?

**Data-Roxas:** It was a week-long tutorial, but I still found myself enjoying it.

**Data-Sora:** Huh. Welp, time to finish the movie, then. *walks up to the door and holds up the card*

**Mickey:** Sora! Don’t finish the movie just yet!

**Data-Sora:** Mickey! You’re actually physically here when you could’ve just been here this whole time!

**Mickey:** *runs up next to him* Most likely! I didn’t mean for you to do all the work, unlike the last few times when I totally made you do all the work.

**Data-Sora:** I’m starting to remember an intense feeling of annoyed frustration I constantly had around you.

**Mickey:** Oh pay that no mind.

**Data-Sora:** OKAY, CHECK OUT THIS THING I BASICALLY RECEIVED FROM MYSELF.

**Mickey:** Oh, I remember this shit.

**Data-Sora:** It’ll apparently help us finish the game.

**Mickey:** MORE REPETITION OF THE MESSAGE THAT WE’VE HEARD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIMES ALREADY. And maybe, after two and a half hours plus of watching boring bullshit, we can solve the mystery and get back to halfway decent gameplay again.

**Data-Sora:** Here’s hoping. *holds up the card and the door opens* Man it’s foggy in here, and what’s with the giant egg thing?

**Data-Naminé:** HAY GAIS!

**Data-Sora:** …Well that was abrupt. Also I feel like I should know you but don’t, like everything else in this place.

**Data-Naminé:** Hey, Sora, I’m Naminé. You don’t know me, but BOY do I know you.

**Data-Sora:** So how stalkerish are you?

**Data-Naminé:** Surprisingly not very.

**Data-Sora:** M’kay, I’ll take your word for it. Mind expositing?

**Mickey:** Actually, I think I can exposit just fine. One time, you lost all your memories.

**Data-Sora:** You mean like right the fuck now?

**Mickey:** Yeah, but that game actually had a point in the end, and you got to play as Riku for a bit, and some people actually genuinely enjoyed the card system, that part was a little polarizing, but on the whole it wasn’t a _bad_ entry to the series. Also Naminé set you right in the end.

**Data-Sora:** That's a great summation of the lore, Mickey. Naminé, I owe you so much thanks for helping me overcome my amnesia that one time that I can’t remember. Now if I could subtly ask you to do it again…

**Data-Naminé:** …The thing is, sure, I totally put you back in order, fine. However, even though it was basically done at weapon-point, I modified your memory in the first place.

**Data-Sora:** You know what? If you were being threatened with weapons, something you seem to lack, then I’m not mad, okay?

**Data-Naminé:** Aww, thanks. You weren’t mad last time either for that same reason, really. Buuuuuut because of that, the bugs started appearing in Jiminy’s journal.

**Mickey:** Well we’re mostly blaming Jiminy for writing it in the first place — I’m gonna hafta have a long talk with Minnie later as well considering he did it on her orders — but if you could explain the particulars?

**Data-Naminé:** *forms a Rasengan* While I was repairing Sora’s memories, I found some memories that I never expected to find.

**Data-Sora:** My memory’s shiny and pretty.

**Data-Naminé:** Actually, they’re not your memories.

**Data-Sora:** …Then whose are they and how did they get mixed in with mine?

**Data-Naminé:** I thought I fucked up when I found these memories mixed in with yours. But I did some research, don’t ask where, and I knew that they belonged in your mind palace, at least for the time being. The real Sora will have to awaken those memories in KHIII hopefully finally, but for now, they’ll remain dormant in his mind palace until the opportune moment. They’re really important for the plot of KHIII, but at the same time they’re not exactly the safest things in the universe.

**Mickey:** How so?

**Data-Naminé:** You have no idea how much angst is contained in these memories. BBS and Days were pretty fucking sad, you guys. If handled incorrectly, Sora might not be able to, well, handle it. No one wants Sora to turn emo, so that’s why I set up this dumb repetitive test, to see if he _could_ handle all the angst without turning emo. And I wrote the message so y’all would notice and do something.

**Mickey:** Wait, _you_ were the one who wrote the message?

**Data-Naminé:** Yes, that is literally what I just told you, yes. When I fucked with Sora, Donald, Goofy, and presumably Jiminy’s memories, that magically erased the writing in Jiminy’s journal, because that’s how amnesia works. That journal was unreasonably long and even had information we never saw utilized in this game, such as the Dalmatian list and the Trinity locations, and indeed half the planets you visited. Despite Jiminy being the one who wrote in it, it affected Sora more than anyone else because everything’s always about this dumbass. And even when I took apart Sora’s memories, they remained in his heart, not his brain, why would you ever think memories would be stored there. Also they remained stored in the journal somehow, but hidden, waiting to be explored in an uneven fashion that only very loosely followed the events of the first game barely. Which is why you were able to create a digital world out of them.

**Mickey:** Why’re we talking over flashbacks to the beginning of the game?

**Data-Naminé:** Because we’re finally explaining what happened at the beginning of the game. More than two hours of pointlessness ago. Whoever said “The journey’s the thing” never had to sit through this fucking shit.

**Mickey:** Yeah, if it weren’t for the stupid glitch bullshit, we could’ve just skipped right to the Chain of Memories knockoff and been done with it.

**Data-Naminé:** Oh I fucked this up.

**Mickey:** You did. I don’t know what you did, though.

**Data-Naminé:** Oh I fucked this up so bad, girl.

**Mickey:** How so?

**Data-Naminé:** I fucked up when I accidentally added the angst to the journal. I thought that if you would be able to physically fight manifestations of the angst, you’d be able to emotionally handle the real angst when the time came.

**Mickey:** …That could’ve been accomplished by him just continuing to fight Heartless and Nobodies and Disney villains, you know.

**Data-Naminé:** Like I said, I fucked up.

**Mickey:** Fair enough. I’m sorry that absolutely no one appreciates the effort you went to, Naminé. Wait, no I’m not.

**Data-Naminé:** Well I _could’ve_ told you this in person, but the real non-existent me got absorbed by Kairi, so…

**Data-Sora:** I’m not following any of this.

**Mickey:** You don’t even know how she did it even though she explained how she did it?

**Data-Sora:** Exactly.

**Mickey:** This is _not hard._

**Data-Sora:** No one told me anything—

**Mickey:** No one tells you anything! To my knowledge, I'm the only person who talks to you! You're like the Ralph Wiggam of real life. Turn around for two seconds, catch you eating glue and crayons.

**Data-Sora:** ...You know, this is getting a little too personal...

**Data-Naminé:** Just know that you can handle angst and still come out cheerful, optimistic, annoying, and stupid instead of becoming an emo buttface that no one likes and everyone’s tired of.

**Data-Sora:** Oh. Good for me, then.

**Data-Naminé:** Some wounds heal instantly, while others stay with you forever, depending on the degree of the pain and the person going through it. *actual dialogue* There’s only one way to deal with that: you face it head-on and then you accept it. *decent advice if not for…* And possibly receive some kind of therapy or take medication to help you accept it depending on the degree of the specific mental health issue at hand. Which you lack except for a possible slight learning disability that makes you slower on the uptake than Goofy sometimes. Point is, I don’t see you falling into depression or being overrun by anxiety or anything similar any time soon, since you can apparently bounce back from anything and everything that comes your way. Oh, also you can turn to friends, family, or a professional to help you get through whatever it is you need to get through. **Which is incredibly important information that everyone should follow if they know they truly need help.** _**There is absolutely no shame in asking for help if you need it.**_

**Data-Sora:** And you’re saying that I can help the people whose angst I’m carrying?

**Data-Naminé:** Yes, that is exactly what I’ve just finished describing to you.

**Data-Sora:** LET’S DO THIS.

**Mickey:** I’ll help! I’m pretty sure I know some of the people in those memories!

**Data-Naminé:** Put your hand on my ball.

**Data-Sora:** Phrasing!

**Data-Naminé:** Just do it. You’ll absorb all the new memories immediately.

**Mickey:** I’m scared, hold my hand.

**Data-Sora:** Pussy. *grabs it anyway and they both touch the Rasengan* OH GOD IT BURNS.

**Mickey:** I know, massive heartburn, but you have to be strong!

**Data-Sora:** I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY RETINAS, THIS SHIT’S TOO BRIGHT!

**Mickey:** Oh. Good point.

**Data-Sora:** …I know this music…

**Mickey:** I think I know it better than you do…Why are we just floating in light now?

**Data-Sora:** No idea…Who’re they?

**Axel:** What, you don’t have us memorized?

**Roxas:** I JUST FUCKING FOUGHT YOU, YOU SHIT.

**Data-Naminé:** These are the people you barely remember, and yet totally remember. Sora’s been keeping, like, at most two entire personalities besides his own buried inside him at one point or another.

**Xion:** Three, now.

**Data-Naminé:** Yes, that’s a good point, I keep forgetting for some reason. And even though I’ve been absorbed by Kairi, I’ve also met some of the people you’ve absorbed, so that’s why I’m here because memories.

**Data-Sora:** Like that other girl who looks exactly like you except the shorter black hair and the Organization coat? BOY does she feel familiar…and _boy_ was the end of Days depressing…

**Data-Naminé:** Mm-hmm. All these guys are either dead or using you as basically a Horcrux. Also me, who is using Kairi. Well, Axel’s gonna be fine, frankly, but not emotionally unless Roxas is around again. Oh, and DiZ hid something inside you when you were in a medically-induced coma for a year.

**Data-Sora:** Who? And also what?

**Data-Naminé:** He was Saruman at the time, but none of that’s important right now. He just said that he was apologizing for being a prejudiced douchecanoe. Sora’s needed to save all of these people, and also these three.

**Ventus:** I’ve been using you as a Horcrux since you were like four!

**Terra:** You’ve basically defeated me twice! Three times if you count the secret boss in KHII!

**Aqua:** I kind of created Castle Oblivion!

**Ventus:** Where my body’s been in a medically-induced coma for like eleven years or more now!

**Mickey:** Oh WOW, I missed these guys! And you’re saying we can save Terra from being possessed by Master Xehanort, finally get Aqua out of the Realm of Darkness, and possibly wake Ven up?

**Data-Naminé:** YUP! You’ll need all the Keyblade wielders you can get, trust me. And now they’re all gone.

**Data-Sora and Mickey:** Aww, we were enjoying that hallucination.

**Data-Naminé:** I’m sure you were. But yeah, they’re still connected through Sora, who’s the only one who can save them. As has been established.

**Data-Sora:** Even though I can’t remember them, I know I’ve met at least some of them. Hell, except for Xion, I think I’ve personally met all of them at some point in one way or another.

**Data-Naminé:** You are correct. Hell, I only figured out you were a Horcrux for Ventus very recently.

**Mickey:** So…Should we get a move on with reviving/saving these people?

**Data-Naminé:** Lea should actually kind of be awake by now, but the rest will have to wait until at least two more spin-off games are out of the way, I’m afraid. Well, three if you count the mobile game I guess.

**Mickey:** Right. I’ll head out and tell the real Sora everything you just told us.

**Data-Naminé:** Yes, please do the thing.

**Data-Sora:** I AM SO GLAD THIS FUCKING GAME IS OVER.

**Data-Naminé:** Nearly, I don’t know why we just faded to black there, that was a bit of false hope.

**Data-Sora:** Seems to be the overall theme of this game. Oh, hey, we managed to keep that promise after all, didn’t we? Even though it wasn’t technically me who made that promise, it was still basically me except not, right?

**Data-Naminé:** I guess we did. And helping him set up KHIII is the least I could do for putting him through so much trouble four games ago.

**Data-Sora:** …So what happens after we leave?

**Data-Naminé:** As usual, I technically shouldn’t exist/kind of _don’t_ exist. I was programmed to pass along the exposition I just laid out for you. It’s time for me to basically be shut down forever. But I’ll live on through Mickey’s memories of me that he’ll pass along to Sora. That’s enough for me. Both versions, I should think.

**Data-Sora:** Talking about myself in the third-person is weird. But yeah, we’ll do the thing. Oh, right! The other message from the journal!

**Data-Naminé:** The one that Riku wrote?

**Data-Sora:** No, the one useful thing that Jiminy’s ever done! Reminding me to thank you!

**Data-Naminé:** …You kind of did that when you got here, though.

**Data-Sora:** You’re telling me once was enough?

**Data-Naminé:** STOP BEING SO SWEET, I’M STARTING TO GET DIABETES. *fades away into little yellow bolts of light that turn into her fading into swirling pixels of data* Sora…You made me happy.

**Mickey:** *is narrating as the camera pans out of the journal* Why am I narrating again? But yeah, that was basically the official end of the game apart from the loose ends that we’re about to tie up. Sora, two to three games from now when you actually start helping the people you’re meant to help, remember that whatever kind of angst you’ll be feeling is exactly the same as what your clone felt, only you’ll have more context so you’ll actually be sadder for it.

**Data-Sora:** …Did I just disappear into data as well or what, what just happened.

**Mickey:** No idea, I’m too busy writing that letter that Sora, Riku, and Kairi were reading at the end of KHIII, aka the only reason people would want to play this game in the first place. Ahem. “I wanted to tell you right away, but first I had to slog through nearly three hours of bullshit. But yeah, you have memories from the past that aren’t technically yours, and they’re lying dormant within you, waiting for the right trigger.”

**Kairi:** Hey douchenozzles, check this shit out! *runs up to Sora and Riku carrying the bottle Mickey just sent* Wait, why are our graphics back to normal, I thought this shit was supposed to be pretty.

**Mickey’s voice:** “This is gonna tie in to future sequels, so listen up.”

**Riku:** Everyone’s littering these days…

**Sora:** Which next game are we talking about, there's like three. *takes the bottle and takes out the letter*

**Kairi:** I don’t even know anymore.

**Riku:** I don’t think anyone does, frankly.

**Player/Viewer:** Wow, haven’t seen these designs in like two whole games, I missed them.

**Mickey’s voice:** “Sora, Riku, Kairi. I’m sorry that we couldn’t use the animation from the end of KHII but I don’t think they’d transfer to the DS that well at this point in time, especially considering this game was a mobile game first. No idea why they couldn’t have made it shinier for the HD Remix, but I guess it was hardly worth the effort. So yeah, Keyblades have gone through so many people at this point that you might not feel like the three main characters of the franchise anymore, but let me assure you that you totally are, and in fact each of you have the potential to wield a Keyblade. But we’re not gonna even think about training Kairi until the end of next game.”

**Kairi:** Dick.

**Mickey’s voice:** “You’ve all gone through so many adventures and have grown stronger as individuals and as a team, but maybe you’ve been ruining people’s lives for personal gain. Maybe just a little. Now, however, you have an opportunity to help them and restore their happy endings. Sora, as usual, you’re the only one who can do it. All six previous games, plus the next two and the mobile one, are all preparing you for Kingdom Hearts III. There are no coincidences, only the illusion of coincidence.”

**Letter:** PLAY CODED, BITCHES!

**Sora, Riku, and Kairi:** …Do we have to? I mean we just watched it, so who even cares?

**Letter:** Aw come on, you've watched Days multiple times!

**Sora, Riku, and Kairi:** Days was vaguely enjoyable.

**Mickey’s voice:** “Sora, do the thing!”

**Sora:** Let’s look up at the sky for no reason.

**Kairi:** M’kay.

**Riku:** I can barely see it.

**Sora:** You should really think about getting a haircut.

**Riku:** You know I kind of have been? I wonder how short it should be, though…

**Kairi:** I’d say just trim your bangs.

**Sora:** That might work.

**Riku:** Maybe…

**Title screen:** YAY THE GAME’S OVER.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Not quite. There are still some loose ends to tie up.

**Title screen:** DAMMIT.

**Mickey:** Let me stare at the floor for a while before actually speaking. It’s been eleven years and I’ve got a pretty shrewd idea as to where Ven’s heart is.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Great, that only leaves Terra, then.

**Mickey:** …Aqua.

**Noiti Sopxe:** We know where she is, though.

**Mickey:** Ah. Well as long as we save all three of them in the end.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Sure, fine, whatever, now we have to figure out Xehanort’s next plan.

**Mickey:** I thought we didn’t have to worry about him anymore! I mean, we already got rid of both his Heartless and his Nobody. Well, Sora and Riku did, but you know what I mean.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yes, they’re both gone now. And I assume you forgot what happens when someone’s Heartless and possibly Nobody are both done away with?

**Mickey:** The heart and body both reform and bring the person back—Oh. Oh dear.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Bright side, it means we’ll get to hear Leonard Nimoy one last time.

**Mickey:** That _is_ nice to hear. Sad, but nice. Less nice that his character’s gonna wreak some serious havoc again, though.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yes, it’ll probably be catastrophic.

**Mickey:** Whatevs, me, Sora, and Riku’ll handle it.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yes, they saved the world countless times while you barely did anything, and yet they aren’t worth as much as you because they don’t have a degree in Keyblading like you do.

**Mickey:** …Well that sounds like complete bullshit—

**Noiti Sopxe:** SILENCE! Also we’ll probably be dealing with even more clone shenanigans, so the three of you might not be enough in any case.

**Mickey:** Oh shit! Explain yourself this instant! Don’t wait for the villain to do it at the end of the next game, I want to know what he has planned right now!

**Noiti Sopxe:** No.

**Mickey:** Well you suck.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yes. Now go and summon Sora hither, and don’t question my sudden speech patterns that I’ve never shown before. Oh and Riku too, I guess. *stands up* I’ve got a sequel idea for the 3DS that’ll be perfect for both of them to star in.

**Mickey:** But the fanbase is already pissed off that they have to buy so many different systems in order to keep up with the franchise, even though by this point almost everything’s on the PS3, if you add another to it that’s not—

**Noiti Sopxe:** Riku’s going to be a very heavily involved character in this one. Trust me, they’ll want it.

**Mickey:** Yeah, they’ll _want_ it, but not everyone’s privileged enough to afford every single new system that comes out. I mean, Ubisoft was doing something vaguely similar with the Assassin’s Creed series, but at least the main games were all on the same console before most fans got burnt out except for certain titles, no one minded shelling out cash for individual games _that_ much. What Squeenix is trying to ask of _its_ fanbase, however—

**Noiti Sopxe:** We’re doing it on the 3DS because it’s going to be _called_ KH3D, the kids love that kind of crap.

**Mickey:** Actually, the gimmick’s getting kind of old and many people didn’t like it in the first place, either because it gave ‘em headaches or because the 3D glasses didn’t fit over their own glasses, don’t those idiots realize how many people have poor eyesight?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Then they should just get contacts.

**Mickey:** Not everyone can wear contacts, either, you’re not taking into account—

**Noiti Sopxe:** WOULD YOU STOP CONTRADICTING ME. Also the 2DS is a thing now.

**Mickey:** That’s still an entirely new system—

**Noiti Sopxe:** Just get a refurbished one!

**Mickey:** _That’s still an entirely new system—_

**Noiti Sopxe:** Actually fuck all of that, literally every game but UX has been rereleased on the PS4 anyway, just get all of those versions.

**Mickey:** _THAT'S STILL AN ENTIRELY NEW SYSTEM—_

~But never mind them now, let’s go see how way more interesting people are doing.~

**Various members of Organization XIII:** *are unconscious on the floor. And are also real people again*

**Braig:** Well that was fun, wasn’t it. Can’t believe it took us this long to get back to how we were, considering it’s been some time since Kingdom Hearts was destroyed along with our fake selves. And let’s see, no sign of Xemnas’s guy, so that must mean he left to set things in motion…

**Young Xehanort:** Yep.

**Braig:** Man, that Xehanort creeps me the fuck out, you know? It’s like he’s a frickin’ mind reader. And it doesn’t really help that no one except maybe Saïx knows what his ultimate goal is. Do _you_ even know, younger version of the boss man?

**Young Xehanort:** Maybe?

**Braig:** No you don’t.

**Young Xehanort:** No I don’t. But who cares, I have a Keyblade. And more and more Keyblades are being handed out to people, granting us all unbelievable power. But most die relatively young, you’ll notice. My older self managed to live the longest, and my Keyblade evolved into what is now his Keyblade. It is the oldest and most powerful there is at the moment. Obviously, I will eventually grow to become him, just not at the present time, for me anyway.

**Braig:** Yeah, time travel plots are always kind of confusing. So…Is UX _ever_ going to give us details about the Keyblade War like it promised? Or end? Ever? Wait, I seem to have stopped caring. So which of these fallen idiots will be your next clone, then? Saïx?

**Young Xehanort:** Saïx.

**Title screen:** Kingdom Hearts: Reconnect actually sounds like a cool title.

**PS3:** YOU GOT A TROPHY FOR SITTING FOR A FEW HOURS.

**iheartmwpp** ...What? Yeah I know I have a PS4 now, I'm not rebuying games I already own on another system, we've been through this.

**Credits:** LOOK AT THE PRETTY MASH-UP OF STILL IMAGES OF THE THING YOU JUST SAT THROUGH. ALSO THAT COOL OVERLAP THING FROM DAYS IS BACK, EXCEPT LESS COOL BECAUSE IT’S NOT FROM DAYS.

**Utada Hikaru:** *is singing Simple and Clean again* You sick of this yet or is it still tolerable?

~OKAY WE’RE OFFICIALLY DONE NOW LET’S GO PLAY A GOOD GAME.~


End file.
